El Donaldo's Blogo

Chinese Water Torture, Waterboarding, and Fabric Stores

2012-01-26T12:38:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I am inspired to write about certain things. It doesn't happen too often now, since I am more concerned with work and hanging out with my girls after I get home from work. But today I saw a post on Facebook that reminded me of one of the darkest memories of my childhood:

The fabric store.

If you were the child of a seamstress, you know EXACTLY what I am talking about. If you weren't, and think I am at all exaggerating about what I write in this post, then you obviously had a very easy going childhood, and a trip out with your Mom was filled with wonderful treats from the grocery store, new clothes from the mall, and maybe even a Happy Meal from McDonald's.

Before I start though, I must write a disclaimer. While I had to suffer through going to the pit despair (a.k.a. Hancock's Fabrics.) it did in the end net me some great handmade clothes. I had pairs of shorts that other kids could only dream of having, and while the shirts I had weren't "store bought", they were still pretty cool. BUT...with that said, I remember a lot more torture trips out with my Mother than I do of kids asking about where I got my clothes.

It would usually start out with one simple question from my Mom, asking if I would like to go out shopping with her. If she didn't ask, I would usually ask if I could go. Keep in mind that before a lot of these trips the words "fabric", "patterns", and "buttons" were never really specifically mentioned, as they would have automatically been reason to stay at home and clean toilets.

The trip out with my Mom always had the potential to be fun. Being the oldest of 5 kids, it was a great time to have some alone time with her. A lot of the times we would get some lunch, and if I was lucky she would spring for a drink to go along with my burger. It was a great time to get out of the house and explore my world.

That is, unless the words "fabric store" would escape my Mother's lips at some point.

It would always start out innocent enough. We would be inside of Sears getting some shrink to fit Levi's for my younger brothers when my Mom would comment, "You know, I just remembered. Hancock's has buttons on sale today. After we are done here I need to make a quick stop in and pick some up for the dress I am making for Courtney." I knew right then and there that my Saturday afternoon was about to get dark, and fast.

"Mom, how about you take me home first? You will be in Hancock's for at least an hour if not two." I would plead. "Anyways, you bought buttons last week. Why do you need more?" This would be followed with an answer that I believe was pre programmed into my Mom's head. One of those things you wish were going to change, but you knew deep down it never would. "Donald, it won't take that long! And you KNEW I was going to the fabric store before we left the house. You should have stayed home if you didn't really want to come."

She was right about one thing. Yes, I knew deep down that just about every trip out would some way or another end up at a fabric store. I was smart enough to know that even if she didn't exactly say it, it was going to be inevitable. But when she wouldn't mention it when I would ask what she was going out to do, I would secretly wish that this one time it wouldn't be the case.

And that would be that. I was locked into a trip to Hancock's. There would be no diverting her away from her mecca.

When we would pull into the shopping center that housed the fabric store, my Mom would start glowing. The call of patterns, fabric, and good scissors (Ones that hadn't been used to cut paper like hers had been used for by us kids.) was too much for her to handle. She would turn off the van, look in my direction, and say in a light awestruck voice, "OK, I will be about 10 minutes. Sit out here and listen to the radio okay?" I had no other choice than to say yes.

The first 45 minutes of my wait wasn't all that bad. I would get out of the van and sit in the drivers seat. At 12 years old, sitting in the drivers seat of a minivan WITH the keys in the ignition was a very powerful position to be in. My favorite thing to do would be to turn the van on and off. I would usually wait until someone was getting in or out of their own car to turn it on, so I could look like I was about to drive off into the distance. All 4'8" and 72 lbs. of me. Looking back I don't think I was fooling anyone.

This was also my time to pick what station I was going to listen to. My favorite station in the Tri-Cites back then was 102.7 Hawk FM. OK95 played a little more hard rock, and that wasn't really my thing yet so I would usually steer clear of it. Then there was 98.3 the Key. Back in the day the Key was a slightly more hardcore version of KONA 105.3. They would only play Kenny G or Michael Bolton once or twice an hour. In other words, my options for radio listening were quite limited.

It was around that time when I would go into the fabric store to see what part of the process my Mom was at. Now for those of you who aren't familiar with the fabric store procedure it goes something like this:

1 - Walk into store, pick out some pattern books, and sit down to peruse them.

2 - After going through the pattern books you picked out, go back to the display and pick out two more books to look over.

3 - Having decided what patterns you intend to buy, find what cabinet they are filed in. At this time it is acceptable to talk to the other ladies grabbing their patterns, and discuss what you intend to make, and for what child it will be for.

4 - Decide what type of fabric you plan on buying. If more than one pattern had been selected, it is a good idea to have a shopping cart. Those bolts of fabric are heavy.

5 - With fabric and patterns in the cart, head over to the cutting table. Chances are you will have to take a number, as there are a lot of other women who also have fabric that needs to be measured and cut. This is also an ideal time to have conversations concerning all things sewing related.

6 - With cut fabric in hand, you head to the checkout counter. But before you get there, you get sidetracked by the buttons, elastics, and other miscellaneous sewing supplies that will (At some point.) be needed.

7 - With every square inch of the fabric store explored, pay for everything at checkout.

After 45 minutes, my Mom would be between steps 1 and 2. I would walk in to the store, and locate her at the pattern cabinets. "Mom, are you about done? I am getting bored outside. I just heard "Love Shack" for the second time since you have been in here." This would naturally be followed by her saying, "Sheesh, I just got here. Don't worry, I am almost done. I just need another 10-20 minutes. If you are bored in the car, you can hang out in here with me."

Needing a break from the van, I do two quick laps through the fabric store. Mainly I do this to prove to the women inside that it is indeed possible to see the whole store in less than 5 minutes. Apparently no one is paying attention to the 12 year old kid who is trying to prove a point. So back out to the car I go.

Another 45 minutes pass. The radio stations are all at commercial, so I move onto my next favorite thing to do in the car. I search for new radio stations. After browsing every inch of the FM dial I confirm what I already know...that there are no new stations in the Tri-Cities. Since it is now 90 minutes since my Mom entered the store, I need to go check on her.

She is at step 5. Thank goodness she is at step 5!!! I check the ticket in her hand against the number now being served. She is only two away! All of a sudden my spirits have been lifted. I could be out of here in the next 20 minutes if I a lucky.

I am not lucky.

I try another tactic. This time I stay in the store with my Mom. I wait for her turn to get her fabric cut. As soon as her number is announced and she heads over I start it up: The world famous 12 year old boy whine.

"Mommm...pleeeease hurry!!! You have been in here for hoooours!!! (Insert high pitched, cracking El Donaldo voice here.) Can we please go HOME???"

This lasts about 30-45 seconds before she has heard enough. It is her turn to turn the heat up on me.

"DONALD! You wanted to come with me, so now you have to put up with me being here! If you are going to cry, go BACK OUT TO THE CAR!!"

With head hung low, I start the walk out to the minivan. The thought of more radio listening is no longer appealing. But driving the van is.

I get into the drivers seat, adjust the mirrors, and get ready to do some driving. Yes...DRIVING! I start the van up, and look behind me and back up. I then pull it into the parking spot next to the one that we had occupied for the last 2 hours. That will show her! I might be 12, but I can move the car!! But after 5 minutes I start to panic. If my Mom knew I moved the minivan, I might never get to go out on the town with her again. So I turn the car back on and move to back it out.

And then it happens.

I accidentally go forward instead of back, and bump into the shopping cart holder in front of me. I immediately put the van into park, and go assess the damage. My worst fear has been confirmed. I have cracked the front turn signal of the van, and there are pieces of plastic laying on the cement. Obviously this is all my Mom's fault. If she wasn't in the fabric store for so long I wouldn't have had to move the van to begin with!!

Knowing that even though I am right and she will be wrong, it will never fly that this is all her fault. So instead I pick up the broken pieces, put them in a baggy I find in the car, and decide to save them for a later time when I can drop them on the ground and claim someone hit our car.

It has been just about 2 1/2 hours since my dear ol' Mom headed into the fabric store. I am thirsty, hungry, and am convinced that I am about to die inside of the van. I look to my right and see The Burger King I would one day work at. How can I be so close to food, yet so far away? Just when I have given up all hope of seeing my friends again, the sliding door on the van opens up. It is my Mom with her fabric and patterns. She seems to have forgotten the buttons, but I will not point this out. If I did, I surely would die right there in the parking lot.

With the situation finally behind me, I breathe easy. The horror is over for now. My Mom turns to me and says without a hint of sarcasm in her voice, "Now, that didn't take very long at all this time did it?"

I don't know how, but time stands still once you cross into a fabric store. And now that I am in my 30's, I still find myself cringing any time my Mom or Lisa mentions having to pick something up at one.

Choffy is Brewed Chocolate! Buy Yours Today!: You want to buy Choffy but don't know how? Then c...

2011-10-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

Choffy is Brewed Chocolate! Buy Yours Today!: You want to buy Choffy but don't know how? Then c...: Buy Choffy Brewed Chocolate

Looking to buy some Choffy? Then check out this video

2011-09-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

Many of you know by now that Choffy was featured on the Dr. Oz show as a product that can "Burn Fat Faster". Since that episode aired last Monday, Choffy has been swamped with orders. Not orders in the in hundreds, but by the thousands! Now it is your turn to discover what the rest of America is starting to discover; a healthy way to enjoy chocolate...guilt free...with no sugar, fat, chemicals, or dairy. It is brewed bliss in a cup.

I made this video a couple days ago to walk new customers through the buying process. So why am I posting it here? Simple. To get the word out. Even though I haven't written a blog post in over a year, I still get random people visiting this blog. Maybe...just maybe, I can pick up a couple new customers.

Easy breezy huh? Also, if anyone is interested in becoming a Choffy distributor, feel free to ask me about it. For a small yearly fee you can not only save a bunch of money on buying Choffy for yourself, you can also make a few bucks on the side. Email me for more info!

Have a great week everyone!

Choffy was on Dr. Oz!

2011-09-20T15:44:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't know, I sell and amazing product called Choffy. What is Choffy you ask? Choffy is 100 percent organic Cacao beans that have been roasted and ground like coffee, but it is chocolate! Not only is it chocolate, but it naturally has no sugar, no fat, no dairy, and has more antioxidants than two servings of blueberries! It really is an amazing drink. And just to show how amazing it is, Dr. Oz had it on his show yesterday! Here is a clip from the September 19th, 20011 Dr. Oz show:

Burn Fat Faster

How cool was that? Now I know you would LOVE to try some for yourself wouldn't you? All you have to do is visit www.drinkchoffy.com/divine, and within minutes you can order yourself a bag of Ivory Coast or La Espanola Choffy, and be one of us cool kids who are enjoying chocolate guilt free!

Updates From Lee...Whether I Want Them Or Not

2010-06-08T16:12:00.001-07:00

As many of you know, my work email account is my contact with the outside world. Several times during the day I will check my email, and if the content in my inbox is deemed worthy, (By me of course.) it is forwarded out across the nation so that my email contacts can enjoy a good laugh. In the last week however, the email forwarding tables have been turned on me. Because of this, I now receive something called “Lee’s Updates.”

Keep in mind that the only Lee I personally knew died about 6 years ago. So this new Lee is a complete mystery to me. The forwards started last week with “Lee” emailing me talking about how he would know how to fix the oil leak in the gulf, but no one had asked him to help. I don’t quite know what background Lee has that would qualify him to fix the biggest oil spill of all time, but according to him he is the man. I bet Lee is sitting in his house right now, cape and mask at the ready, waiting for the BP executives call so he can leap into action and plug the hole that is causing so much heartache right now.

Today Lee informs me that he is currently running over 9000 projects, and because of that he is a very diverse person. 9000?? Really Lee? It was after this email I decided to take some action. I noticed that there was a section at the bottom of the email that said I could opt out of Lee’s updates at any time. Since I don’t really care that much about Lee and his updates, I clicked on the unsubscribe. Of course all that did was take me to a server page where I had to enter a name and password to cancel the emails. After trying every password and name in the book, and being denied every time, I gave up trying to rid my inbox of Lee. The situation called for a more drastic measure.

You see, about the same time I started receiving Lee’s updates, our cyber security department added a suspicious email button to our email program. Any spam email you receive is supposed to go to this new place. After thinking about it, I was going to send Lee their way. I mean, I did not sign up for Lee’s updates. They had been forced upon me by this character, and having no way to rid myself of his emails, I was left with no choice but to use my brand new spam eliminator.

I sent Lee’s email on its way, feeling satisfied that I had rid myself of his updates. No longer would Lee be able to force himself on me ever again. But my joy was short lived. I found out this afternoon the Lee is actually Lee McIntire, CEO of CH2MHill. That’s right, I reported the CEO of the company I work for to the email police. Hopefully ol’ Lee has a sense of humor about these kind of things, and everything will turn out OK.

Rednecks...They Aren't Just In The South Anymore

2010-05-25T10:55:00.000-07:00

So yesterday at work I was showing one of my co-workers how to send YouTube clips via email. You see, I am kind of the unofficial computer support technician for my fellow co-workers. In fact, it has been said (Not only by the women at work, but by my lovely wife too.) that I cannot die any time soon, because if I did too many people would be inconvenienced by my passing. Of course all they would have to do is go on over and visit my Uncle Mike and he would be able to answer any computer related questions, but I prefer staying alive to help personally.

OK, so there I was, showing her how to copy and paste the YouTube links into her email when I saw it: A video called "Completion of the new redneck roller coaster". I must admit I was intrigued. Rednecks and roller coasters sound like they could go good together. Upon finishing my tutorial on the art of emailing links, my curiosity got the best of me and I checked out the link.

It was about what I was expecting. Redneck had put a platform on top of his car, and through good ol' fashioned redneck ingenuity, rigged up a steering wheel, gas pedal, and shifter so they were able to drive the car....outside of the car. After one redneck took his turn, he passed it off to his friend so he could take his turn to drive. Redneck #2, who was sporting the gnarliest mullet I have ever seen (Imagine a man in his mid 40's who is going bald and has no hair on the front part of his head. Now imagine that same man with hair down to his belly button. You get the picture) hops right aboard and takes the "roller coaster" for a spin.

Now up to this point everything sounds pretty run of the mill redneck tomfoolery. That is what I thought too...until I started to pay closer attention to the accent of these rednecks. It wasn't a southern accent. It was....Canadian? I started the video over and turned the volume up. Sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed. These were Canadian rednecks!!!

I was blown away. I did not know that such a creature existed. Instead of every sentence followed by an "ohm" it was followed by "eh". Instead of drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon beer they were downing Labatt's beer. And instead of the Navy Jack flag being flown all over the place, they proudly flew a Union Jack flag. (I don't quite get that one...are they trying to show the frenchies of Canada they prefer the England flag? I might need to research that one.) It was as if some rednecks from the south got lost many years back while riding their lawnmowers to the beer store and ended up north of the border, ran out of gas, and cross bred with some local Canadian folk.

I watched a few more videos, but after a while the fun wore off. If I am going to spend my time watching videos on YouTube of rednecks, I am going to go with the red blooded American type. The type that can turn a rake into a deluxe hot dog cooker. The type that can flash fry a whole turkey in 20 seconds, pull it out, smother it with more butter batter, and fry it again. You might have come a long way Mr. Canadian redneck, but you still pale in comparison to our homegrown model.

If you are as intrigued as I was, check out this hybrid species of redneck here. And as a little enticement to get you to check out the rest of the Canadian redneck videos, here is a little sample:

And The Finalists Are...

2010-05-17T21:35:00.000-07:00

Here we are, almost to the end of yet another season of American Idol. Of course that means it is time for 2 hour episodes of A.I., with only about 10 minutes of that time actually pertaining to the outcome. As everyone knows this was the first year without the habitual drunk Paula Abdul as a judge. While that has cut down on the vanilla flavored criticisms of the contestants, (Which I must admit has been nice, but I do miss the ramblings from the washed up pop star who thinks she still has it.) it has given birth to Cara Dioguardi, who is always referring to Randy Jackson and Ellen Degeneres as “The Guys”. But the big hit will come next year, when A.I. will be without the man America loves to hate, Simon Cowell.

Even with the absence of Paula and the edition of Ellen, American Idol hasn’t been as painful to watch as I first envisioned. Ellen has been downright hilarious at times, and she has brought more to the show than I thought she would. But no matter how many times Ellen cracks jokes about the contestants, or Randy finding new ways to say, “It sounded pitchy dog”, American Idol will be in the toilet without Simon Cowell.

With the quest to find Simon’s replacement for next year still ongoing, I feel the time is right to name my top finalists to take over his position, and the odds of them taking the job.

FINALIST #1 Donald Trump (20-1)

Ahh, the Donald. First off, lets take the chair he would be sitting in. It would be a leather high back chair, and knowing the Donald he would not be happy sitting on the very end of the table. The first day of auditions he would tell Cara to switch him spots and if she refused, he would buy her house, tear it down, and build a few more Trump Towers. Once his rightful spot behind the table was established, the judging would start. I have a feeling it would go something like this:

The Donald: (To the person auditioning) "May we please have your name, age, and gross income for 2007-2010 please?"

Contestant: "Uh, I am not sure, let me think...."

Randy: "Hey Dawg, why you askin' about her cash flow? This is a singing contest, not the Apprentice dude!"

The Donald: "Randy, I am disappointed in you for cutting off the contestant while she was trying to answer. For that move...Randy, you're fired."

Randy: "What? You can't fire me dawg, I am Randy Jackson. I wrote some of the biggest hits of the 80's!"

The Donald: "Of course I can Randy, don't know know who I am? Next contestant please."

Ellen: "Now Mr. Trump, that is just darn silly. Randy is part of our team of judges."

The Donald: "I know, but he was the weakest link. He is not the type of person I want for a project manager."

Contestant: (Who probably is horrible, but has been told her whole life she is the next Beyonce or Celine Dion.) "Uh, so am I like, not getting to sing? Or maybe I need to sing a different song?"

The Donald: "Why are you still here contestant? Leave me boardroom, you were fired too. And take Randy with you. Next contestant please."

Randy: "Dang dawg, I can't believe I just got fired."

OK, maybe Donald Trump wouldn't quite work out for American Idol. That brings us to the next finalist.

FINALIST #2 Jim Rome (40-1)

Jim Rome, one of the most influential voices in sports today would bring one thing to the table that Simon is taking with him. Attitude. For those of you who listen to, or have listened to Jim Rome in the past know that he is a master at coming up with nicknames. So much so, his radio show has its own language called "smack." And smack is just what ol' Jim would lay down on the contestants. It would go something like this:

(Contestant has finished singing. Randy, having been rehired after the whole Trump incident, liked what he heard. Ellen follows up with how the contestant sounded OK, and Cara exclaimed that the contestant didn't make the song his own.)

Ryan Seacrest: "OK, now we are to Jim. What did you think of the contestant Jim?"

Jim Rome: "That. Was. Horrible! (Long pause while he shuffles some papers.) What did you do before you sang tonight man? Did you get beat up by those two tennis playing William's brothers backstage? Not even one of those fancy wrist things that bowlers wear could have made that performance any better. Heck, Neems song, "Jordan's Dad" sounded better than that! You are an embarrassment to all the REAL singers out there....

(Insults, sound clips, and 10 minutes later he is still ranting.)

...Sorry, but you have no game. And you have wasted 5 minutes of my life I would like back."

Ryan Seacreast: "Uh, thanks Jim. Now for the next contestant."

Of course the next day Jim Rome would have the contestant on his radio show, and after interviewing him would decide that maybe he was wrong about him, and from that point on pimp him out to everyone who will listen. He will also have no memory of ever disliking the contestant.

Maybe these first two finalists aren't quite Idol material. Which is good for the last finalist, because in my view he would be the best out of the three.

FINALIST #3 Don King (9-5)

If you thought Paula heaped on the praise heavy, you have no idea what Don King could do:

Randy: "I wasn't feeling it dawg. Sorry, but its a no from me dude."

