The internet is a useful tool, even for stupid people.

You have all received them in your email inbox. Stories about extraordinary events. Reports of people who through either speeches or interviews have warned the public about people and or events that would damage our country. No matter what the context of the story, many people go ahead and forward it to their friends and family believing what they have just read is pure fact.

I for one am sick and tired of receiving emails that are nothing but bull crap. At least once a week I have one of my friends for filling up my inbox with emails that smell worse than Pelosi and Reid's Congress does. And for the last year or so, I have made it my personal mission to try and clear the Internet of emails that pull the heartstrings of the uninformed. So here I have compiled a list of emails that I have received not once, not twice, but several times since I started to use email back in 1997.

Bull crap email #1: OLIVER NORTH WARNS US ALL OF OSAMA BIN LADEN WAY BACK IN 1987

This particular email started to pop up soon after the terrorist attacks on 9/11. During a time when people wanted to know why there was no warning about what had happened to our country, some tweaker in his parent's