Ellen: "Well, at least you have your health, right? I like your style, but there is no substance to your singing. Kind of like my ex-girlfriend."

Cara: "You know what, I think I am going to have to agree with the guys. I just don't think you are right for this competition."

Ellen whispering to Randy: "Did she just call me a guy again? I know I switched teams a while back, but to call me a guy? Who does she think I am, that Bono girl? Uh, I mean..guy?"

Don King: "THAT WAS THE GREATEST! I MEAN THE GREATEST! YOU ARE THE SINGER WHO WILL WIN IT ALL! NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, YOU ARE THE CHAMP! STOP THE PRESSES, WE HAVE THE NEW SUPERSTAR! ALL THE GREATS ARE NOW SECOND PLACE TO YOU! DON KING FOUND THE BEST YET AGAIN! GOD BLESS AMERICA! ONLY IN AMERICA COULD DON KING FIND THE BEST SINGER OF ALL TIME!"

Yesiree, Don King would be great on American Idol. And I bet he would do it if asked. I don't think he has any major fighters right now he is promoting, so why not jump on Idol?

Well, that is my top 3. Of course the problem American Idol is going to run into next year is that it is going to be a shell of its former self. The two most controversial judges will be gone, leaving not much else to get excited about. I am sorry to say that much like The Office, American Idol is past its prime. And also like The Office, it has no idea it has turned from being a national sensation to something that is DVR'd but never watched.

So enjoy the rest of American Idol this year. Root for your favorite contestant, and just be thankful that Taylor Hicks isn't eligible to come back again.

About Ready to Start Again, But Until Then, a Word From Our Sponsors...

2010-05-14T01:02:00.000-07:00

OK, It is Friday night, and I just finished packing up my clothes for my looong flight back to the good ol' Tri-Cities. I wowed the fine citizens of Anchorage with my mad karaoke skills, and have met several nice people, but alas it is time to head back home. After being in Anchorage for the past week, I have felt the urge to start writing for this little ol' blog again. No really, I mean it.

Now I know what El Donaldo fans worldwide are saying right now. (Don't forget, I was voted the #1 blog in Liechtenstein for the third quarter of 2007!) You have all heard this line from me before. In fact it was about 3 months ago. But this time I mean it. Even though I hate doing it via email, I have some great things I want to write about. And if I have to do it in between handling Plutonium, then so be it.

So look forward to this Monday for the return of El Donaldo. But until then, go back into my blog vault and chew on some of the morsels I have left behind. I will even make it easy on you. Below you will find some of my favorite posts. Read them. Re-read them. Share them on facebook. Start an internet phenomenon by forwarding them to your friends.

First off, if you have never read my Workin' For the MAN! series I wrote a couple years back, check them out here:

Workin' for the MAN! Part One

Workin' for the MAN! Part Two (The Fast Food Years!)

Workin' for the MAN! Part Three (The Mall Rat Years!)

Workin' for the MAN! Part Three Continued... (Best Eddie Bauer Story Ever.)

Workin' for the MAN! Part Three B (Still a Mall Rat)

Workin' for the MAN! Part Four (The Bindery Boy Years)

After WftM, check out these favorites:

Ugh...Not Earth Day Again

Stories from Wal-Mart

The Triumphant Return of Alpha-Bits

Lies, Mistruths, and the Mindless Internet Users Who Forward Them.

Travel John

My Lesbian Dogs

Please, read my old work. And if you like it, I have many more good posts in store. Until then, have a good weekend.

A.D. is for Annoying Drivers

2010-02-11T14:49:00.001-08:00

I know I have brought this up time and time again on this blog, but I have a commute that many others in the area I live in also have to endure day after day. From my garage to my parking spot it is approximately 38.7 miles. Well, unless I decide to stop by Sonic and get a breakfast burrito…then it is about 39.1 miles, but I digress. In the last ten years I have been making this drive, I have discovered that my fellow drivers fall into one of four categories. So today, El Donaldo brings you the, “What Kind of Driver Am I?” test. There are no right or wrong answers, but if you fall into categories 1 or 2, don’t be surprised if I (category 3) pass you out on my way to work.

Driver type #1

“The Grandma Driver”

I figured I would start with the driver that is the most annoying of all. The Grandma Driver has one main rule: Drive at least 5-10 miles UNDER the speed limit at ALL times. Whether they are on the way to the grocery store to pick up some of those nasty hard candies that no one wants to eat, or rushing a blue in the face Uncle Dirk to the hospital, the rule of driving painfully under the speed limit must always be followed. Out on the highway the grandma driver is known to hold up traffic to the point where people 40 cars behind are of the mindset that traffic has been slowed due to some grisly accident. This of course then causes normally sane people to swerve back and forth in their lane while trying to get a glimpse of the horrors ahead.

The Grandma driver is also known to slow down to a near stop when coming within ½ a mile of a traffic light, because if their words, “You never know when that darn gummed light is going to flip to red on you.” This action then raises the chance of being rear ended by 37 percent. Roundabouts are also a point of contention with this type of driver, as they are known to stop in the middle of a roundabout to let another car go by. Unfortunately, this only causes confusion among the other drivers waiting in line to enter the roundabout. That is unless the next in line is a fellow grandma driver; then they know exactly what the other driver is doing. On rare occasions, both grandma drivers won’t want to cut the other off, and you will have what is known as a “Grandma Roundabout Standoff”, or GRS for short.

For some reason many illegal immigrants to this country also drive in the Grandma fashion. Maybe their reasoning is that they want to blend in, but most times it makes them stick out like a sore thumb. Southern California, and farming communities up and down the west coast are where the illegal alien grandma driver are most times seen.

The Grandma Driver should be avoided at all costs, and if you happen to get stuck behind one, pass them as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

(Also known as the “Slow Mo’ Joe”, the “Illegal Immigrant”, and the “Too Blind To See The Speedometer” driver.)

Driver type #2

“The Molly Driver”

As the name implies, this driver does everything by the book. The Molly Driver will never be caught going a mile over the speed limit. They know the drivers guide book from cover to cover, and can quote from it whenever they see fit. At yellow lights the Molly proceeds with caution, and will slow down and stop at the first sign of a yellow light. The thought of breaking even one traffic law, moving or non-moving, is enough to keep them awake at night. When the Molly is on the road, it doesn’t matter if a semi has lost its brakes and is barreling towards the back of them, they will never speed up to get out of the way. It is a well known fact that in the state of Utah, the Molly Driver is an extinct species. Efforts have been made to introduce Molly back into the Beehive state, but have been squashed by Utah drivers from Logan to St. George.

(The male version is known as the Peter Perfect driver, and can be identified by the nicely pressed cardigan sweater, and pleated Khaki pants with cuffs at the bottom. Most times this male is older, and will soon be part of the Grandma driver ranks.)

Driver type #3

“The Jitterbug Driver”

This category is where the majority of drivers fall. The Jitterbug is a firm believer in the “at least 5 miles over the speed limit at all times” rule. If driving on a 4 lane road the Jitterbug will try to take the lane with the least amount of people. Due to this fact, every once in a while they will choose a lane filled with Molly and Grandma drivers, and end up being stuck in the lane until they can find an opening in the other lane.

Most jitterbugs do not invest money in a radar detector, because as most Jitterbugs will claim, “If the cops can go 5 mph over the speed limit at all times, so can I!” Jitterbugs can be easily annoyed when they are stuck behind a Grandma or Molly on the highway, and will pass at the first available moment. Some have even been known to stick their hand out the window and flash a 5-5 at drivers not driving up to snuff. This usually will be followed by the passed driver flashing the middle finger salute. (Please note: The middle finger salute is not confined to any one type of driver, but is most times identified with the Jitterbug or the Crack Head Driver.)

Jitterbugs are found all over, and cannot be defined by age or gender.

(Also known as the “Experienced Teenage Driver” and the “I Can’t Afford Another Speeding Ticket So I Only Go 5 Over” driver.)

Driver type #4

“The Crack Head Driver”

The Crack Head driver can come in many different shapes and sizes, but the main shape in that of a teenage male. Whether the next stop light is 2 blocks or 2 miles away, the Crack Head driver will slam on the gas, and attempt to melt his tires to the pavement. Red lights are usually stopped at, but most times the front end of the car (which usually has duct tape holding it together due to the fact some Grandma started slowing down at a yellow light instead of punching the gas.) will be across the line. Yellow lights are nothing more than an invitation to see how high their tachometer can go. Turn signals are seen as a nuisance, and are only used if a policeman is in the near vicinity. And cop or no cop, the Crack Head will NEVER allow someone to get in his or her lane. If somehow another driver does happen to merge into the Crack Head lane, they feel as much shame as the Molly driver does when a traffic law is broken. Since drinking alcohol and driving is outlawed, a pile of Mountain Dew or Rockstar energy drink cans can be found in the back seat.

Crack Head drivers treat the freeway like their own personal speedway. Anybody not going at least 10-15 miles over the speed limit are personally trying to piss off the Crack Head, and will be dealt with by flipping the bird out the window. Radar detectors are the Crack Head’s best friend, and they are always on the search for the newest and best detector. Charging across 3 lanes of traffic to make an exit is the rule for this driver, not the exception. Just about every time this type of driver passes somebody on the road, they end up at the same stop light.

Various studies have shown the reason why Utah has failed to reintroduce Molly drivers back into the driving environment is because the Crack Head driver will not allow it to happen. Because of the Molly reintroduction failure, the term Crack Head driver is synonymous with the term Utah Driver.

(Also known as the “Utah Driver”, “California Driver”, “Prison Escapee”, and the “Beginning Teenage Male Driver”.)

Every day during my commute I share the road with each kind of these drivers. They reason why I have to go 40 mph on the bypass instead of the posted 55. Others are why I can get away with doing 75 in the 65 mph zone on HWY 240. And it will be that way for the rest of time. Some things just never change.

Living off the grid...kind of

2010-02-04T06:11:00.000-08:00

Picture if you will: You are out with that special someone on a nice drive through the countryside. You have a wonderful picnic lunch packed, and in the next hour or so you will arrive at your destination, and enjoy what in your mind will be the perfect afternoon. You arrive at the park with the luscious green grass, and the wind is blowing softly through the trees. You are about to take a bite of your sandwich, and RIIIING!!! RIIIING!!! You cell phone goes off. It is your boss, he has forgotten how to get to his email, and he needs you to come back right this minute to show him how to do it. This situation sounds like it would really suck huh? Well, unless you are me. I don't have this problem. You see, El Donaldo doesn't have a cell phone.

I can just imagine the look on your face as you read that last sentence. There are most likely several questions running through your mind right now, and they all have to do with wondering, "How does he LIVE without one?" To answer that question...I live quite well, thank you.

I know this might come as a shock. After all, I do just about everything else electronically. I have this blog, I have both a Myspace and a Facebook page. I have 4 different email accounts. I have my iPod touch that plays not just music, but games as well. I am connected to the internet at home, work, and when I can find a signal, on my iPod touch via WiFi. I am constantly searching for updated news stories by way of all the outlets mentioned above. But for some reason, by not having a cell phone, I am somehow living in the stone age. And believe it or not, I am happy that way.

Not having a cell phone has so many advantages, I don't even know if I can list them all here. My favorite is the look I get to see on people's faces when I tell them if they want to call, they need to call my home phone number. Seriously, some people don't know how to react when you tell them you don't have a cell they can contact you at. The thought of not having instant access to someone 24/7 is enough to make some people hyperventilate.

Once they pull themselves together and process what I just said about being cell-less, the questions start. "How do you get by without one???" "What if your car breaks down, and you don't have a way to call somebody?" Or my personal favorite, "How is somebody supposed to get a hold of you when something important happens?"

What you in the cell phone carrying public don't understand is the FREEDOM that comes from NOT having a cell phone. Lisa and I can go out for a fun time and not have to be bothered by somebody calling wanting to know what we thought of American Idol the night before. We can go out to eat, and enjoy a meal without having to be checking our phone for the next text message to come through asking some random question that has no real purpose.

And if for some reason we step out of the restaurant and realize we locked our keys in the car, all we have to do is go back in and ask if somebody has a phone we can use. Chances are very good that in this situation two things will happen:

1- The place will go dead silent. Everyone there will think they misheard us when we said we needed to borrow a phone. I will look around the room to see if anyone has just gone into cardiac arrest when the news was broken they were sitting with two oafs who were not packing a phone with them

2- As soon as people get over the initial shock of the fact we are null cell, just about everyone's hand will go up, and the bright glow of AT&T, Verizon, Sprint, and Nextel phones will fill the room.

Of course part of me feels sorry for when Alexandra asks me for a cell phone. I figure around age 10 she will start hitting us up for her own phone. It is going to be one of those moments where as a parent I am going to crush my child's dream. Kind of like when I was little and my parents took us to see Grand Coulee Dam, and all Heidi and I wanted were some twinkies. We begged. We pleaded. And in the end...we left sans twinkies. Unfortunately for Alexandra, that cell phone she will want in a few years is never going to materialize. In fact, I know exactly what I will say to my oldest daughter..."Sure Lex, you can have a cell phone...as soon as your old man gets one." I was really hoping that she wouldn't start hating me until she was a teenager. Hopefully buying her a car will make up for it.

Call me crazy for not wanting to pay upwards of 100 bucks a month just so I can talk on the phone in a place other than my house or work. Just be sure to do it while I am at one of those places, or you might have to leave a message.

There's always money in the banana stand...

2010-01-26T06:16:00.000-08:00

There are two types of people in this world. Those who understand the title of this post, and those who have no idea what I am talking about. To those of you read the title and chuckled, congratulations. You already know where I am going with this post. To those of you who have no idea where I am going with this, you are seriously missing out.

I am talking about the short lived Fox TV show, Arrested Development.

There are so many ways I could describe this show, but there is only one word that I need: Brilliant.

I must admit, the first time I watched A.D. I wasn't impressed. It was in the middle of the 2nd season, and to tell the truth, I just didn't get it. It didn't seem to make any sense. So I did the only thing I could think to do. I took the advice that Julie Andrews gave in Sound of Music: I would start at the very beginning. It is a very good place to start.

It was a great idea. I borrowed the 1st season from a co-worker who had been raving about the show for years, and was overcome with joy when I mentioned that I too wanted to see what the show was all about. With DVD's in hand I started to watch what is now one of my all time favorite shows.

I was instantly hooked. Lisa wasn't swayed as easily, but by the 4th or 5th episode she had come around. Within a month we had finished all three seasons. In fact the only bad part of the show is that it only lasted three seasons.

I could go on and on about this show, but instead I invite you to watch one of Lisa and mine's favorite Arrested Development clips.

Arrested Development can be watched on Hulu.com. If you want to enjoy an A+ show, check it out. You won't be disappointed.

Makin' Momma Proud

2010-01-18T06:04:00.000-08:00

In my 32 years on God's green earth, I have learned how to do 1000's of things. Walking, talking, math, basketball, winning at Hanford Uno, perfecting the art of changing a poopy diaper, forging notes from my parents, and the skill of sarcasm are just a few things that make up the list. But there is one thing I had never done in my life until now. On Saturday, I sewed a button onto a pair of my khaki cargo shorts. Yes, you read that right. El Donaldo has gone domestic.

Now I know that to many of you, sewing a button onto something shouldn't be that big of a deal, especially when you have a Mother like mine who has been sewing for the last 35-40 years. But it is a big deal. The whole sewing thing has never been...well...my thing. If I needed something sewn on I would take it to my mom and have her do it. Sure it might take her 6 weeks to get the button back on the shorts, but I wasn't going to attempt something of that magnitude on my own.

Well this weekend I decided to bite the bullet. For those of you who know me, you know that there is no weather too cold for me to wear shorts. In fact, I actually hate to wear pants. They are uncomfortable. I hate it when they bunch up around my shoes and people mistake me for an over aged skate board punk. It can be 23 degrees outside and snowing, but I will still be sporting my shorts.

The problem I am running into is that several pairs of my shorts are starting to wear out. In the last 2 months I have had to throw away 3 pairs due to the crotch or the sides of the pockets tearing out of them. For a lover of shorts, it is a sad day when a pair you have grown to love has become so ratty that I run the risk of being arrested for indecent exposer. It only leaves me with 1-2 pairs of proper winter shorts in my wardrobe. And one of those pairs lost the button last week.

At first I did what I always do; I placed the button on top of the dresser, and use it as a reminder I have to take the shorts to my parents house so Mommy dearest can sew it on. But since I am down to such a small number or shorts, I couldn't afford to wait the mandatory 2 1/2 months for her to take 5 measly minutes and sew it back on. I was desperate. Without this button, I would have to ::gasp:: wear a pair of jeans to work. This was not an acceptable solution.

You know how there are defining moments in your life where you remember exactly what was going on when the moments happens? My first moment is when Kurt Cobain died. My second was when Hostess stopped making Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pudding pies with the green pudding. And the third was this Saturday when I embarked on sewing my first button.

First I headed to the laundry room where Lisa keeps a mini sewing kit. I sat down at the kitchen table with the shorts, the button, and the needle and thread that my two hands were soon going to reattach the button with. After spending the first 5 minutes trying to figure out how to thread the needle I was ready to go. I went in one way. I then went in the other way. Before I knew it, I had enough thread in that button that not even my fat gut was going to be popping it off again. I felt like Tom Hanks in that movie Castaway when he made a fire. I had done it!

Only one little problem. I sewed the button on a little too high and to the right. While this doesn't look very ascetically pleasing, it does the job of holding my shorts up. It isn't pretty, but it is sewn back on. And I did it all on my own. I hope Mommy dearest is proud of her oldest son. It only took him 32 years to learn how to sew on a button.

Not very pretty, but it will get the job done!

Where oh where are all the folicles going?

2010-01-13T20:04:00.000-08:00

It has begun. It started with a lone strand here and there. "No big deal!" I would tell myself. But before long that 1 or 2 strands turned into 5-6 strands. I know that I should be happy that it took over 32 years, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept. I think even my grand plan of plucking it out of my ears so it would still grow on my dome is starting to fail. I might as well admit it. I, Donald R. Sorenson, ESQ. am starting to lose my hair.

As much as I detest my curly hair, the thought of it no longer being on my head is something I have been thinking about for a very long time. When I was 7 I sat on Santa's lap and asked him for a strong and thick head of hair, so I would not end up like my Dad or my Grandfather. When I was 13 I started calling up the Hair Club For Men to inquire just how soon someone could join their club. I was actually quite annoyed when the lady told me to stop prank calling them, and how they are there to help people, not be my personal joke telling line. I even joined a Rogaine mailing list so I could always be on top of the latest advances and developments in the science of hair retention.

I don't know why my hair is that important to me. I wear a hat 95 percent of the time. Normally I only style it on Sundays so I can look suave at church. In fact my one and only goal for my hair was that it stayed around long enough to bag myself a hottie of a wife. Anything after that I was considering a bonus. But now that my forehead seems to be getting bigger on the left side of my head, I am starting to remember all the good times me and my hair had.

Like that time in 8th grade when I decided to cut my mullet off. The year was 1992, and even though mullets had not yet started to lose favor with the general public, I was tired of having hair that when wet was below my shoulders, but when dry became bunched up around my ears like some sort of hair neck warmer due to the curliness of it.

When I told my mom of my hair altering decision she took me into the salon where she had her hair cut. When we walked into Precision Cuts (Back when it was in the Highlands Shopping Center.) she introduced me to a stylist named Katie. It was right then I knew I had made a good decision. You see, Katie was very attractive. And since before whenever I needed a hair cut I would have my mom do it, it was a whole new experience having a hot young hair stylist cutting my hair and running her fingers though my curls. I might have only been 14 at the time, but I was secretly planning ways I could make Katie not only fall in love with me, but get permission from my parents to let me go out with her. I would even do the dishes, and I HATED doing dishes. It seemed like a fair trade off to me.

Katie cut my hair for several years. When I knew I was heading in, I would do some push ups so my 103 pound body would look nice and toned. You know, just in case that was going to be the day she would announce her unrelenting love for me. But alas, that day never came. Instead I would have to hear about her boyfriend and what he was up to. Remember that hair? Good times.

Or my senior year in high school when I would grow my hair out just so I could go pick up a hair relaxer kit and straighten it. Remember how I wasn't able to brush you for 2 days due to the 2nd degree burns on my scalp? And that was using the children formula. My good friend Travis loved to make fun of how my white head couldn't even take the relaxer his 10 year old sister would use. But for those glorious 3 weeks, my hair was straight! Oh the memories.

There were also several times when I changed hair styles. The most memorable one was when I used to comb my hair straight down. It was during this time I found the woman of my dreams. Because of that fact I didn't want to change how I combed it. But then one day my sister in law Jennifer, who is always on top of the latest fashions, explained to me that I looked like I lived in Utah. The only thing missing was a BYU shirt and girls around asking if I was an RM or not. The next day I ditched the down look and went up with the front. And I must admit, it was a good change in style for me. Other than minor changes here and there, my hair is still done in this fashion.

Yes, my hair has had a good run. After all, I was 100 percent convinced that by high school graduation I was going to look like our drunken high school security guard Mr. Ralston. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that at the ripe "old age" of 32 I would still have the locks of a soap star. But I did. It is now time to let go, although don't think I will go down without a fight. I am pretty sure I have that information packet from Bosley that I sent away for when I was 16 somewhere around here. Lucky for me, I believe that Rogaine can be bought over the counter now. I might even have to work a little OT here and there to cover the cost of my new hair treatments.

Parting is such sweet sorrow. While I know it will be a while before it is all gone, I will still shed a tear in the shower every time my hands are covered with my own lettuce. I will be OK. I have assurances from Lisa that she will not mind me looking like Anthony Edwards. And who knows? Maybe there is a whole new bald world out there I didn't even know existed. Today I take the first step. Acceptance.

Now where did I put that can of spray on hair...

8 things that I know to be true, and wish everyone else did also

2010-01-11T06:01:00.000-08:00

Over the 32 years I have been on this earth, there have been many things that I have formed opinions on. And of course some of these things I don't just consider my opinion, but as fact. And since I am hard up for blog material, I decided that I would do all of you a favor and shed some light on things that every person should know. Here goes...

#1 JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FANCY CAMERA DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER.

This is a fact that I have discovered to be true in the past year or so. I think it was when I tired of using MySpace and decided to try out Facebook instead. The more friends I joined up with on FB, the more requests I received for my to become a "fan" of their photography. No matter how many times I would click on the "ignore" button, they would still try to get me to say I like their photography.

You may want to know how I can tell the difference between people who play photographer and are actually photographers. It is really quite easy. First off, a hack photographer always takes their pictures in the same location. At the same time of day. And...use the same poses for EVERYONE they photograph. They may even have a special camera lens that adds sun spots to the picture. Chances are they also just went out and bought a 900 dollar camera, and are looking for a way to recoup their money. I am not going to out any of you who fall into this category, but you know who you are. That is good enough for me.

Oh, and if you want to check out some GOOD photography, check out two of my friends here and here. Oh, and check out her too.

#2 NO ONE GOES TO A SPORTING EVENT TO WATCH A REFEREE OR UMPIRE DO THEIR JOB

Here is a sentence you will never hear at a major sporting event: "Hey Dad, look at that umpire!! Isn't he great?? Look at how many times he waved his hand in the air when he called that pitch a strike!" Or this one: "Did you guys see how awesome that ref called a late technical foul on the away team, and made the home team win? I want to grow up and be a referee!" You see, you won't ever hear them, because nobody cares about the refs. Unless they mess up. Then you chase them out of the stadium.

#3 OLIVES, AVOCADOS, EGG SALAD SANDWICHES, CHOCOLATE MOUSSE, CIGARETTES, AND PEOPLE WHO FART IN ELEVATORS CAUSE CANCER.

Say what you will, but you would be wrong. Each of these things cause cancer. Can I prove it? Probably not. But you just wait and see...one of these days I will be vindicated.

#4 IF THERE IS A WAY TO ABUSE THE WELFARE SYSTEM, SOME DIRT BAG WILL FIGURE IT OUT.

Heck, sometimes they don't even need to figure it out...the state will do it for them. Case in point: The other day I was at the grocery store. There was this little Hispanic lady ahead of me in the register line. While the cashier was scanning her items, I saw her take a can of pineapple off the conveyor belt and hand it to the cashier.

Right after I saw this, I realized that I had forgotten to grab a bag of ice. I ran back to get the ice, and while doing so I had decided I would give the lady a dollar so she could also buy the can of pineapple. When I returned with my ice the lady had finished with her purchase. I was just about to pull a buck out of my wallet to give to her when she grabbed the can and handed it to the cashier, and explained to the cashier she wanted to buy the can separately so she could withdrawal another 40 dollars CASH FROM HER FOOD STAMP DEBIT CARD!

WHAT??

Yes, you read that right. She was using her food card, the card that our tax dollars pay for so she can provide FOOD for her family while times are tough and she was getting CASH BACK with it! I was floored. But not as floored as I was 10 seconds later when the cashier informed this bottom feeder that, "You don't have to only get 40 dollars cash each time. You can take that card to customer service and cash the whole thing out for a small fee." At this point I threw up in my mouth. Gross, but not as gross as the scene I just witnessed.

So if you are following along, the state of Washington allows people who use the food stamp program to treat it as their own personal ATM. Was this lady going to go out and buy drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes with her newly found wealth? Probably not, but what was going to stop her? Obviously the state of Washington wasn't going to stop her. I don't mean to sound heartless (After all, I was going to BUY the stinkin' pineapple for her wasn't I???) but this is one of the reasons why our welfare system doesn't work. One of my favorite quotes come from Benjamin Franklin about poverty. It goes like this: "I am for doing good to the poor, but I differ in opinion of the means. I think the best way of doing good to the poor, is not making them easy in poverty, but leading or driving them out of it." Well said Ben. Well said indeed.

#5 NEVER BUY A CAR MADE BY DAEWOO. OR A PONTIAC AZTEC FOR THAT MATTER.

Daewoo may mean "Great Universe" in Korean, but the only thing great about driving one of these autos is the amount of hospital bills you are going to have to pay when you get in a wreck with one of these things. They make that 1990 Hyundai Excel that your neighbor's teenager drives look like a Rolls Royce. I have seen cardboard boats that will stand up better than a Daewoo would. And if you happen to own a Daewoo? I suggest driving it off a cliff, claiming it was stolen, and get your 250 dollar check from insurance.

And then we have the Pontiac Aztec. Talk about an ugly car. I have seen steaming piles of dog poop that are better looking than one of those bad boys. And then CBS gave one to Richard Hatch when he won the first survivor. I am 100 percent convinced that Richard Hatch forgot to pay his taxes on that cool million he won because he was too busy trying to get that poor excuse of a car out of his driveway and into someone else's. Word on the street is the only deal on the table for it was a straight across trade for a 1996 Daewoo Espero.

Oh by the way...does anyone have an idea who owns Daewoo? I do! None other than GM, the same company that owned Pontiac.

#6 KENNEWICK IS FAR SUPERIOR TO RICHLAND (AND PASCO) IN EVERY WAY.

Seeing as how this is a local fact, you who live outside of the Tri-Cities won't know what I am talking about. But that is OK, because if you ever choose to visit, you will know where to stay when you come.

Seeing as how I have lived in multiple places in both cities, I think I am pretty knowledgeable on why Richland sucks and Kennewick rules. Just to list a few:

Everything in Richland is closed by 8 p.m.
If you are caught in Richland by the cops after 8 p.m., they will pull you over and want to know "what you are doing out of the house so late." They will then proceed to tell you that if anything happens in "their" city that night you will be directly responsible.
There is nowhere good to go out to dinner. Sure, there are places to eat, but since they are closed by 8 it rules dinner out.
The water in Richland tastes horrible. It reminds me of when Marty asks his great great great Grandfather for a glass of water in Back to the Future Part 3, and he gets a cup of brown water. (Oops, I forgot to add it to my list of things that cause cancer.)
All the streets have names, and there are no directions (N, S, E, W) on the street signs. Say what you will about Kennewick and how their streets keep the same name even when they are cut off by another street, but trying to find something in Richland is near impossible if you are new to the area. Take Cottonwood Drive. That road goes in a figure 8, then loops over the top of two other roads, then looks like it has turned into another road due to the fact there are no Cottonwood signs to be seen for about 5 blocks. Don't believe me? Go take a drive on it and see for yourself. And if you ever make it back home, shoot me off a comment and let me know what you think.
Everyone in Richland think they live in a great city, and have no idea that it sucks. (Sounds kind of like Texas doesn't it?)

#7 NO MATTER HOW YOU TRY TO SPIN IT, NASCAR IS BORING TO WATCH. SO IS

BOWLING. AND NO, THEY ARE NOT ATHLETES. OH YEAH, THEY AREN'T SPORTS EITHER.

I have heard it all before. I have people tell me that I just have to go to a NASCAR event in person and I will change my mind. I have heard that the drivers are athletes because it take endurance to sit in a car that long and do what they do. Sorry folks, but the answer to both of those are "no" and "no." Saying that race car drivers are athletes is like saying that bowlers are athletes. I will admit that bowling and driving takes skill, but just because something takes skill doesn't make it a sport. Just because bowlers and NASCAR drivers wear uniforms doesn't mean they are athletes. I believe that Jim Rome put it best when he said that making 500 left turns does not qualify you as an athlete. And just because bowlers wear those fancy wrist things, it does not make it a sport. It is a skill.

#8 RED VINES ARE NOT LICORICE! LICORICE IS A FLAVOR, NOT A COLOR!

Aw forget it...I don't feel like rehashing one of my biggest pet peeves again. Instead please go back and read this post...it will explain everything.

Well, there you have it. I have many more facts such as these, but seeing as how I really want to get a post in, I am going to end the list here. Now that you have the facts, go forth out into the world and educate the ignorant. Good luck. You are going to need it.

What to do when bored at work? The 2009 Friend Survey of course!

2009-12-18T13:54:00.001-08:00

So yesterday I am sitting at my desk at work, thinking about how there is nothing going on, and I should just go home. And then my good friend (and co-worker) Sonja sends me yet another “get to know you” survey. Now normally I just send these types of emails straight to the trash can, but this time I decided to go ahead and fill it out. After all, several other people in my group had filled out the same survey and sent it to me. I felt I should be a team player and fill it out too. It goes without saying that my answers were a hit with my co-workers.

I was going to just leave it at that, but then I received a comment today on the last blog post I did…5 months ago. Yes, I have pretty much left this blog for dead, but the spammers who like my post on Alpha Bits cereal, and the few good blogging friends I have leave me comments from time to time asking why I haven’t posted in a long time. So Lisa, David, Kristen, random spammers who like my Alpha Bits post, and anyone else out there who check their computer every morning with the hope that El Donaldo has started posting again, this post is for you. I present to you the survey I did yesterday. Now I must warn you that some of these answers will make no sense to you, but that is OK. That just means you aren’t sitting around in a cubicle with nothing to do out on the Hanford site. Oh, and you don’t know the people I refer to. Other than that it should be all good.

Hopefully this posts OK. Since I no longer have blogger access out at work, (Which is part of the reason I have fallen out of the blog world. I couldn’t access it due to the Gestapo in our IT department.) I am having to post this via email. But you make do with what you have right?

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:02 p.m., and out the door at 6:20. In that 18 minutes I destroyed the toilet, took a shower, checked FB, grabbed the paper, and fed the dogs. (And after all of that I was still ready in time for a carpool to come pick me up.)

2. Diamonds or pearls I have no idea what you even mean by this…everything else has a question mark and this one doesn’t. So until you correct this error, I cannot answer this question. If it is indeed a question.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? At the cinema? Are you freaking kidding me?? What is this, 1910? If you mean moving motion picture with sound did I last see, then I guess I would have to say Inglorious Basterds. At the cinema.

4. What is your favorite TV show? So many to choose from. I guess a tossup between design on a dime and so you think you can dance. Oh wait…you want my favorite? I guess at the moment I would have to say Pawn Stars.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? 2 lemons. Hey, it keeps me regular.

6. What is your middle name? Reed

7. What food do you dislike? Foods like olives and avocados. And deviled eggs. That kind of crap will give you cancer.

8. What is your favorite CD at moment? CD’s are so 1997. Seeing as how I live in the year 2009, I illegally download my music from a site called “legal sounds.” Sounds legal doesn’t it? My favorite album on my MP3 player is the Third Eye Blind’s self titled album. It is from the year 1997.

9. What kind of car do you drive? 2005 Volvo S40 T5 Swedish engineering at its finest.

10. Favorite sandwich? One that hasn’t been sat on by Pat Lindsay. Or anyone else for that matter.

11. What characteristic do you despise? Un cleanliness. Does it really hurt that bad to take a shower every day? Does it?

12. Favorite item of clothing? Shorts.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Someplace warm. Preferably English speaking .

14 . Favorite brand of clothing? The brand of clothing does not make me. I make the brand of clothing. (I have no frickin’ idea what that even means, but it sounds pretty deep.)

15. Where would you retire to? Maybe So Cal. If all the hippies have been slaughtered.

16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? 32nd birthday. I was at Disneyland and had hundreds of people wish me happy birthday. So what if they were only saying it because it was part of their job for the day. It still felt good.

17. Favorite sport to watch? Basketball.

18. Furthest place you are sending this? From the looks of the distribution list, I believe that would be the electricians room in PFP. I am fairly certain Tiny and Travis Hinds are one in the same. (Question update: This answer is now void seeing as how I have posted it online now.)

19. Who will respond first? Dumb question…next.

20.. When is your birthday? August 5th. A day that will live in great reverence around the world. And no, I am not being conceited…it is the day that Actress Marilyn Monroe was found dead in her Los Angeles home at age 36. Her death was ruled a probable suicide from an overdose of sleeping pills. I guess instead of standing on top of blowing street vents she should have learned how to read medicine labels. Maybe she wouldn’t have croaked.

21. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night person. Anyone who is that jazzed in the morning is obviously faking it.

22. What is your shoe size? 11EEE in Nike’s, 10EEE in New Balance, and 10.5EEE in Sacony. I haven't bought a pair of Adidas for many years, so I have no idea what size I would wear.

23. Pets? Yes please!

24. Any new and exciting news you ' d like to share with us? Sure. Carrie Hudon is preggers.

25. What did you want to be when you were little? A stock broker who specialized in junk bonds.

26. How are you today? I was doing good…and then I started doing this survey.

27. What is your favorite candy? Starbursts

28. What is your favorite flower? Bird of Paradise.

29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? The days that start with the letter S. Oh, and every other day that starts with the letter F.

30. What's your full name? Donald Reed Sorenson

31. What are you listening to right now? Kevin forcing himself to burp just so he can say “Mmmm…excuse me.”

32. What was the last thing you ate? A piece of pecan pie from Costco. Not the best piece of pie, but not the worst either.

33. Do you wish on stars? Only when I am on my way to the cinema.

34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Green. Maybe Red.

35. How is the weather right now? Check it yourself. I am not your daddy. www.weather.com

36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? Chuck Torelli’s 2nd in command. I don’t know his name, but he sounded like he was an OK guy. I think from now on I will call him #2.

37. Favorite soft drink? Coca Cola with turd ice. Heck, anything with turd ice.

38. Favorite restaurant? It used to by Tony Roma’s and then they destroyed their menu. Now I would have to say Marie Callendars.

39. Real hair color? Brown with a hint of amber coloring. Uh, on second thought let’s just say brown.

40. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Spiderman big wheel. There was no place I couldn’t go in that thing.

41. Summer or winter? Hey survey, what the hell do you have against Spring and Fall? Are they not viable options? Not like it matters. Summer blows them all away.

42. Hugs or kisses Really…whoever originally sent out this long waste of my time survey should really ensure they have all punctuation right before they send it out. I believe you are asking me whether I like hugs or kisses better. Anyone who says hugs is lying. If you are settling for a hug it means you can kiss the chance of ever being kissed goodbye.

43. Chocolate or Vanilla? Rainbow Sherbet.

44. Coffee or tea? How about cake or death? That is a more logical choice.

45. Do you want your friends to email you back? No matter what I say here, they will email me back. But what they are doing to email back I have no clue.

46. When was the last time you cried? When “The Dirty Dozen” was on AMC last month. By far one of the most touching movies of all time. Just thinking about Jefferson dying before he can make it back to...::sniff:: ::sniff:: Sorry, I can’t finish that comment. The thought of it all causes too much pain.

47. What is under your bed? I don’t know, but it smells like a dead whore.

48. What did you do last night? Went home, took off my pants…and popped some popcorn for Lisa’s young women’s group activity.

49. What are you afraid of? Carnies. And Tonya Harding.

50. Salty or sweet? Both

51. How many keys on your key ring? 27. I have no idea what 25 of them do, but I like to roll out in public looking like a high school janitor. It gets the ladies every time.

52. How many years at your current job? 9 years and about 7 or so months. 6 months of those were spent actually working.

53. Favorite day of the week? See question number 29. I refuse to answer this question more than once per survey.

54. How many towns have you lived in? Kennewick, Richland, and West Richland. Although through many hours of therapy I have blocked the memories of living in Richland out of my head.

55. Do you make friends easily? With people who I want to be friends with I do.

56. How many people will you send this to? I would count the names up top, but just like Kathy Wilson says, “Math is for ugly people.”

57. How many will respond? Sorry, 56 survey answers are my daily limit. Come back tomorrow for the answer to this gem.

So now, for those who still might be check this old blog of mine for new posts, I am tagging you. I tag you to fill out this survey and post it. If you don’t then you will have 7 years of bad lick.

And yes, I do mean lick. Bad licks are worse than bad luck, that is why you better re post this.

Oh yeah, and a big thank you to those who will read this. My self esteem thanks you also.

Travel Who? Travel John!

2009-07-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend. And while I didn't have the same kind of 4th that I had last year, it was still great. Lisa's Sister Kristin, her Husband Matt, and their 6 kids came over from SLC, and we all had a jolly good time. And even though I was bested in a game of Risk by my nephew Jacob, I still extended the invitation for them to visit anytime.

OK, now to the post that I have been planning for the last 2 days. This weekend I was at Schucks to buy a couple auto related items, and an item caught my eye. At first I thought it was some joke box that someone had left on the shelf for a good laugh. But then I picked it up for a closer look, and it was indeed real.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the blog world, I present to you....The Travel John.

The picture on the box explains it all. Think about it:

Stuck on the Hollywood Freeway and have the urge to take a tinkle? The Travel John can take that tinkle (and the smell) so you can dump it out on Melrose.

Out camping and the only option is to use the port o potty that smells like a bathroom toilet used by 6 year olds trying to learn how to aim? The Travel John has a unisex adapter so both men and women can use it!

There are so many situations where The Travel John could come in handy!

I must say though my favorite part of this product is the testimonial page on their website. Here is a sample of a couple good ones:

I know of "TravelJohn" through a traffic school course that I attended. The instructor informed us of such a product. TravelJohn "saved my life" on a number of occasions..:-) I travel by planes. And somehow, many times when I just get off the airplane, I don't feel the need to "go". But when I get to my car in the parking structure, the system starts to "kick in", and to run all the way back inside the terminal would mean wet pants for me. And there I have it, TravelJohn. I get into the back seat of my dark-tinted car,... and the rest is history. :-) Thanks, L.N. 11/04/05.

Thanks for that visual of you in the back seat of your car L.N!

And then there is M.P.'s testimonial:

I just came back from a 2 week adventure in Mongolia. The #1 Travel-John saved me (+ 3 friends). Picture, if you will, us in a nomadic tent with 200-300 goats + sheep between us and our "toilet". (A hole in the ground). It is the middle of the night and the temperature is about 35 degree( its 36 degree in the tent!) Out comes #1 Travel-John to the rescue!! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For such an easy-to-use, clean GREAT product. -- M.P 8/28/00

Thanks for the M.P. I had no idea that goats and sheep accompanied people on adventure trips to Mongolia.

And then there is this one:

Hello, This is to let you know that we tried your Travel John Personal urinal for my double amputee husband, who is wheel chair bound. This product is wonderful!! Be it a trip on the access bus to the doctor, or out of tour in our vehicle, this is a great idea! It helps to discreetly and safely relieve handicapped, greatly reliving body and mind and less stress for the disabled and also the caregiver! It's the greatest thing since disposable undergarments for handicapped (adults) (Or ice cream J ).It gives peace of mind and security. Thanks, S.H. 02/28/05.

OK, a double amputee is not funny, but the thought of a double amputee's wife helping him relieve himself on a bus IS funny. I mean, I have had to go really bad before in the past while on the bus back home from the Benton/Franklin County Fair, but arms or not, I am not going to whip out a Travel John and mortify not only my kids, but the other occupants heading back to the Kamiakin High School parking lot.

Now the question I am looking for get answered here today. When Lisa, the girls, and I go on our trek down to California, should I believe the hype and stock up on Travel Johns, or stick with the McDonald's bathrooms we hit along the way?

Before you answer that question, review the instructions for avoiding a PEEmergency:

I think this just might make it on our trip. Even if we don't use it, I would love to tell fellow travelers we meet on the road how we didn't really have to stop here because we have a 3 pack of Travel Johns stashed in the glove box.

I can see the look on Lisa's face right now.

What To Do When Your Dog Is Gender Confused

2009-07-03T08:52:00.000-07:00

OK, both of my dogs are female, but for some reason when one of their heat cycles come around, they both act very funny. Now when I say funny I don't just mean that they roll around on the grass. I guess the best way to explain it is to relay the following conversation Lisa told me last night that our girls had with her earlier that day. It went something like this:

Alexandra and Lorelai: "MOM!!! Do you want to see what the dogs were doing with each other IN THE HOUSE!?!"

Lisa: (Who is probably half expecting what they are going to do, since we have seen the dogs do it off and on for the last 2 years.) "Uh...OK...what did they do?"

Alexandra and Lorelai: "They did this!"

Aleandra then proceeds to get down on all fours, while Lorelai gets on top of her and starts bouncing up and down.

I am not making this up, I promise.

Lisa, who I can only imagine is trying to keep a straight face, tells the girls to stop what they are doing and then asked, "Where did you see the dogs do that?"

"Right over where they sit!" Alexandra and Lorelai say while pointing to the dog's official in the house spot.

"EWWWW!!" is about all Lisa can muster at this point.

Meanwhile the dogs are both sitting there watching this unfold with the most innocent looks on their faces, like they have no idea what Lisa and the girls are talking about.

While Lisa is telling me all of this, all I can think about is a cover of the old newstand magazine The Weekly World News. The headline read: "HOMOSEXUAL DOGS CAN BE CURED!"

I guess it is high time I start looking into what cure they may be talking about.

Oh, and for those of you out there who don't believe me when I say I have two lesbian labs, Lisa snapped a photo of it in 2007:

Very disturbing indeed.

New U.S. Army Complaint form

2009-06-30T14:51:00.000-07:00

Now that the era of President Barrack Hussein Obama has been ushered in, there have been a few changes with how our military goes about things. The biggest difference that the public may notice is the reduction in troops from Iraq. Of course this was already planned by the previous President, George Walker Bush, but as everyone knows, it is all Bush’s fault for EVERYTHING, and President Obama can do no wrong.

No, seriously, Obama is the messiah…it isn’t in his being to make mistakes. (The teleprompter sees to that.)

One of the changes that the general public doesn’t know about is President Obama’s new guidelines for reporting meanness in the military. Since bullets will soon be replaced with handing out daisies to our enemies in hopes they will want to solve everything by talking instead of fighting (So far so good right? I know that Iran and North Korea think so!), our troops attitudes need to be softened towards their fellow human beings. Therefore, a new Army complaint form has been issued. It has been directed to military members that whenever someone feels that they have been wronged to fill out this form and the problem will be taken care of right away.

I want this to work as much as you do. Hopefully this form will be a step in the right direction, and instead of being at odds with places like Cuba, Venezuela, Iran, and North Korea, we can join them in their far superior way of life (And government!), and all be the best of friends!

The Death of an American Music Icon

2009-06-25T15:55:00.001-07:00

Rest in Peace Michael Jackson

August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Ignorance is bliss, especially when you are an uninformed environmentalist

2009-06-24T05:55:00.000-07:00

Actual conversation I had after work yesterday with some envirohippie:

Envirohippie: "Hey, how did you have your car converted to hydro carbon? Does it run cleaner now?"

Me: "Oh I didn't switch anything. It was a limited release from Honda back in 1996, and it runs great!"

Envirohippie: "Wow, that is so cool. It is nice when the younger generation takes interest in saving the earth."

Me: "Uh...yeah. Have a good one."

Thank you Glenn Beck. Your sticker made this conversation possible.

Want your own sticker for your CAR/TRUCK/SUV? Click here!

Just in case you ever feel like you are a bad parent....these brainstems prove otherwise

2009-06-23T14:20:00.001-07:00

There….doesn’t that make you feel better about your parenting skills?

Electricity...not just for TV's, Radios, and capital punishment anymore

2009-06-17T14:52:00.001-07:00

A few weeks back I had to take an electrical safety course out at work. You see, we have a lot of new people coming in, and they want to reiterate just how dangerous electricity can be not only at work, but in your own home too. There is enough flow of electricity in your home to do this kind of damage. In fact, for the last year or so I have wanted to remove the annoying outlet covers that Lisa had installed on EVERY outlet in the house. It is a bother when every time you go to use an outlet you have to practically sell your soul to the devil to open up one of those covers. But after both the class I took and watching this video, I think I will leave them on until our girls are able to comprehend the true danger of electricity.

With that being said, the video looks like it might be from India. If you haven’t already watched it I must warn you that it might be a little graphic to some people. But every once in a while people need to see something like this to be reminded of the danger that electricity causes. Oh, and I am not a Doctor, but I don’t think the guy survived. I could be wrong, but usually when someone bursts into flames after being electrocuted they are on their way to meet their maker.

Happy Wednesday, and be safe around electricity!

El Donaldo's Favorite Email of the week

2009-06-11T10:23:00.001-07:00

Recently Michelle Obama went to serve food to the homeless at a soup kitchen.

Cost of a bowl of soup at homeless shelter $0.00 dollars

Having Michelle Obama serve you your soup $0.00 dollars

Snapping a picture of a homeless person who is receiving government funded meal while taking a picture of the first lady using his $500 BlackBerry cell phone Priceless

Human kindness at its best

2009-05-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

I know that I haven’t blogged in a while, but when you have a wife who also blogs and covers just about everything that happens in your family, sometimes it is hard to find material. Sure I could go on about politics day and night, but I would like for El Donaldo readers to come away with something a little bit more than, “Our country is in shambles, and President Obama is only making it worse.”

So today I present to you a story I was emailed last week. I do not know if this story is true, but that isn’t the point.

The Baseball Game

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

“When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.

Where is the natural order of things in my son?”

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued, “I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.”

Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, “Do you think they'll let me play?” I knew most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, “We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.”

A Moment of a Lifetime

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all teammates.

Run Home, Shay!

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, “Shay, run to first! Run to first!”

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, “Run to second, run to second!”

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball, the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, “Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay!”

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, “Run to third! Shay, run to third!”

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, “Shay, run home! Run home!”

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

“That day,” said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, “the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world.”

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home to his mother's tearful embrace of her little hero of the day!

There are some people who would read this story and would be offended that the boys pretended there was nothing wrong with Shay instead of recognizing the abilities he did have as a disabled person. They may say these boys were part of the problem the world has in dealing with people who are disabled. But I choose to look at it this way: Through their actions they made Shay happy. Sure, they could have just stuck him in the game, and the opposing pitcher could have whizzed three fastballs right by him to end the game. Shay would have still been thrilled to have played in a real baseball game. But they didn’t. Instead they gave Shay a memory that would stay with him for the rest of his life.

I know that if anyone ever did this for my Elisabeth, it would make me happy to know that even though it wasn’t real, it would seem so to her.

Greatest Baseball Play in History

2009-05-04T08:06:00.001-07:00

This came across my inbox today. I had never heard of or seen this before, but it is nice to see someone save the flag from two dirty hippie bastards trying to burn it during a baseball game. If for some reason the video doesn't show up, you can watch it here.

On another note, I don't know how many of you watch The Amazing Race on CBS, but if you do, I hope you agree with me when I say that if a chance to win 1 million dollars is on the line and I am only minutes ahead of the next team, you better believe I would pee my pants instead of wasting my time doing it in a honey bucket. I was rooting for the sister team to make it, but after that stunt they pulled they no longer deserved to be in the final.

Have a good week everyone.

But they were at a consensus!

2009-04-27T15:54:00.001-07:00

Some of you may have noticed that in my Earth Day post I used the word “consensus” several times. My reason for that was to set up this post. You see, over the years scientists and others who are considered experts in their fields have come to conclusions on major issues that for a time, change the way the world spins around. Then later on, those conclusions go up in a puff of smoke, and are never heard from or considered viable opinions again.

Today I present you with 5 things that during their time, scientists were positive they were right. There was a consensus by golly! Case closed! The debate is over! But they ended up being wrong. The first case I bring before you has to do with boobs. Not real boobs mind you, but the fake variety.

SILICONE IMPLANTS

As you know, some women just aren’t happy with their chest size. While pieces of toilet paper and push up bras work fine for the outward appearance, some women would rather have something that they don’t have to prepare every morning. This is where fake boobage comes in.

For those of you who are not up on your fake boob history, there are two kinds of breast implants: saline and silicone. Back in the early 1960’s, Dow Corning developed the first silicone prototypes for women. They proved very popular, but by the decade of decadence (Duh, the 1980’s dude.) medical researchers were warning women who were looking for the perfect bust that there was a dangerous link between silicone implants and serious health problems such as breast cancer, auto-immune disorders, and neurological conditions.

Much to the disappointment of the general male population, silicone implant manufacturers found themselves under attack from seedy lawyers whose offices were located in a strip mall next to a liquor store, to the big time personal injury lawyers located in posh business parks. In the next 2 decades, nearly 400,000 injury claims were filed against Dow Corning, with an additional 20,000 lawsuits on the books against them. Because of the severe backlash, Dow Corning not only completely halted manufacturing silicone implants; they also paid out about 3.2 billion dollars in claims. Of course by then the company that started in 1942 when Dr. Shailer Bass developed silicone grease (Dow Corning #4 Compound) that made high altitude flight possible was in complete disarray and was forced to file for bankruptcy.

Take that Dow Corning!! A big evil corporation that had been manufacturing a product that was a potential killer had been taken down! There is just one miniscule problem. Today the scientific consensus overwhelmingly agrees there is zero evidence that links silicone breast implants to any female health problems.

The next case brings us to something loved the world over, and little did we know it could also be a killer!

RED M&M’S

They may melt in your mouth and not in your hand, but there is something else you may not know M&M’s were thought to do at one time: Kill you! Back in the bicentennial year of 1976, Soviet scientists warned the world that FD&C Red No.2 food dye was a suspected carcinogen. You really have to ask yourself one question though. Why during the cold war would we pay attention to what Soviet scientists had to say? Were they just mad that others were using the color red?

The Food and Drug Administration did their own tests on Red No.2, and even though tests were inconclusive, the FDA decided to ban the additive anyway. This set off a widespread panic about every foodstuff colored red. And even though red M&M’s never even contained FD&C Red No.2, Mars banished the red ones to the same candy hell that also housed lime flavored Starbursts. The red M&M stayed away until 1987, when it was brought back by popular demand. I guess by that point people were so hard up for the red ones they didn’t care 11 years ago they were afraid to eat them.

Now here is the kicker. More than 30 years later, there is still no evidence that the red dye actually poses any threat to humans. What a surpise!

So if red M&M’s were bad, what about one of nature’s red fruits? Buyers beware of the dangerous….

APPLE JUICE

Who doesn’t love a nice glass of apple juice in the morning, noon, or night? Would you still love the juice if it could give you cancer? Once upon a time, apple growers in the United States sprayed their orchards with an agricultural chemical known as Alar. In the mid 1980’s scientists started to report that Alar was causing cancer in lab mice. The American Academy of Pediatrics lobbied the EPA to ban the chemical so no children would have to be stricken with cancer. You even had the actress Meryl Streep film a PSA to warn about apple juice containing Alar residue. In fact, Ms. Streep even testified before congress as an “expert witness.”

Before you knew it, grocery stores stopped accepting shipments of apples. Families across the country were dumping gallons and gallons of apple juice down the sink in fear they may have already given their children cancer. Apple growers around the U.S. lost hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue.

With that being said, for once the scientists were right….kind of. You see, Alar IS a carcinogen, there is no denying that. However, further studies found that a person would need to drink about FIVE THOUSAND GALLONS of apple juice a DAY to present a measurable health risk. I love my apple juice almost as much as I love my coca-cola, but I feel safe in the fact that drinking 5000 gallons of anything in one day will kill me via water poisoning before the cancer would have a chance to take hold.

LIVING UNDER POWER LINES

This scientific finding came about because of a flawed study done in 1979 by an epidemiologist. The study hinted at a possible link between suburban cases of childhood leukemia and residential power lines. The culprit: EMF’s or Electromagnetic fields from the high voltage wires. Countless follow-up studies have no found connection whatsoever between EMF’s and any significant health risks. But this is a prime example of what happens when one nut bar scientist with a half-baked idea gives new life to the EMF scare.

Other examples of this scare are:

1. Talking on your cell phone for prolonged periods of time.
2. Sleeping under an electric blanket during wintertime (Or in my beautiful wife’s case, anytime of the year.) raises the risk of pregnant women giving birth to a child with serious defects.
3. A male police officer holding a radar speed gun next to the boys down below increases the risk of testicular cancer.

Many people out there hold these theories to be true since they have received 17,398 email warnings from John Hopkins University saying just that. In reality subsequent EMF studies have not uncovered any convincing evidence that proves they are harmful.

Now it is time for my favorite one, mostly because it is completely contradictory to what they go on and on about now.

THE NEXT ICE AGE

In the 1970’s climatologists were certain we were heading for the next great ice age. The world was cooling at an alarming rate, they said. Average global temperatures had been trending downward since 1940, and there was no end in sight. But people were skeptical. Some of the older generations remembered that scientists has also rang the bell on global cooling in the 1920’s, but by the 1930’s were claiming that global warming was now happening and was unstoppable. And of course by the 1970’s those crazy climatologists were back on the cooling bandwagon again.

But this time it was different they said! The evidence backing up global cooling was sound!! They were at a consensus that evidence was irrefutable we would all freeze to death!!! In order for the world to survive the freezing temps drastic action must be taken to reverse the inevitable!!!

Proposed solutions included intentionally melting the polar ice cap by covering it with black soot. That is an idea that would even make Al Gore proud.

Instead, we decided on another solution; we chose not to listen to the experts. And everybody knows how global cooling played out in the end right?

There are many other examples of science (GASP!) being wrong. One I did not mention was the impending population boom that was going to wipe out earth’s population. This, my friends is one of the many reasons I refuse to buy into the global warming scare. If the day comes that I am forced to live on a boat like Kevin Costner in Waterworld, I will then have no choice but to change my mind and say I am sorry I doubted them. Until that day comes, I will conduct business as normal. Hopefully most of you will come to a “consensus” on that.

Killer Queen Version 2.0

2009-04-23T15:54:00.001-07:00

After killing brain cells yesterday doing so much thinking/writing about Earth Day I decided to kill off brain cells the way the rest of America does and talk about something that has captivated America every year from January to June for the last 8 years. That’s right; I am talking about American Idol. Now, when AI started way back in 2001 I was down for watching it. The beginning of every season does a great job of showing everything that is wrong in America. What I mean is it gives you a snapshot of what happens when every day of a kid’s life they are told by their parents, teachers, coaches, friends, relatives, and internet chat rooms that they are really good at something when in all actuality they not only suck at it, but should have tried something else a long time ago. It shows what the consequences are from giving the team that comes in last place a trophy, and a note telling them that since they tried their hardest, they are winners too.

If I have lost you here let me explain myself. Every year at the beginning of A.I., you will inevitably have a great many of contestants on the show get up in front of the judges with the confidence that because their Parents and Grandparents told them how wonderful they are at singing while in the shower they could be the next American Idol. But after 15 seconds of them destroying Stevie Wonder or Celine Dion every single man, woman, and child in America (not to mention the judges sitting there having to listen first hand to the hot mess.) knows that they just witnessed crappiness at its finest. At that same moment we witness an epic fail, the person who sang the song truly believes they just blew away Simon Cowell and Co. It isn’t until Randy says dog in a disparaging tone 5-6 times, Paula gets that look on her face like the last swig of gin out of the Coca-cola cup in from of her had gone bad, and Simon perks up knowing he is about to destroy someone for the first time in their life that said person has any idea they just sucked it up. Of course this is followed by tears, and hug from Mom and Grandma wearing identical tweedy bird shirts who are telling their little shooting star how the judges were so unfair to them, and how next year when they audition again the judges will see how they made a mistake.

This alone is worth watching the show to me. It is also why Simon Cowell is the man, and more people should be like him. Of course if more people were like Simon, millions of kids across America would realize early on in life that maybe they should try to be good at something else. But even the joy I have gotten the last few years out of the first few weeks has greatly faded to the point where I don’t really pay any attention to A.I. That is until this season. That is until Adam Lambert decided to show up and blow away everyone, including the normally unflappable Simon Cowell.

If you don’t watch A.I. regularly, I suggest that you at least find out when Adam is singing, and tune in just to watch him go at it. Never in all of the years of A.I. have I seen a contestant as well rounded as Mr. Lambert. He can go the flamboyant rout, and the very next week goes the straight laced 50’s school boy rout. He can hit notes that only eunuchs and young choir boys. He can do just about anything he wants to up on stage, and the judges, as well as America, will talk about it for the rest of the week.

Every time I watch Adam perform he reminded me of someone. It wasn’t until last week when I was talking to one of my co-workers that I figured out who. Adam is Freddie Mercury from Queen reincarnated. It is as simple as that. I mean, look at the similarities:

1. Both have dark hair

2. Both have the ability to be as flamboyant as Elton John, yet as badass as Dave Grohl.

3. Both are loved by women, but loved even more by men.

4. Both have enough confidence in their abilities they can sell it to whoever is watching.

I never thought that there would anyone like Freddie Mercury in the music world again. But then along came this kid. When he wins American Idol he has the ability to blow away any other artist to be produced by the show. This all begs the question: Where has he been all the other seasons this show has been on? Every year I think this when they find new contestants, but really, where was he the year we had to listen to that douche bag Taylor Hicks? No offense to Taylor, but he wouldn’t even be allowed to carry Adam’s ruby encrusted knapsack for him. Taylor would be lucky enough to push one of the brooms that sweep the stage at the end of the night after Adam kicked butt all over it earlier in the day.

So for at least one more season, I will watch A.I. This one guy makes it totally worth it. You go Adam. Freddie Mercury would be so proud.

The most useless day of the year....Earth Day

2009-04-22T12:35:00.001-07:00

Here it is again. April 22^nd. To a lot of us this is just another day. But to others it is a day equal to Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Boxing Day, Waitangi Day, Balloon Ascension Day, Mardi Gras, Save the Rhino Day, The 4^th of July, and Dictionary Day combined. Yes ladies and gents, it is once again Earth Day!!

First off, let me tell you what really annoys me about this day. I don’t like being forced into something by someone trying to make me feel guilty. I don’t like how you only care about the Earth if you follow every crazy thing environmentalists and others who treat environmental problems like they are a religion want you to follow. And most of all, I don’t like how the green movement is no longer about helping the environment. It is strictly for making money off of people’s emotions. If you don’t believe me, look into the company General Electric. You know the company that owns NBC Universal and uses everything in its power to promote their products on TV, radio, and print? Who does absolutely asinine things such as “Green Week” on NBC, CNBC, MSNBC, USA, and whatever other channels they own by claiming that since they planted 100 trees somewhere in Somalia they can use all the oil, gas, and electricity they want? OK, now with that out of the way, we can get on with our Earth Day lesson.

Does anyone out there in blog land know why Earth Day came into being? Is it because some hippies up in San Francisco needed a good reason to get high, and the idea of an Earth Day would give them an excuse? Did some scientists come together on a “consensus” and decide if we did not have an Earth Day the oceans would rise and people on the Eastern seaboard would all drown? If you answered yes to either of those, I really hope you are joking. The real answer on who created Earth Day is….wait for it….A POLITICIAN!!!

Shocking huh? Now please, read further and I will give you a quick history on the origins of Earth Day, and some of the things that scientists and other so called experts claimed with near certainty were going to happen but never did.

It all started with a Gaylord from Wisconsin. No, I am not trying to make fun of any sexual preference he might have had, that was his name. Gaylord Nelson was a Senator from the great state of Wisconsin. Mr. Nelson loved the earth (I don’t know if he still is kicking or not, and if he is, I bet he still loves the earth just as much now as he did then.) and wanted to find a way to get others to feel the same way. The Senator got the idea for Earth Day when he visited an oil spill off the coast of Santa Barbara, Ca. (Side note: While I do agree that oil spills are bad, what is a Senator from Wisconsin doing over in California? Shouldn’t he be taking care of business in his own state?)

Senator Nelson, after many sleepless nights trying to decide what to call this special day for mother Earth, finally decided on the very original “Earth Day.” With a name in place for his special day, he only had one problem: getting people to pay attention to what he had to say. It was then that he came up with a revolutionary (I don’t know if it was revolutionary or not, but it makes for good reading.) idea: a massive nationwide “teach-in.”

The next problem that the Senator ran into was how to get people to attend his teach-in. He needed something that would get people’s attention. Something that would let people know how important this was, and in turn would make them attends this event. A lot of demand was created when an expert from Haaarvard claimed: “Civilization will end within 15 or 30 years unless IMMEDIADTE action is taken against problems facing mankind.” Of course that statement was made about 39 years ago and here we are, still kickin’ it. That is what I call a first class fail.

The statement that Mr. Harvard makes is just the kind of thing the Senator needed to get the ball rolling. After all, the best way to publicize a teach-in is to use the time honored tradition of scare tactics! Back in the late 60’s and early 70’s the scientific community was trying to convince people of the impending doom that was global cooling. Scientists and other experts were certain that very soon the next ice age were going to commence, and if we did not act right now we would be buried up to our necks in frozen water. (Hmm….does this sound familiar to anyone? Me thinks that argument is still being peddled today, but with global warming.) In fact, some scientists claimed the only way to save us from impending doom was to melt the arctic ice cap on purpose. If that isn’t a great scare tactic, then I don’t know what is.

Another major issue back in the day that frightened people into attending the 1^st Earth Day was the “Population Bomb” theory. All the experts came to a “consensus” that the Earth was way too overcrowded and there was no way that we could ever possibly feed every hungry mouth. To go along with this scare tactic, one expert from Stanford even told people that food shortages would cause a “Great Die-off” of about 4 BILLION people within the next ten years.

All of this ado brings us to the first Earth Day celebration on April 22, 1970. Millions of people scared out of their minds by the dire predictions made by these so called “experts” took part. Schools and universities around the country organized special events in which to brain wash….ERRR… educate people about the environment. A few students at one school staged a mock trial accusing Chevrolet of destroying the earth, with Chevy being found guilty of all charges. Another group of people went around handing out tea and rice, which they claimed would be the only food that would be available during the famine years we were facing. Yet another group of people held a ceremony to award the Atomic Energy Commission with the “Environmental Rapist of the Year” award. (No doubt some of the same people who were crying over trees in this classic video took part in the first Earth Day.)

So here we are, almost 40 years later and people still celebrate Earth Day. It has spread from the U.S. to many different countries around the globe. Interestingly enough the scariest environmental catastrophes promised on the first Earth Day either never happened or have been completely discredited. My only hope is that some day in the near future the current hysteria over global warming will meet the same fate.

There you have it. You know now how the first Earth Day came about. And whatever became of Gaylord Nelson you may ask? He was voted out of office in 1980 and wasn’t heard from again. I guess he should have moved to Santa Barbara and tried to run for office there.

So go out and celebrate Earth Day by using all the energy you can. Throw away plastic bottles in the real trash; ask for paper and plastic when you buy groceries. And when one of your friends accuses you of being brain dead and not caring, just smile and enjoy the knowledge that there is a good chance they wouldn’t get the joke even if you tried to explain it to them.

A great day to be an American

2009-04-15T22:22:00.000-07:00

April 15th, the day millions of Americans dread, is here. But this year wasn't like other years when we refill the government coffers. This is the year where hundreds of thousands of Americans, many who are sick and tired of seeing their taxes go up, and many others who are sickened by the amount of spending that not only President Obama is endorsing, but what George Bush endorsed when he was President stood up and said enough is enough.

And while the idea for T.E.A.(Taxed Enough Already) Parties are being attributed to "far right wing" extremists, that is not the case. Today I saw people from many walks of life, and while there were some, well, lets just say "interesting" people, most were there to show their disgust with the bureaucrats in Washington D.C. I saw people who had shirts proclaiming themselves "Fiscally responsible Democrats." I saw people who are sick and tired of having their hard earned money being wasted. I talked to people who claimed that they never had thought about coming to a rally, but felt they had to do something to feel like they are being heard.

All in all, it was a positive experience. I am glad that I went down and participated. I am one of those who never pictured myself attending something like this, but after the last 3 years of ridiculous amounts of money being flushed down the toilet (Even worse, the amount since September is enough to make you throw up in your mouth.) something had to be done to show my disgust. There were estimates of between 600-700 people in attendance, and I had the privilege of meeting a few of them. Here are some pics from this afternoon:

My friend from church, Cara Linde, with the killer sign she made for the occasion. You will notice this sign somewhere else further down in the pics. She called about 30 minutes before the rally and was thinking of not going. When I told her it was her patriotic duty, she changed her mind.

This is towards the beginning of the rally. Cars were honking in support. Of course there were also naysayers who drove by who like it when the government wastes their money, but I didn't get any pic of them.

When I saw this couple with their kids here, it made me wish I would have brought Alexandra and Lorelai with me so they could see what we have the right to do in this great country of ours. That, and I love this dude's sign.

Another pic towards the beginning. An hour later there was standing room only this close.

More people lining the street to wave at passing cars.

This is just one side of the crowd that showed up.

I saw these guys and loved all three signs. The middle one hits the nail on the head. This is not just a Republican or Democrat problem. Both parties are guilty of spending money that we don't have.

I saw this guy walk all over the place with that flag. He could have been off doing something else with his afternoon, but decided to spend his time in the park. I am glad he was there and let me take his photo.

This sign needs no explanation.

I told you Cara's sign would make another appearance. When she had to leave she asked the man in charge if he would like to use her sign in front of the speaker's table, and he gladly obliged.

The three stooges. Sad but 100 percent true.

Nice simple sign that pretty much spells it out for you. The first picture I took of he she wasn't looking. This one she smiled for me, but alas, the sign covered up her mug.

More young adults out letting their voices be heard. I only hope that my girls would have the courage to do this at that age. I think they will.

Talk about a family affair! I spoke with this lovely lady for a few minutes about how we both felt we had to do something. She told me that it was a good experience for her kids to be at the rally. Even though her children saw some of the negativity that certain motorists driving past exhibited, it was still worth it.

This lady looked very happy to me to be there.

Yet another nice young family I encountered today. I loved their kids shirts. They read, "I'm 3 years old and already owe 33,000!"

Another creative sign. I love the addition of the floaty!

Another good sign.

It was nice to see so many people who wanted to be there this afternoon.

This girl and her friend both had these shirts.

Another view from the speaking area.

My second favorite sign of the day! Thank you President Obama!

When I asked these lovely ladies if I could use their picture for El Donaldo Blogo, they wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to be negative towards them. When I explained I was 100 percent on their side, they were more than happy to oblige.

For those of you who haven't seen the Youtube video of Daniel Hannan, Conservative MEP for the South East of England, he sums this sentiment up perfectly.

This doesn't have to do with the rally. I just like the dog.

And last but not least, my favorite sign of the night. Yes I did give Obama props for giving the order to take out those dirt bag pirates, but I still loved this sign.

Hopefully some of you were able to make it to Tea Parties in your towns, and were able to have your voice heard. If not, I have a strong feeling that these will not be the last tea parties. Like I heard someone say earlier today, something is brewing in this country, whether people like it or not.

Very Interesting Quote

2009-04-14T15:39:00.001-07:00

A VERY PROPHETIC QUOTE



Norman Mattoon Thomas (November 20, 1884 - December 19, 1968) was a leading American socialist, pacifist, and six-time presidential candidate for the Socialist Party of America.

He was ordained as a Presbyterian minister in 1911.

As a candidate for President of the U. S., Norman Thomas said, in a 1944 epoch speech:
"The American people will never knowingly adopt socialism. But, under the name of "liberalism", they will adopt every fragment of the socialist program, until one day America will be a socialist nation, without knowing how it happened."

He went on to say:
"I no longer need to run as a Presidential Candidate for the Socialist Party. The Democratic Party has adopted our platform."

I came across this today, and with everything that has happened in the last few months, I found it very interesting.

Hopefully I will see some of you at the T.E.A. Party in Richland at John Dam Plaza tomorrow from 4-7 p.m. It should be a lot of fun!

Finally...a Barrack Obama product I ENDORSE!

2009-03-27T10:31:00.001-07:00

You can keep all the T-shirts and the glowing Barrack Obama pictures that pop up in magazines and newspapers.

Only fitting seeing how the President’s strategy on the economy, (Spend money we don’t have, and expanding government at a rate not seen in decades. Can’t let a crisis go to waste!!) and Tim Geithner’s bumbling are destroying our Dollar and trying whatever they can to nationalize not just banks, but private businesses as well.

Finally, check out this video. It is a good example of what happens when Countries turn to Socialism for the answer. I wish someone in our Congress would stand up like Daniel Hannan.

Have a good weekend, and hopefully our dollar isn’t devalued too much by Monday.

When Government Gets Involved....(Picture of the Day)

2009-03-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

…You end up with a lot of crap that has been sugar coated for you to swallow.

I don’t know about you, but I am sick of the crap they feed us!

The Nova's 1st car show

2009-03-23T12:53:00.000-07:00

These are pics from the Olympia Beatniks Car Show in Pasco on Saturday. As you can see, the Nova won a trophy! I had many compliments on the cleanup work I have done with the paint job, and several people told me that they haven’t seen a Nova in original condition that was as nice as mine! Needless to say I am very excited for the next car show I will be attending, which will be sometime in April.

The cool part is that Saturday would have been Lisa’s Grandmother Juanita’s 101^st birthday. Seeing how she was the owner of the car before me, it made for a nice day.

Dumb Blonde(s) Friday

2009-03-13T13:26:00.001-07:00

For fairness, I included both a dumb blonde male, and a dumb blonde female. I am not sure if it is a real knife going through his hand, but I do notice a pile of crumpled styrofoam cups in the lower left hand picture of the screen. Either way dude still registers as a dummy.

All week long I had blog ideas, yet I never posted anything. Bad El Donaldo!! I guess it is the miserable weather we have been having. It’s March for goodness sake. Can’t we have a little bit of warmer weather? Or even better, warmer weather NOT accompanied by the WIND?

Maybe I will get off my lazy butt and actually post next week. Time will tell.

Have a good weekend.

The internet is a useful tool, even for stupid people.

2009-03-03T06:34:00.000-08:00

You have all received them in your email inbox. Stories about extraordinary events. Reports of people who through either speeches or interviews have warned the public about people and or events that would damage our country. No matter what the context of the story, many people go ahead and forward it to their friends and family believing what they have just read is pure fact.

I for one am sick and tired of receiving emails that are nothing but bull crap. At least once a week I have one of my friends for filling up my inbox with emails that smell worse than Pelosi and Reid's Congress does. And for the last year or so, I have made it my personal mission to try and clear the Internet of emails that pull the heartstrings of the uninformed. So here I have compiled a list of emails that I have received not once, not twice, but several times since I started to use email back in 1997.

Bull crap email #1: OLIVER NORTH WARNS US ALL OF OSAMA BIN LADEN WAY BACK IN 1987

This particular email started to pop up soon after the terrorist attacks on 9/11. During a time when people wanted to know why there was no warning about what had happened to our country, some tweaker in his parent's basement decided that it would be fun to spread lies and discontent across the world wide web.

Sorry folks, no mention of Osama in this intelligence document.

I cannot count how many times I have received this email. However, when I do now receive it, I simply do reply to all (including the person who sent it to the person who sent it to me, so they too know they are clueless.) and write the word FAIL in big letters, and include the same snopes link that I included above.

Bull crap email #2: FOR EVERY TIME THIS EMAIL IS FORWARDED, LITTLE STEVIE SUCKINPUCKS WILL GET 5 CENTS TOWARDS A NEW APPENDIX! (Or a heart, kidney, spleen, knee caps, pinkie finger, etc., etc.)

Emails like these really try to play on people, and it makes me want to throw up. I mean c'mon people, do you really actually believe that there is some magical email program that is racking up silver Jefferson's every time another nitwit sends off this email to all of his friends and family, thinking that they just made 85 cents for some poor sick kid? Gimme a break! If you have ever forwarded one of these emails, shame on you. I would call you names and say how you are a drain on society, but then you might not finish reading this post. Speaking of emails trying to raise money for a cause, that brings me to bull crap email number 3.

Bull crap email #3: PLEASE SAVE ALL SODA PULL TABS! THEY WILL PAY FOR LITTLE JOEY'S DIALYSIS!

This email makes perfect sense right? Pull off the pull tap, throw away can, and turn in pull tap for life saving minutes on a dialysis machine. Nice try UBCEA! (United Bull Crap Emailers of America!) This farce is actually older than email forwards are. This ridiculous sob story has been used for saps to collect not only pull taps, but used cigarette packs too for people to mail off, only for those items to be thrown into the trash by the companies who receive them.

Pop tops are great for flicking with a rubber band, but for dialysis payment? Uh..not so much.

What is really sad is when a family has a child who has been diagnosed with a form of cancer hears of this moronic idea, and starts to diligently collect their pop tops in hopes that they are somehow doing something for their child, when it all actuality they are wasting time they could have otherwise been spending with their sick kid.

Not paid for by Shasta, Coke, Pepsi, or Green River.

There are many different variations of this email, but it is my hope you will be able to spot the bullcrappery.

Now the next time you see this monstrosity come across your desk, do everyone in the world a favor and let the person who sent it know how ridiculous it is. And if they are in reach, smack them upside the head while you are at it.

Bull crap email #4: IN CASE OF IMMINENT ROBBERY, TYPE IN YOUR PIN NUMBER BACKWARDS AND NOTIFY POLICE!

This email isn't as old as other faulty pieces of garbage floating out there in cyberspace, but it is the one that I have seen the most times in the last year or so. And while it sounds like a great idea, all it's going to get you if you pull this stunt with a couple of gun toting hooligans is a bullet in the back of the head. Of course if that happens, hopefully you have a load of pull tabs in a baggie at home that you can use to pay for your hospital stay. Or get the government to pay for it. That seems to be a popular choice more and more these days.

Lloyd tried his PIN backwards. Lucky the robber forgot bullets, and only gave him a shiner.

Bull crap email #5: DAVE MATHEWS HAS BEEN FOUND DEAD!

Now if there was one email that I have received in my inbox that I wished were true, this would have to be it. Sure, Dave Mathews allegedly plays a mean geetar, but that doesn't make his music any less crappy. Case in point: Les Claypool plays excellent base, but you wouldn't travel around the country in a VW Bus to watch Primus now would you? That's right, I didn't think so.

Other variations of this email might be something like the Troll Doll twins (Mary-Kate and Ashely Olsen) have been found dead, or that Brittni Spears has been accepted into a major university. Of course in the case of the Brittni Spears email, even a dunderhead would know that one is a fake from a mile away.

There you have it. Granted, there are 100's more emails out there that have maybe 2 percent truth to them and 98 percent pure lies, but these are the ones that always seem to pop up every few months. But with a little help from you out there, we just might be able to enjoy the day when friends quit spamming friends. The emails for natural male enhancement and free boob jobs from a Pakistani Doctor working out of a strip mall in the San Fernando Valley will still show up every day, but at least a decent email filter will take care of those.

*Editors note: If you have been offended by any part of this email I am sorry. With that being said, you are only offended because you have been guilty of one or more of the above transgressions. Now that you know the truth, you have a clean email sending slate. Make the best of it OK?

And now...we will never know...the rest of the story

2009-03-02T11:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a sad day. It was announced that radio news pioneer Paul Harvey died at his winter home in Arizona on Saturday. His voice was heard by millions upon millions of radio listeners since he first when national in 1951, and currently boasted about 22 million listeners a week. He was 90 years old.

I think the first time I heard Paul Harvey on the radio was with my dad in his 1961 Buick LeSabre. I remember it being in the early evening, and he was doing his "And now you know...the rest of the story" bit. I always loved hearing those quirky stories that Mr. Harvey liked to bring to his listening audience.

My liking of Paul Harvey News and Comment only grew from there. This may sound lame, but when I was in high school I would always listen to Paul Harvey. There was something soothing about hearing his voice on KONA 610 AM from noon to 12:15. And it wasn't just me who enjoyed him either. Through my Sophomore and Junior years, I went to lunch with the same group of guys pretty much every day, and we would always try to make it back out to the car by noon every day so we could hear him deliver news that for the most part did not pertain to us in the least. We even had an 8x10 glossy of good ol' Paul in the car!

Once out of high school I never seemed to have the time to tune into Mr. Harvey on a regular basis. But since then whenever I am in a car by myself, and the time of day is switching from Ante Meridiem to Post Meridiem, I would try to find him on the AM dial. But with those days now over, I am left with remembering the fun times I had listening to good ol' Paul.

I just have one more thing left to say to Paul Harvey. Gooood day.

Paul Harvey Aurandt

September 4, 1918 – February 28, 2009

Today is a great day.

2009-02-19T10:21:00.001-08:00

After spending the last few weeks watching President Obama and Congress buying everyone in America tickets for the Socialist bullet train coming to America, I have been a little bit down. I don’t like seeing my country do things that not only have been proven not to work, but in the long run make things worse off than they should be. (Sorry folks, FDR’s New Deal did not work. It failed. Just like the stimulus package will fail. The spending Japan tried in the 90’s when they were in a deep recession didn’t make the grade either. And just look at Venezuela…there is a place I want to live!!)

But today I am on a high. And because of what transpired yesterday I will have this feeling throughout spring and into the summertime. Sure, a lot of things are still wrong in America. But one wrong was made right yesterday. Ken Griffey Jr. came back to the Seattle Mariners.

Now for those of you who aren’t Mariners fans, this might not seem to be that big of a deal. But for those of you who have been there through the good times and the bad (mostly bad) you know what a big deal this is. If not for Griffey, the Mariners wouldn’t have had that magical run back in 1995 when they came from 13 games down in the standings to overtake the California Angels to claim the AL West crown. If not for Griffey, they wouldn’t have beaten the Yankees in game 5 that year of the ALDS when Edgar Martinez hit “The double”, a hit that still sends chills down the spines of Mariners fans everywhere. But most importantly, if not for Griffey, there would not be a baseball team in Seattle.

Simply put, the man is a legend here in the northwest. From 1989-1999, every kid in the state of Washington from Aberdeen to Zillah would claim that they were Ken Griffey Jr. when out playing baseball with their friends. Ken Griffey baseball cards were like currency, worth their weight in gold. I remember when we would play our pick up baseball games in the old neighborhood that I would try to stand and swing like “The Kid” did. And no one roamed the outfield and go after baseballs with reckless abandon the way “Junior” would. It didn’t matter if the outfield wall was going to cripple him; he was going to get that ball. He was the epitome of coolness.

Not only that, but he did not have to rely on steroids like many superstar baseball players did. He has hit 611 home runs in his career to this point, and the only drug he could be accused of taking was one that caused hard work and determination, and the willingness to sacrifice his body for the team and the sport he loved. Jim Rome once coined him “Nintendo Griffey” for his ability to make plays in the outfield that was only thought possible on a video game. And to top it all off he had that smile. A smile that said to you, “Don’t worry about anything. I’ve got in under control,” and you would believe him no matter what.

So ladies and gents, he might be in the twilight of his career and only have 2-3 more seasons in him. And he is probably not capable of hitting 40-50 home runs in a year anymore. But I don’t care. My boyhood hero is back in the town where it all started. And even if it is just for one season, at least I can sit back and enjoy watching the man they call “The Natural” play for the team that I have been a fan of all my life.

I would just like to say thank you Ken Griffey Jr. for coming back to play in the stadium that was built because of what you accomplished. Not only does it mean a lot to me, but it means a lot to Mariners fans all over the place. The kid is coming home!

Finally...The world of Breakfast cereal has been restored.

2009-02-11T21:09:00.000-08:00

I have been meaning to write this blog for awhile now. And since Lisa is still out with the girls for mutual, I decided now would be a good time.

When I was a kid, we were only treated to sugared cereal every so often. I am fairly certain one of the reasons why is because as soon as we would see a box of the sugary goodness come out of the Waremart bag, we were instantly into it. A box of sugar cereal would not last more than 2 days in the Sorenson household. Actually, that is the only reason why. We would eat it so fast, that my mom would go back to buying Rice Chex instead.

One of my favorite sugar cereals was Alphabits. Sure there were other sugar cereals that had more sugar in them, but only Alphabits came in the shapes of different letters! I enjoyed Alphabits all growing up.

But then something happened. One day many years ago when I had to start buying my own cereal, I decided I was going to take myself back to the glory days of living in Parker Brothers Valley (Yes, my childhood neighborhood growing up was named after the game makers. We even had Monopoly Park across the street!) and buy all the boxes of cereal that I would crave, but only get every blue moon. In my cart I had some Cap'n Crunch, a box of Cookie Crisp, (A cereal that my Mom drew the line at. No nutritional value whatsoever in that stuff...it is what makes it taste sooo good!) some Trix, and some Golden Grahams. All I needed was a box of Alphabits to round it out. But they were nowhere to be found!!! I tried every grocery store in the Tri-City area but to no avail. It was then that I had to face the cold hard truth...Alphabits no longer existed in the cereal universe.

For several years after the Alphabits extinction (As it came to be known.) I would look up and down the cereal aisle in vain trying to find the blue box with the boy and girl happily sharing a bowl of Alphabits goodness on it. After finally coming to grips with Post Cereal ripping out my heart by way of discontinuing Alphabits, I could walk down the cereal isle and not feel betrayed by their heartless gesture.

And then it happened! Last year I was at Walmart with the girls buying groceries. We were heading down the cereal isle, and just when we were about through it something caught my eye. Could it really be??? YES!!!! YES IT WAS!!!! WOOOHOOO!!!! ALPHABITS WERE BACK!!!

I felt like Sir Mix-a-Lot when he found out buttermilk biscuits were free today. Like when Buster Douglas knocked out Mike Tyson. (Which I believe happened 19 years ago today.) After many years of want, I was finally able to have again.

I bought only one box that day, and I pretty much ate the whole box myself. Since that day I have bought a box every time we go back to grocery shop. My girls like it too. I just hope that unlike their old man, they don't have to have it taken away from them.

Yes, the world of breakfast cereal is back where it should be.

And in remembrance of Tyson getting knocked out for the first time in his career, here is a clip of the 10th round when he went down.

Oh yes, and I can't forget those Buttermilk Biscuits!

The Tale of Two Elvas

2009-02-10T14:34:00.001-08:00

Before Elisabeth was born in September of 2007, we were tossing around different names for her. Lisa had wanted to use the name Elisabeth for about as long as she wanted to use the name Alexandra. I did like the name, but at the same time I wanted her to have a middle name that would honor someone who was very important in my life, my Great-Grandmother Elva Brinkerhoff.

It wouldn’t be the first time that we used a family name. Alexandra’s middle name is Louise, which is both my Mother in Law’s and Lisa’s Grandmother’s middle name. For Lorelai we used Lisa’s Dad’s name, Lee. We did change the spelling to Leigh (Which just so happened to also be Lorelai Gilmore’s middle name in the TV show Gilmore Girls, which is where we got the name Lorelai to begin with.) so it would sound a little more feminine. When it came time to find one for Elisabeth, we thought that Elva had a good ring to it.

My Grandma Elva died when I was only 8, but I have vivid memories of her and her house on Smith Ave. in Richland. She was what a Grandma is supposed to be; sweet, kind, loving, and the ability to spoil any child rotten. My sister Heidi and I both had a very close bond with both her and my Great-Grandfather Jess. There are too many memories to list on this post, so I will just leave it at this: Nobody in the world could have loved their Great-Grandparents (Which of course are the ones pictured above.) more than Heidi and I did, and I believe that the feeling was mutual with them.

One thing that I will talk about though is the little white and red ceramic cups that are also pictured above. Grandma Elva would use these little cups to put Jell-O into. We would go over to their house, and chances were better than none that those little cups would be filled up waiting for us in her fridge. It was one of the true joys of my childhood to have Jell-O in those cups. Needless to say I was quite excited when about a year or two ago my Mother asked if I would like to have a few of the cups for my own.

You might be asking what this has to do with our little Elisabeth. I didn’t even think of the connection until about a week ago. You see, Elisabeth has to take medication to control her seizures and her infantile spasms. I won’t go into further explanation, since almost all of you read Lisa’s blog and know all about our little miracle. Well, the medicine she takes is something called Depakote Sprinkles. And when I say sprinkles, I mean it. They resemble the same kind of sprinkles that they put on sugar cookies. They do not dissolve in liquid, so the only way Elisabeth can take them is to eat them with yogurt or some sort of baby food. Since yogurt is her food of choice, that is what we usually use. And what do we put the yogurt and Depakote Sprinkles in? Yup, you guessed it, the Jell-O cups that my Grandma Elva used all of those years ago.

Ever since last week when I realized this, I have thought about my Grandma Elva every night when I give Elisabeth her medicine. I picture her up in heaven with that wonderful smile on her face while she looks down on her Great-Great-Granddaughter taking the medication that she depends on to make her life just a little more normal than it would be without it. And while I only have a few things in my possession from my Great-Grandparents, these are by far my favorite and most precious.

Time for a Nova update!

2009-02-08T15:51:00.000-08:00

I realized that it has been awhile since I did any updates about what is going on with my Nova. If you didn't even know that I had a Nova, you need to go back and read this post.

Since it has been pretty cold around here, I haven't been able to do as much as I would have liked to do, but when it is 30 degrees outside and your garage is barely making it past 55 degrees, there is only so much you can do. That is until my darling wife bought be a heater for the garage. In combination with adding a couple extra flood lights to the garage for both lighting and warmth, I am now up to about 60 degrees inside. And that has made a big difference in what I can do.

So what have I been doing you ask? Mostly I have been working on detailing. I went ahead gave the car a coat of polish to prep it for the wax. In case you didn't know, there is a difference between polish and wax for a car. If you really want to know, you can read about it here.

I also gave the inside dash and seats a good cleaning. And while the dash is still cracked pretty bad in a couple spots, it looks a lot better than it did when I first received the car. Since yesterday was a day full of sunshine, I pulled it out to take some pictures. I only wish that I would have taken some before pictures of the paint so you could see how much dirt was ground into the body. Oh well, at least I know how bad it really was.

Long side view of the Nova.

I love how it looks all shiny now.

I took of the hubcaps and gave them a quick polish job. I need to do it one more time and they will look even better.

I really like this shot, because the front end of this car is one of my favorite features. In fact, if you go back to my first Nova post you can compare the pics on there to the ones now. I think you will see a big difference. (At least I do!)

I would have loved to keep the old blue California plates on, but it wasn't working out.

The green interior has really grown on me. The photo doesn't do all the cleaning I have done to these seats justice.

As goes for the dashboard and speedometer cluster. The photo doesn't show how clean it looks. These were filthy and now look brand new! (Well, other than the cracks!)

In the next month or so I am going to be doing some serious cleaning in the engine compartment. The first local car show is in March I believe, and I want to have her all ready to go by then. From what I have heard from people who have seen my Nova, it sounds like it will do great in the Original category at the shows. Hopefully next month I will have some trophies to go along with her!

Yet more proof Nancy Pelosi is a blow hard idiot.

2009-02-04T12:59:00.001-08:00

Not that anyone needed more proof of her stupidity.

And yes, she probably just misspoke, but just imagine if a conservative said something like this!

Monday morning safety videos, and a plug for a great vampire story

2009-02-02T08:28:00.001-08:00

OUCH, OUCH, AND OUCH!

Sorry for the lack of posting this past week. I have been a total blog slacker. About the only thing I have been doing online is geeking out on Facebook, watching “Welcome Back, Kotter” on Hulu, and reading “Hell on 5 Dollars a Day” by Greg Bulmash. If you have some extra time in your day, you should head over to his site and read it too. In fact, here is a link to the intro and first chapter of the story.

And always remember: wear a cup while skateboarding, wear a helmet when riding a bike, and don’t be a human motorcycle ramp. Follow these three safety rules, and you should be fine.

Superfly Weekend Video

2009-01-23T06:17:00.000-08:00

Now this is amazing. I have been watching Basketball since I was a little kid. Some of my first memories of watching it come from when I was around 2 or 3 and we lived in West Richland. My dad would sit in a chair from the dining room table about 5 feet away from the TV and watch sports. The only sports I remember him watching were WWF (Or maybe it was another 80's wrestling association, I don't know for sure.) and basketball. He is the reason for my love of both the Seattle Supersonics and the North Carolina Tar Heels.

So with that being said, I don't think I have ever seen a play like this before. Not in all of my years of playing on the playground. Not in any of the many basketball (High School/College/Pro ) games I have been too, and never on TV. Most of you have heard of an alley-oop play. For those of who are basketball deficient, it is a play where one player throws the ball up in the air, and another player jumps up, catches the ball in mid air, and then proceeds to make the shot. Most of the time the shot ends up being a dunk, but you don't necessarily have dunk it for a successful alley-oop.

I have seen this play 100 times over. But what I haven't seen is a double alley-oop. That is, until now. What is amazing is that this isn't the pros or college. It is a high school game, and from the looks of it not many people were there to actually see it. But because of the wonders of the Internet (More specifically YouTube.) we are able to enjoy it. I wouldn't be surprised if you start seeing this added to playbooks across the country.

Simply Amazing.

Picture of the Day

2009-01-20T09:03:00.001-08:00

A frozen Al Gore is 100 times better than a burning Al Gore don’t you think?

http://www.newsminer.com/news/2009/jan/19/al-gore-ice-sculpture-unveiled-fairbanks-invitatio/

Weekend Video

2009-01-16T11:53:00.001-08:00

I LOVE this video! Mostly because cell phones are my BIGGEST pet peeve! (Yes, even ahead of extreme environmentalists and owners who put clothing on their animals.) I have always been of the opinion that unless you are a Doctor waiting for a heart to come in via beer cooler so you can transplant it, cell phones should be there for when you need them, not every waking minute of the day!

So next time you see someone being annoying cell phone guy, hopefully there is an open hole in the ground and a squirrel ready to pounce on him and teach him a lesson. (Or girl, this is one of those things that aren’t limited to gender. In fact, the female may be even a worse offender.)

****UPDATE****

Just to be clear, I do believe cell phones are great to have. The only time they bug me is when people do not practice proper cell phone etiquette, like the bozo in the video. And that also goes for texting on cell phones too! (Actually, texting is worse, but the video is some goober making a call, not texting.)

I have a confession

2009-01-15T06:37:00.000-08:00

How many of you out there in blog land ever had a musician or music group that you secretly liked, and didn't want anyone to know about it? You know what I am talking about. From the punk rocker who would listen to NSYNC when his buddies aren't around, to the star athelete who would crank up Bach to get pumped up for a big game instead of Metalica, everyone likes some sort of music that doesn't fit into the category that they claim to be their type. I am not immune from this. I secretly listen to an artist who not only has a hit TV show, but has toured the country as two "different" people. Who is this artist that I speak of? (OK, here goes!)

None other than Miley Cyrus, a.k.a. Hannah Montana.

I have a feeling you might be asking yourself right now, "Is he being SERIOUS!?!" The answer is yes, I am. Maybe I am a Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus fan because I have two girls who adore her and watch her show whenever it is on. Or maybe it is from hearing Alexandra play Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus songs on her Disney Mix it MP3 player. Or maybe (just maybe) I like her because she has actual talent. Not just for singing, but for entertaining.

At first all she did was get on my nerves. I dismissed Hannah Montana as just another tween performer who didn't really have any talent. The show would come on Disney Channel and I would go do something else. The last thing I wanted to do was watch yet another kid show where all the adults act retarded. But then I sat down and watched an episode of the TV show with Alexandra and Lorelai.

To my surprise, the show was actually watchable. The cast is good and blends well together. There are parts of the show that make me laugh. And I would have never thought that Billy Ray Cyrus would have ever been anything other than the achy breaky heart guy. In fact, I watched a whole Hannah Montana show DVD with the girls that they received for Christmas. Yeah, I could have left the room at any time, but I was enjoying the show as much as they were.

Then there are her CD's. Her first Hannah Montana CD (2006) is ok, but is a little too teeny bopper for me. I haven't heard anything off of Hannah Montana 2 (2007) But I do know that she co-wrote 8 of the 10 songs on that CD. Her most recent release, Breakout, is nothing short of amazing. Once again, she co-wrote 8 of the album's 13 songs. How many 15 (now 16) year old kids write their own songs nowadays? I am thinking not very many.

There are few albums out there where almost every song is good, and Breakout is one of them. Cyrus's deep sultry voice rips through songs the way a singer much older and experienced would. The song "These Four Walls" is an instant classic. It is one of those songs that you can put on repeat and listen to over and over again. The same can be said about track 3, "The Driveway." Her version of the Cyndi Lauper classic "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" is a great remake, and the songs "See You Again" and "Breakout" are two that sound great cranked up in the car. About the only song that I didn't care for on the Breakout albume was the eco-wacko "Wake Up America." I may enjoy her music, but the last thing I want is for ANY artist to preach to me about global warming bullcrap.

There you have it. My secret is out. But then again, that is OK with me. It isn't like I really care about what people think anyway.

So if a day arrives where my girls come up and ask if their daddy can take them to a Miley Cyrus concert, even though I will have to pretend that it is the last thing I would want to do, inside I will be stoked that I get to hear a good singer, and not some teeny bopper hack job.

The Wonders of A.M. Radio

2009-01-08T08:06:00.001-08:00

As most of you are well aware, I listen to a lot of talk radio. This means that I am pretty knowledgeable about what plays on which stations. Here in the Tri-Cities, there are really only 4 A.M. stations that are worth your time. 610 KONA, 870 KFLD, 960 KALE, and 1340 KTCR are the only ones that have anything worth listening to. Well, and they are the only ones that don’t sound like a record that has been dragged through a rock quarry.

So with only 4 stations to keep me occupied, sometimes I like to have a little fun on my drive home from work. Maybe everybody knows this, but once night falls, the A.M. dial drastically changes. Stations known as ‘Clear Channels’ that during the day can only be heard in their respective local areas become A.M. powered blow torches at night. So right around the time it starts getting dark out, stations that are referred to as ‘Local’ or ‘Regional’ are required by law to power down. Of course this in turn makes it possible to tune into the clear channel stations that are hundreds of miles away. This my friends is where my fun begins. I will scour the A.M. dial looking for far away stations to listen to. Some I can get to come in for a minute or two, and they are lost to static. But there are three that I have found that I can tune in to every night.

The first station that I discovered was KSL 1160 out of Salt Lake City, which is a little more than 625 miles from good ol’ Kennewick. This station is mostly just news, weather, and traffic updates. What I enjoy most out of this station is the traffic updates. Now I have driven in Utah many times, and I am here to tell you, it isn’t the roads or the congestion on the roads you have to worry about. It is crazy SLC driver man/woman.

You have all seen this person before. They would pass you on a one lane road with no shoulder. They will be driving at 85 MPH in a 60 MPH zone, slam on their brakes to look at an accident that happened on the other side of the highway, and then speed back up again like it is totally normal to drop from 85 down to 35 and back up to 85 again. A lane change in SLC isn’t the usual one lane change like it is in the rest of the country. It is a “cut across 4 lanes and skim the water buckets in front of the exit so you can make it to the Jazz game on time to watch them get their butts handed to them by the L.A. Lakers again” lane change. I have driven in several metropolitan areas, and even though SLC might be the smallest of them, it by far has the most insane drivers. So that is why I tune into KSL from time to time. Nothing like hearing on the radio, “We have a 5 car pileup on MLC drive to watch out for. Apparently all 5 drivers were texting to one another about how they heard that Marylyn Manson is LDS.” Ahh, good ol’ Utah.

The next station that I check from time to time is KFBK 1530 out of Sacramento. KFBK is even further away from Kennewick, a whole 683 miles away. KFBK is a lot like KSL. It is a news/weather/traffic station. I actually don’t listen to this one very often, and the main reason is because nothing ever exciting happens on their traffic reports. I just may be because there aren’t enough Utah people living there.

The third station that I tune into is by far my favorite. It is a whopping 1065 miles away! I really have no idea how I even pick this up as clearly as I do. The station I am referring to is KFI 640 out of Los Angeles. While this station is like the ones listed above (news/weather/traffic) it has actual shows on the air. In the morning I can listen to Bill Handel, and for the drive home I can tune into The John and Ken Show, which is the most listened to local talk show in the nation. And of course more often than not, you get some great traffic updates. Updates like, “Naked man running down the Santa Monica Freeway waving a machete and decrying the fact that his Ralphs store ran out of toilet paper” or “Man throws mistress out of car when he finds out she is cheating on him.” And then there are the police chases. Of course these are always better watching them live on TV, but there is something that gets me going when I am driving home here in Washington State, and I can hear about a police chase in Riverside or West Covina.

So next time you are driving at night, scan your A.M. dial, and see what you can find. You might be surprised at what actually comes in.

El Donaldo is back in the blogosphere!

2009-01-05T05:19:00.000-08:00

23 long days, and no posts I have done. And while it felt pretty good to have a break from the blogging world, I feel it is now the time to reenter. Just a couple things are on my mind at the moment, so here goes.

#1. OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE NEW

2008 was a crazy year wasn't it? You had the financial and housing markets crashing (still), the Unites States electing a crazy Socialist to be our fearless leader, (Actually, I don't know if he has formed a committee yet to decide if he is going to be fearless or not.) Michael Phelps rewriting the history books in the world of Olympic competition, the birth of El Donaldo blogo, man made global warming further proved to be a hoax, American bad ass Charlton Heston dying in April, and many other events that made this year both a year to remember as well as a year to flush down the toilet and forget about.

I am looking forward to 2009 for many reasons. And while I do doubt Mr. Obama's skills, I pray that he can guide this country in a good direction. Using Clinton sloppy seconds for his staff isn't a good start, but hey, what can you do?

#2 (And only because it comes after the end of 2008.) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO A SPECIAL SOMEONE

I would like to take the time to wish a Happy 29th Birthday to my lovely wife Lisa. I can honestly say that I would be totally lost without her in my life, both mentally and spiritually. Most of you know about her and her amazing talents from reading her blog, but for those of you who don't, (HA! Who am I really kidding here??? I get 99 percent of my readers FROM her! The other 1 percent happen upon me by clicking the "next blog" button at the top of the page.) be sure to pay her a visit. I can pretty much guarantee you won't go away disappointed.

I love you Lisa, and wish you the best these days leading up to the big 3-0. Or as the SoCal barbie puts it....29 and holding...

#3 THE INDOCTRINATION OF MY CHILDREN IS ANNOYING!!!

Today before church Lorelai was playing a Curious George game on the PBS Kids! website. Now I have seen her play on there countless times, but this time I noticed that she was playing a different game than usual. It went like this: C.G. had some crap that he had to get rid of. He could either throw it in the recycling bin, the compost heap, or a Goodwill bag. I just want to know one thing. Are garbage cans considered evil outside of my house? I mean c'mon...I can't even throw away a sock with the heel worn out because Goodwill wants it??

Now I get it. Recycling is not a bad thing. I personally do not do it, but I am 100 percent fine for others to do it. Same with compost heaps. If you (or some hippie that you might be acquainted with.) want to place putrid waste in some pile in your backyard, be my guest. More power to ya. And while I am a firm believer in donating to Goodwill, (Three words: TAX WRITE-OFF) I don't want some computerized monkey force feeding ideas into my child's head.

You see, back in the late 60's early 70's many kid shows on the air such as this and this show where they were for entertainment value only. Of course Sesame Street revolutionized children shows by integrating lessons into the show. But nowadays, these kid shows are not interested in teaching my girls their ABC's and 123's. Instead they want to brain wash them into thinking that if you do not do things such a recycling and composting and trying to "save the planet" that you are somehow not a good person.

And that is the reason why I steer my girlies to the Boomerang network. I would rather have them enjoying classic shows such as (but not limited to) The Jetsons, The Flintstones, Yogi Bear, Huckleberry Hound, Top Cat, Pink Panther, Smurfs, Tom and Jerry, and even though I personally do not care for it, (But Lex and Lor love it!) Scooby Doo. All classic shows that every child should know like the back of their hand. And no preaching about how CFL light bulbs are soo much better than incandescent bulbs. Although we all know those bulbs suck. Who wants that crappy light in their house anyways?

There you go. My first post of 2009. It feels good to be back. I can't wait to get back in the blogging groove again. With that being said, watch a new blog coming your way. It is a joint effort between me and this guy. What are we going to write about you ask? Well, lets just say that once we have it up and running, you will see no more political posts here on El Donaldo.

Once S and M gets started, we will be eating liberals and crapping out hippies. It should be a lot of fun!!

Weekend Video

2008-12-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

This must be the funnest way to get home from work ever!

Christmas lights and Twisted Sister

2008-12-10T12:55:00.000-08:00

Lisa had a post up last week showing a picture of our house all decorated for Christmas, but those of you who might not also read her blog, (That number has to be very small, since most of my traffic comes from when she takes pity on my blog and links it up with hers.) I present to you the Sorenson house for Christmas 2008, starting on the porch and working its way out.

Next to the door we have none other than Mickey Mouse greeting visitors.

Since we like to go with a candy theme, there are candy canes lining the walkway to the front door.

Continuing with the candy theme, we have lollipops that we made out of Styrofoam, wooden dowels and colored plastic stuff.

This year I decided to use lights on the trees instead of the spotlights I had used in years' past. Normally I am NOT a white light fan for outdoor decorating, but it makes the trees look nice.

When we first moved into our house 3 years ago, we had the idea to put a classic waving Santa in this window. Now the other houses of this design in our neighborhood throw something up there too. But like in writing a comment in the blogging world, we claim FIRST!

Another shot of the front of the house so you can get a better look at Mr. Claus. (Yes Heidi, I know his feet don't show. It is supposed to be like he is starting down a chimney bringing Christmas goodness to the little boys and girls of the house.)

And lastly a shot of everything. Since I snapped this pic I finished wrapping the other garage door as a present, and put bows on both of them. If I get around to it I will post the new pic I have, but even without it you can get the idea. I also have the blue banner there on the left that says 'Merry Christmas' on it.

OK, now that I have the house pictures up, I need to explain the music playing on my blog. Last year I found out that Twisted Sister had decided to make a Christmas CD for their final release ever, and to celebrate 30 years as a band. Yes, the same guys that brought you classic Glam Rock hits such as "We're Not Going To Take It" and "I Want To Rock." The word I heard is that they wanted to put something out that would finish off Twisted Sister once and for all. (Which is funny to me...I figured they had been finished since 1988.)

Twisted Sister even returned to their "classic" lineup featuring lead vocalist Dee Snider, guitarists Jay Jay French and Eddie Ojeda, bassist Mark Mendoza and drummer A.J. Pero for this final album.

Now this is a Christmas CD that has been classified as "NFL" which in the Sorenson household stands for "Not For Lisa." Therefore I am relegated to rocking out to it in my car on the drive to and from work, and while at work. And since at work I sit across from my old man, I keep the volume down pretty low when I play it. I get the feeling he likes it about as much as Lisa does.

Of course, this CD wouldn't be complete if there wasn't a totally twisted video to go with it. Since I quit watching MTV a looong time ago (Not that they show videos anyway!) I have only been able to enjoy this via youtube. But instead of making you search for it yourself, I have include it right here.

Twisted? Yes. Tasteful? Not so much. But a fun rocking Christmas song? Oh yeah!

El Donaldo's Christmas gift buying guide for the cash strapped

2008-12-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

Are you not getting your annual Christmas bonus this year due to cutbacks your company made? (Unless you are upper management that is...you will no doubt still get yours. So if that is the case, click on the 'next blog' link above. This post is not for you.)

Have you and your family decided that the amount spent on presents is going to be considerably lower this year?

Are you currently out of work, but still want to give your kids the best Christmas ever?

Well my friends, if you meet any or all of the criteria above, I have some good news! Just because you don't want to dish out your hard earned dough for the gifts that your children put on their wish list, there are a few things that even though your kids didn't list them, they will end up enjoying a whole lot more!

So without further ado, El Donaldo's Blogo brings you his

2008 CHRISTMAS GIFT BUYING GUIDE FOR THE CASH STRAPPED!

First on our list of gifts that cost next to nothing has been a kid favorite since its inception in the year 1874. What has been holding children's fancy for over 134 years??

The Cardboard Box

To an adult, a cardboard box might only be something that you use to mail things in, or yet another thing you have to try to dispose of when you buy a new appliance. But to a child, it is like a case of ice cream sandwiches that has fallen off the ice cream truck in the middle of July.

The possibilities are endless when it comes to things that you can make out of a cardboard box. Just a few options are:

Mini Pool Table

Once just reserved for Taverns and your Great Uncle's garage, you can now have your very own pool table! Great for children of many ages.

Rocket Ship

What kid would not want his very own rocket ship? Now really, if given the choice between a Polly Pocket or Transformer or cardboard rocket ship, show me the child who wouldn't pick option #3.

Racing Car

One of the premiere uses for a cardboard box is to make a car. As you can see above, it is easily decorated with that electrical cord that doesn't word anymore, and a leftover paper plate that wasn't used at Thanksgiving time.

What is that you say? Your child can't think up fun ideas on their own because the Nintendo has replaced the part of their brain that thinks creative thoughts? And how a cardboard box won't cut it for them because they won't know what to do with it? In that case, there is yet another thing you can do with a cardboard box!

Put it over your head

Not only will your child be able to walk out in that bright bright sunshine that he has grown accustomed to hiding from indoors, but his friends won't be able to see that he is actually outside playing instead of being a shut in.

Next on our list of cheap presents is something that you don't even have to go to the store for. You can find all of the materials in your own back yard.

Mud Pies

By the time that cardboard box starts to wear out it should be around mid May. Which is where the mud pie fits in perfectly. The weather is warmer, and if your children are anything like mine, they are itching to get outside and play. (Unless your kid is Nintendo boy. His box should still be in tip top condition.)

Whether you have infants

Or older children

Mud pies are a timeless classic. The best part is you already have the materials at home!

Coming in as the third item on our list this year is yet another item that you can get from your property. Unless that is you don't have a tree, then you might need to break a few off your neighbor's tree.

Sticks

A stick is just about as handy as a cardboard box. You can play swords with a good stick. You can mix up your mud pie with a stick. You can cook hot dogs over a campfire with a stick. You can even use a stick to poke at a hornet's nest with. While sticks probably wouldn't be good gifts for infants, I would say any child over 3 would love to see a bundle of sticks under the Christmas tree.

The best gift on our list has been saved for last. Now keep in mind that out of all the gifts listed, this one will cost the most money. But mark my words, more things can be done with this gift than any of the other ones listed above. Heck, even Nintendo boy can use it to prop up his game system so it doesn't over heat.

Duct Tape

This is the mother of all gifts! Do you realize all that can be done with duct tape??? Not only that, but this also would suffice as a gift for your husband. Go ahead, give him 2-3 rolls of duct tape instead of a new tie. You will be all he talks about to his friends for weeks on end. Even teens love duct tape! In case you can't see the picture I am painting, here are some uses for duct tape.

Makes a fine babysitter

Car needs new paint? Not if you have some duct tape!

Works great as a girdle...

...As well as a wallet...

...Or even a Formal Dress!!

If the above photos do not convince you that duct tape is a prime gift this holiday season, then maybe this one will. Duct tape can also be used to hide unsightly images out in public!

So there you have it. Several ideas for those of you looking to cut back this year. I hope you all enjoyed my gift buying guide this year. From all of us here at El Donaldo Blogo, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

My most memorable day after Thanksgiving memory

2008-12-01T11:52:00.000-08:00

I was going to post this last Friday, but since most of you would either be:

A. Waking up at the crack of dawn to buy the new Elmo doll that your child will not be interested in by March.

B. Waking up to a ginormous mess in your house from the night before when all of your relatives’ enjoyed your cooking, but when it came time to clean up, they all had tummy aches.

-OR-

C. So sore from the turkey bowl football game that you played with your church. You know the one where you took the opening kickoff almost all the way to the house before feeling your butt muscle pull? The one where 10 minutes later you pulled your groin on the other side of your body, but were still able to have 4 catches and 2 touchdowns for the game?

I decided to wait until today to post it. Because whether you were shopping, cleaning, or nursing a sore butt muscle, the last thing on your mind would be to check your favorite blogs.

With all that being said, I now must warn you about today’s post. This is a day after Thanksgiving memory post, and it might be a little gross to some of you. So if you aren’t in the mood to read about what transpired the day after Thanksgiving 1989 to yours truly, go ahead and stop reading right now, and go admire the talking Elmo you cold cocked another person for 3 days ago.

Like I said, the year was 1989. I was 12 years old, and it was 4 days before Thanksgiving. I had been feeling very sick for a few days and had even thrown up once or twice. Since we were going to be leaving to go over to Bellevue to my Grandparents house in 2 days, my mom decided that it would be a good idea to take me to the Doctor. After all, the last thing you want to do as a parent is travel across the mountains with a boy who is hurling out the window as you drive.

After waiting the obligatory 45 minutes in the waiting room, we were called back by the nurse. Of course we all know that is followed up by another 20 minute wait in the exam room, but since this post isn’t about the headache that is going to the Doctor; I will stop harping on the subject. Dr. Beck entered into the room and did the usual checks on me. Eyes…check. Nose…check. Ears…check. Slamming the triangular rock into my knee…check. After a few words with my mom, Dr. Beck turns to me and informs me that I have some little bug, which will be gone by Thanksgiving and I will be able to eat all of the turkey and pie that I could stomach.

I was stoked to hear the news. I loved going over to my Grandma’s house for Thanksgiving. From the flattened out butter on the small light blue colored plate, to the bowl of ice cream that I would eat at night while my family watched the 10 o’clock news, the food just tasted better there.

As usual, we had a ton of people there for our Thanksgiving feast. We would line up another table with their dining room table so there could be room for the 20+ guests who were in attendance. My uncles Mike and/or Brian would have a whoopee cushion at the ready for when Grandma would get up to grab something out of the kitchen. You see us Brinkerhoff’s/Sorenson’s don’t believe in a quiet civilized Thanksgiving meal. I mean, where would the fun be in that??

That night I ate and ate, and when I didn’t think I could fit anything else in, I ate some more. I had been over my bug for about 48 hours, and felt fine. However, that “little bug” I had had one more kick left in it.

When I went to bed I felt totally fine. No upset stomach. No feeling like a fever was coming on. After a good night sleep in the room that was referred to as “The Black Hole”, I went downstairs to get some breakfast. When I walked into the kitchen, my grandma was sitting at the table eating her oatmeal. Across the room the TV was on KSTW 11. And it was right then and there that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to barf, and it was coming out no matter what I tried to do.

My mind was racing very fast with the thoughts on the best way to lose all that I had gorged myself on the night before. Running to the bathroom was out of the question, I would never have made it. I didn’t want to go towards the family room, because then the spew would have been all over the carpet. So I decided that the best thing to do would be to put my hand over my mouth and try to block whatever remnants of pumpkin pie and mashed potatoes were going to come up.

Looking back on the whole situation, putting my hand over my mouth wasn’t a very good idea. Why you ask? Before I answer that, you need to be familiar with the scene in the movie “Stand by Me” when Davie Hogan, a.k.a. Lardass Hogan starts to hurl after drinking a bottle of castor oil and swallowing a raw egg before he participates in the County Fair pie eating contest. Because that is how my upchuck chucked. It was a powerful stream of puke, and I had tried to block it with my hand.

So what happens when something that would later be referred to as “The Thanksgiving Power Barf of 1989” goes down? Well, for starters, remember that I was standing next to my poor Grandmother. The mess pouring from my pie hole squirted out of the sides of my mouth and into her shoes, all over the table where her bowl of oatmeal sat, and all over her. It goes without saying that she wasn’t too thrilled to be covered with the meal that she so tirelessly slaved over the night before. Especially since said meal smelled waaay different than it did 12 hours prior.

Right at the moment the power barf hit, my uncle Mike was coming out of the laundry room that was hooked onto the Dining Room. He saw the whole thing. Of course since he was not involved with what had just transpired, it was the funniest thing in the whole world to him.

After much yelling and screaming from my Grandma, the mess was cleaned up. (I can’t imagine why she was sooo upset. Kids throw up all the time.) But the memory of my power barf would live on forever. I look back on it fondly, as does Mike. My Grandma though? Probably not so much.

Oh yes, and one thing I did forget to mention. While I still believe that I wouldn’t have made it to the Bathroom that I had in mind, I would have made it to the one that was right off of the Laundry room.

So there you have it, my most memorable day after Thanksgiving moment.

Are there any after Thanksgiving moments you hold dear?

The tale of the two Target bathrooms

2008-11-26T05:58:00.000-08:00

Last week when I was reading this post, I was about to comment on a similar situation that I had many years ago, but decided that it was good post material. Of course I then forgot that I was going to write it. But when I went back to Mike's blog again today, it refreshed my memory, so here goes.

One day many years ago, before Lisa and I had any children, we went to Target to do some shopping. I really had to go to the bathroom, and kind of hurried into the store so I could relieve myself. Now I had only used the Kennewick Target's bathroom only one time before, and in my mind it was the first door you can to.

Without looking up at the sign (Like I said, I knew which one was the men's room!) I entered into the bathroom. Upon entering the bathroom, I found it a little odd that there were no urinals in the men's room at this Target. In fact, I had never seen a bathroom where there were so many loos lined up in a row. But since I really had to go, I pick a stall somewhere in the middle, and went about doing my business.

I had been in there less than 30 seconds, when all of a sudden I heard Lisa walk in and call out for me. I couldn't believe it!! How dare she come into the men's room?? The nerve of her! I yelled at her to get out, and that if someone saw her in the men's room she was going to get into trouble.

Up to this point I was still convinced that I was in the men's room. The thought had not crossed my mind that this could possibly be a women's bathroom. But right as I went to flush, I heard Lisa speak these chilling words: "YOU ARE IN THE WOMEN'S ROOM, NOT THE MEN'S ROOM!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING????"

I jumped out at the stall ready to tell Lisa off, and that she was wrong. But by now I had serious doubts in my mind that I was actually in the right place. It wasn't until I looked over on the wall and saw the tampon dispenser that I had known for sure I had made a horrible mistake.

Luckily, I was able to make it out before any other ladies came in. And I seem to remember seeing all the stall doors (except mine) open, so no one other than Lisa had to ever know that I was in there. And when I finally made it back into the hallway, I looked at the door. Sure enough, there was Mrs. Bathroom on the door adorned in her black dress with stick arms and legs sticking out.

No El Donaldo, this is NOT the Men's room!

It was many months, perhaps years, before I was able to enter into Target again without Lisa asking me if I had to go to the bathroom. Of course when she reads this, the taunting just might start back up again.

Going through The Amazing Race, one misstep at a time.

2008-11-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

One of our favorite shows to watch is The Amazing Race on CBS. Lisa started watching around Season 3, and I was hooked during Season 4. Over the years I have seen some teams that were very smart, athletic, but don’t catch any of the lucky breaks you need to win the race. And then there have been teams that would make Al Gore look like a genius and lose to a one legged man in a butt kicking contest. But for some reason have all the luck in the world, no matter how they Forrest Gump their way through things. For some strange reason, the latter team mentioned always seems to go far in the race. Do they win? Not a chance. Do they knock out teams that are far superior in athletic ability and brains? Yes they do. Which goes to show how much of the game is luck more than anything.

This year the team that falls under the latter category mentioned is a team of frat brothers from Arizona State. Officially they are Dan and Andrew, but they are known affectionately by the other race contestants as 'Dandrew.'

I prefer to call them by a different name. To me, instead of the frat boys, they are the fat boys. What is the reasoning behind this you may ask? It is because this team of nitwits has waddled their way through the entire race. It looks as if they are putting no effort into it at all. In fact, in one of the more recent episodes, Andrew (I think he is the one in the blue shirt.) was actually trying to run up a hill so they could get to their next clue. So what does the bumbling Dan do? He gets mad at his racing partner, telling him that he is going too fast, and he should be walking back with him because they are a team. What? Are you kidding me? You are racing for ONE MILLION DOLLARS!! Frickin Dr. Evil was willing to set off a nuclear weapon for that amount. But I guess to these brain stems it isn't all that big of a deal to win the money.

If you don't watch the show, all you need to see of these two fools is in the clip below. The assignment was to march across a field with some Russian Soldiers. Every other team had no problem doing the march. Just see what happens when Arizona State's finest take on the challenge.

Since the beginning of the season, I have been trying to figure out who these two Mensa's reminded me of. And then it came to me. I have seen these guys before. They were in a movie together! Hmm...lets see...one went by the name Arnold Poindexter, and the other was named Gilbert Lowell. Oh yes, that's it! They were in The Revenge of the Nerds!!

This all makes perfect sense. Dandrew were apart of a frat house at Arizona State. Poindexter and Gilbert were members of the Lambda Lambda Lambda, or Tri-Lambds, and in the movie, they were in Arizona. Dandrew believes that they are cool because they were in a frat house. Of course it might have been a frat house of misfits, but who is going to know?

So, mystery has been solved. I know fully understand the dynamic duo that is Dandrew. Now that I have outed their true identities, maybe their luck will run dry. That, or they will forget their shoes someplace again, and have to run in their socks...again.

Toilet Bowl..err Apple Cup time!!!

2008-11-22T10:52:00.000-08:00

I would like to wish the Washington State Cougars good luck today. It has been a long suffering season to this point. Hopefully they can pull a win out today. It is a good thing that the Washington Huskies are a crappy team too. Maybe, just maybe, it will make for a good game.

GO COUGS!!!!!!!!

There is no such thing as a free lunch..but what about a free soda?

2008-11-21T08:41:00.000-08:00

I was just reading this ladies blog, and I am glad that I did. Because if I hadn't read it, I would not have known about Dr. Pepper giving away free 20 oz sodas starting this Sunday. Read all about it here!

Democrat, Republican, or Redneck?

2008-11-20T10:05:00.000-08:00

OK, once again, I can't take credit for this. I received it via email, (several times in fact) but since I haven't gotten around to working on my next post, I figured this would be a fun test to post until I have the time to do something of my own.

The question is: Are you a Democrat, Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is the scenario:

You are walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Answers are found below.

A. Democrat answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

B. Republican answer:

BANG!

C. Redneck Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

(Sound of gun reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! Click.

Daughter: Nice grouping Daddy! Were those Winchester Silver tips, or Hydrashocks?

Son: NO FAIR! Can I shoot the next one???

Wife: Ain't no way you are taking THAT to the Taxidermist!

This concludes testing for the day. Please turn in your comments, so I can grade how well you did. Thank you for participating.

Can't Hardly Wait For This One!

2008-11-18T09:03:00.000-08:00

So last night I went and saw the new Bond flick. It was good and all, but the most exciting part of the night was the trailer I saw before the movie. I was so stoked. For your viewing enjoyment, (and for those who have not seen the new Bond flick) I bring you the trailer for the new Star Trek movie. In the words of Napoleon Dynamite..."Flippin' Sweet!"

A Holy War of Sorts

2008-11-14T05:12:00.000-08:00

When the Catholics and Presbyterians battle, anything goes!

He needs your input!!!

2008-11-13T10:17:00.000-08:00

So a couple days ago this blogging friend had a rather grumpy comment from someone who identified themselves as "Anonymous." Of course in the blogging world everyone knows that anonymous is code for chicken S***, when they have something to say, but don't have the sack to let the person know it is coming from them. So far I haven't personally had to deal with this.

With that being said, my cousin Mitch just posted the profile of Mr/Mrs. Anonymous blogger over on his blog. I encourage you real bloggers to go over there and add what you think are the traits of the pond scum of this blogging world.

Check it out

2008-11-13T09:43:00.000-08:00

I have a friend out at work who also is a dog breeder. He breeds West Highland White Terriers, or Westies for short, as well as Norwich Terriers. You can check out his blog here. So if you are looking for a high quality pet, hit him up. He is based in Pasco, Wa.

Are you ready for some (crappy) football!?!

2008-11-12T06:21:00.000-08:00

Every year when the beginning of September rolls around, I get very excited. The summer is just about over with, and football season is starting up. I love football. I always wish that I would have played when I was in school. If only they didn’t make kids give up the last 3 weeks of summer vacation, I would have been there.

With three teams on three different levels that I like to root for, there is usually a good chance that one of the three teams will have a good year, and I can enjoy watching them play. Sometimes if I am lucky maybe two of the teams will be good. But after a year like this, I would be happy if one of my teams would just finish the season with a .500 record. Although at this point, there is only one team that can pull that off, and from what I listened to on the radio yesterday, their chances of a non-losing season are not very good.

I will start with the lowest level of play, and work my way up. With that being said, the first team that I root for are from the high school that I went to here in Kennewick, the Kennewick High Lions.

I didn’t know what to expect from this years’ Kennewick football team. Last year they went 9-3, losing to the eventual state champions in the quarterfinals of the state football playoffs. It was the first time since 1993 that they had posted a record that good. And they lost a lot of talent to graduation. But after watching some of the underclassmen play last year, I thought that maybe it wouldn’t be too bad this year. I was hoping for maybe a 6-4 record. Heck, even a 5-5 record wouldn’t be too bad after what they had done the year before. I guess that was just wishful thinking on my part.

Long story short, they finished the season 2-8. And due to scheduling conflicts, I was only able to make it to 3 games this year, which were all losses. But I do have hope for next year for the mighty Lions. They have a lot of talent that is coming back, and they should be good.

The next team I cheer for is in the college ranks. But through the first 10 games of the season, I think they should have penciled Kennewick into their schedule so they could have a chance at winning another game. The team I am talking about is the Washington State Cougars.

Now everyone knows that WSU has never been a football powerhouse. They have had some fine seasons, but have only strung together winning seasons a few times in their long football history. Mix in the fact that not many blue chip football players want to move to a small town in the middle of crop circles and cow pies, and you can understand why. But this year is one of the worst I have ever seen.

There are many factors that contribute to the crappy football that is played out on their field. I do not have the space to list them all, so here are a few highlights.

~Bill Doba. Mr. Doba was the coach of WSU from 2003-2007. He had to take over when Mike Price was hired away by Alabama. Of course everyone knows that ol’ Mikey then blew that job by taking an interest in partying (and taking back to the hotel) with strippers.

Mr. Doba was not a good recruiter. I am not saying that he didn’t sign some talented recruits. But when a kid has more arrest warrants than touchdowns in his H.S. or Jr. College career, he usually isn’t a safe bet. But that didn’t stop Doba from rolling the dice. Too bad for the program, they came up craps. Over and over again.

~Since the new coach, Paul Wulf, who was hired late in the offseason was busy cleaning up the junk that Doba had left behind, he didn’t have enough time to recruit. When you don’t have enough time to recruit, you end with guys who should be coming off the bench in a flag football game instead of starting at a D-1 school.

~Injuries. Not that they would be a BCS quality program this year, but when you lose 3 QB’s to injuries, with one of them being a career injury setback to a kid who waited at the school 4 years to start, it can’t be a good thing. Mix in players being sent to prison or kicked off the team, and it makes for a very thin roster.
So far the Cougs have racked up a 1-9 record. And with 2 more league games to go, they have already given up more points (502, while only scoring 139 themselves.) than any Pac-10 program ever has. In fact, the big story on cougzone.com was about how they “erupted” for 28 points against Arizona on Saturday. Sounds good until you read further down the story that they also gave up 59 points in the same game. But hey, considering the last 3 games before that they lost 0-58 against Stanford, 0-69 against USC, and 13-66 to Oregon St., scoring 28 points in a single contest is a big deal.

I would have never thought that I would be looking forward to the WSU basketball season. And one bright spot, the Washington Huskies haven’t even won a game yet this year. I do take some comfort in that, and with any luck, they will keep it up.

OK, after profiling two of my football teams, the combined record of both of them comes out to 3-17. I wish that my favorite pro team could help that record out a little, but the sickness of sucking at football seems to have spread all across Washington State this year. That’s right folks; my favorite NFL team is the Seattle Seahawks.

Unlike the Lions and the Cougars, who are also flailing this year, the Seahawks don’t have the excuses that the other two teams have. Sure at the beginning of the year they had all of their receivers go down with injuries, and now Matt Hasselbeck is out with an injury, but the main difference here is that they are a professional team. They get paid to play this game.
Up to this point it has been an ugly season. They sit at 2-7 right now, with no bright spots in the schedule. Well, they do get to play the St. Louis Rams again, but other than that I don’t know of a game where they will be favored to win.

The Hawks can’t seem to do the following things: (get ready for a long list)
~Tackle
~Catch
~Throw
~Run
~Score

Now for those of you not familiar with the game of football, if you are not able to do those things at least partially well, the chances of you winning games on a consistent basis is slim to none. Take for example the game that they lost to the Dolphins this past Sunday. They had dropped passes in the end zone. They couldn’t tackle. And when you drop passes in the end zone, you CAN’T SCORE!!! If this is the way the Seahawks thought that their coach would want to go out, they have been listening to Obama supporters for too long.

So as you can see, it has not been the football season that I envisioned back when the days were still long and warm. My 3 teams are a combined 5-24. I can only hope that next year things will get better. But until then, I will continue watching the Seahawks get shot out of the sky, and hope that the Cougars will at least beat the Huskies in the Apple Cup. Because like I said, one thing that would salvage this year would be if the Huskies complete the perfect defeated season.

A day to remember America's heroes

2008-11-11T09:25:00.000-08:00

November 11th. Veterans Day. A day to remember the real American heroes. Brave men and women who fought bravely for our country. All gave some, some gave all. And today I want to give a big thank you to every single one of them.

Known as Veterans Day in the Unites States, and as Remembrance Day (Or Armistice Day) throughout Europe and the rest of the world, this day was to honor the signing of the Armistice on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of 1918.

Originally only meant for WW1 veterans, in 1953 a shoe store owner named Al King petitioned to have the day recognize every veteran of every American fought war. After being pushed through Congress, President Eisenhower signed it into law May 26, 1954. Later that year in November the holiday's official name was changed from Armistice Day to Veterans Day. I just found this out today, but the official grammatically correct way to spell it is not Veteran's or Veterans', but Veterans. So today I would like to thank every person who has fought for this country. Thank you for standing up for my rights as an American citizen. Thank you for defending freedom, even when the decision to defend it isn't a popular one. Without the brave men and women of our Armed Forces, we would not be where we are today."I want you always to remember that the heroes of Iwo Jima are the guys who did not come back. DID NOT come back."

~ John Bradley, Navy medic who fought on Iwo Jima and helped raise the flag, to his son James after James' third grade teacher told him that his Dad was a hero.

“I do not believe that the men who served in uniform in Vietnam have been given the credit they deserve. It was a difficult war against an unorthodox enemy.”

~ General William C. Westmoreland

“From the War for Independence to today in Iraq and Afghanistan, I am inspired by the courage, professionalism and patriotism of our men and women in uniform.”

Congressmen Tim Ryan - Ohio

HAPPY VETERANS DAY, AND THANK YOU VETERANS!!!

Happiness is...

2008-11-07T08:35:00.000-08:00

~Filling up my gas tank this morning for $32.82, when a couple months ago it would cost about $55.39.

~Watching Lorelai be the most loving big sister to Elisabeth. Those two have a special bond.

~The upcoming weekend.

~That Lisa's music teacher, who has like 3 PhD's and is a world class musician, agrees with everything I had been saying about the election.

~Getting to go home a little early today so I can go with Lisa to pick up Alexandra from school.

~Working on my new favorite project, my 1971 Chevy Nova.

~Spending time with my wife Lisa after we put the girls to bed. It is our time to unwind.

~ The $4.50 BBQ Burrito from Chico's Tacos. (Hey, that sounds good tonight Lisa, lets go there for supper!)

~Knowing that no matter what happens, I will always have the love and support of my wife and children. In their eyes I am #1. And I feel the same way about them.

This might sound like a girlie man post, but every once in awhile you need to look at the bright side of life. Too many times we don't.

Have a good weekend everyone. After this week, you all deserve it.

Five More Things...A Tag Long Overdue

2008-11-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

So my Mom tagged me several days ago, and has been on my case night and day since then for me to do it. So here goes.

5 Things I Was Doing 10 Years Ago

1. Excited to be 21, and old enough to sing Karaoke with my best friend Brad in Bars instead of just at the Pizza Barn.

2. Going to as many rock concerts as I could. My favorites that year were Aerosmith with Spacehog opening for them, and watching Everclear, Marcy's Playground, and some other band that escapes my memory right now on top of Silver Mountain in Idaho. Nothing like a concert on top of a mountain!

3. I started to go back to Church. For a little over 2 1/2 years, waxing my car and playing basketball on Sundays was more appealing than dressing up and sitting in a pew. Best decision I ever made. I might have never met Lisa if I would have stayed away any longer. It was amazing to me to find out that I missed having the church in my life so much.

4. I would wash my car every 3 days, and wax it once a week. I had the cleanest car in the Tri Cities hands down. Whenever the kids in the neighborhood didn't see me washing my car, they would think that I had fallen ill.

5. Meeting and dating as many girls as I could. I never really dated much in high school, and had a lot of catching up to do. Looking back, I would have to say I definitely made up for lost time.

5 Things on my to do list today

1. I WAS planning on working OT tonight before my old man decided that he wanted to work it.

2. Now I will go home, watch the girls while Lisa goes off to Orchestra.

3. Watch The Office and 30 Rock with our good friends Ian and Lora.

4. Tear down and throw away any political sign that hasn't already been properly disposed of.

5. Do some work on the 1971 Nova sitting in my garage that is soaked with awesomeness. Last night it was new door moulding. Maybe some engine cleaning tonight. Or keep the house clean for Lisa. I would rather be doing to former, but I have a feeling I will be stuck with the latter instead.

5 Things I would do if I were a Millionaire

1. Pay off our house, our van, and the credit cards we owe money on. Oh ya, and open up Golden Spoon Frozen Yogurt shops all over Eastern Washington. (Sorry wet siders. Once you stop getting Christine Gregroire elected, you can share in the Golden Spoon goodness.)

2. If my Grandma was going to live any longer, set her up in the nicest place that money could buy.

3. Take my family on a nice trip.

4. Pay it forward to the 20 people lined up behind me in Wal Mart at 10:20 on a Saturday night.

5. Since my Mom is already a Millionaire (She did tag me for this after all, so she already has her money.) find a nice family whose head of the household is in need of a good high paying job, and train them to take over one of my many Eastern Washington Golden Spoons. Once they are trained, I will give it to them, and they will be able to prosper.

5 Places I have lived

1. In Kennewick on Grande Ronde Road when I was a wee little baby.

2. An apartment in Richland off of Aaron Drive. (Still very young, and my parents had not yet realized that Kennewick rules and Richland drools.)

3. 226 E 8th Ave Kennewick, Wa 99336 (The house that I cried and cried when my parents sold it. when I was 8 years old.)

4. 3 W. 3rd Ave, Kennewick. The first abode of Lisa and I. It was less than 400 sq feet, had no foundation, a plastic stand up shower, a kitchen floor that no matter how many times you would mop it it would still be dirty, and drafty windows that would let ginormous spiders in that we would have to check for in our bed sheets when we went to bed every night. Don't believe me? Ask my wife. She has never told a lie in her life. On the bright side it was only $200 a month plus utilities.

5. 5716 W 14th Ave. Still in Kennewick. My current residence. I don't plan on leaving this one for quite some time.

5 Jobs I have had

1. Paperboy.

2. Burger King.

3. Mall Employee. I worked at Eddie Bauer, The Gap, The Sunglass Hut, and Columbia Center Mall information booth.

4. B and B Printing.

5. Chemical Technologist, Hanford Nuclear Reservation.

5 People I tag

1. Lori

2. Nicole

3. Ian

4. Janice

5. Libbie

Rules: Each player answers the question themselves. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blog and leaves them a comment letting them know that they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

Let the fun begin. And now my mother can get off my back.

Is this the "change" Obama supporters are hoping for?

2008-11-06T08:07:00.000-08:00

Man, I was going to do a tag that my mom sent my way a couple days ago, but then I saw this. Like I said yesterday, I support our new President. I will pray for him that he will make wise decisions, and that he will build up our country. But then I see something like this, and the fears that I have of him bringing a Marxist/Socialist state grow inside of me. Watch the following video to see what I mean.

Now let me get a few things straight before any of my liberal readers cry foul that I am not doing what I said I was going to do yesterday in my post, which is respect our new President. I realize that this was NOT a sponsored Barrack Obama rally. There are NO Obama officials there. It is just a bunch of sauced college kids celebrating the fact that their nominee won the election, and the current President that they have been taught by their college professors to hate is on his way out. (Just for the record, I might not have a red hot hate for Bush, but I definately have not approved of his ways over the past 2-3 years. He is not the conservative that I thought he was. Not by a long shot.)

But does anyone else find it odd that Obama supporters would whip out the Soviet flag if they themselves do not also think that Obama will try to take us in that direction? Of course this is all just speculation, but it makes me think that there are a lot of his supporters that are hoping that this is the "change" that he talks about. Once again, I hope that I am dead wrong.

OK, that was my last political post for a long while. I promise. Next up later today: The tag from my mom. It should be an interesting one!

Black Wednesday...Or is it?

2008-11-05T08:52:00.000-08:00

I had a post written out about how this country just swerved off the road of Democracy (Well, actually we are a Republic, but I won't get into that right now) and onto the road of Socialism and Marxism. And while I do believe that, I decided to look on the bright spots of what transpired last night. (I will leave the funeral march song playing though. I have to mourn a little bit.)

First off, the conservatives of this country did not lose the election last night. John McCain lost, not us. McCain was by no means a conservative Republican. He is more comfortable attacking his own party instead of the Democrat party. The only time during this campaign you would see his poll numbers rise would be when he was standing up for conservative values. As soon as he would go back to attacking conservative values, or supporting socialist values (The most glaring example is the bailout.) his numbers would go down. If there had been a true conservative candidate (Romney, Huckabee, Jindal) this election very well could have gone the other way.
If you look closely at the election numbers, they aren't that impressive for Obama. In 2004, G.W. Bush received 62,040,610 votes, which at that time were the most votes ever received by a Presidential candidate. How many votes did Obama, the "savior" of our country get last night? 62,979,092 votes. (Up to this morning that is.) With all the hoopla surrounding Obama and this election in general, you would think that a huge majority of this country wanted him. But it wasn't the case. In fact, there were almost 3 million more votes cast in 2004.
I believe that many conservatives stayed home this election, believing that they did not have a candidate that they supported. I also believe that from what will transpire in this country over the next 4 years will motivate people towards the conservative side of things again. We still live in a center-right country. If you don't believe me, just look at what happened with Proposition 8 in California.
The Republicans had a lot of strikes against them this election year. You had Bush. You had the war on terror. And you had the economy going in the tank. And while the economy was NOT the fault of the Bush administration, the Democrats were able to paint the picture that they were. With all of those strikes, you would have thought that Obama would have won by more than he did. If the Republican party can regroup and start standing up for conservative principals again, instead of getting into the kind of game liberals like to play, they should do OK.
Because of Jimmy Carter, we were able to be blessed with Ronald Reagan. My hope is that having Obama for 4 years will have the same effect.
Going off of what I mentioned in the bullet above, the Republicans need to get back to Reagan style politics. McCain might have been a Reagan foot soldier back in the 80's, but he had long since gone AWOL from conservative Reagan values.
The democrats won because they were united as a party. The Republicans were nowhere near united, mainly for the reasons I stated above.
Lucky for us, it looks like there will not be a filibuster proof 60 votes in the Senate for the Democrats. Hopefully that will be able to keep this country out of some of the trouble we face.

So those are my thoughts about last night. Am I disappointed? You bet I am. Am I going to bitch and moan about Obama the way every democrat I know has bitched about Bush for the last 8 years? No I will not. I choose to be a bigger person than the liberals who have called for the death of Bush, and accused him of killing innocent people.(The WSJ hit the nail on the head about the subject of Bush bashing with this article.)

I will respect Barrack Obama as the new President of the United States of America. I might not have voted for him, but he is my President none the less. And when I do not agree with him, I will use my right as an American citizen (while I still have that right) to voice my opinion in a civil and respectable way. After all, we are still the best nation in the world today. And while we might have made a huge swing to the left last night, if you and I, and others like us stand up for what we believe in, we can make a difference.

With all that being said, I am so HAPPY that election talk is over for now. I can get back to the fun things about blogging. Thanks for reading El Donaldo. I really appreciate it.

Time to get out and vote..finally.

2008-11-04T12:21:00.000-08:00

The day is finally here. After the longest campaign for president in our nation's history, the day where it will be settled is here. I filled out my ballot this morning. I was going to do it earlier last week, but I had not decided who I was going to vote for. It came down to two men, (Obama was not one of them. DUH!) and after reading many different articles last night, and doing more research, I finally made my decision.

So be sure to get out and vote. Vote for who you think will be right for this country. Look past the rhetoric of both campaigns. I just hope and pray that when I wake up tomorrow, our national anthem will still be the Star Spangled Banner, and not this:

Weekend Video...AAAANOLD STYLE!

2008-11-01T05:49:00.000-07:00

Aaanold may not be the most conservative of Republicans, but he sure can rile up a crowd. I love it how he knocks on Nobama's wee little bird legs. Don't look now, but McCain is surging. Maybe we will be able to avoid a Marxist president after all. We will find out on Tuesday night.

I don't know about you, but I am pumped up! Hope your Halloween was a happy one!

A Bad Luck Wish For....

2008-10-29T14:37:00.000-07:00

....The Oklahoma City Thunder. May they suck not just in tonight's opener, but for the whole season. I hereby curse them to be the suckiest team in the NBA until Seattle is awarded another NBA franchise. Worst of luck to you OKCT.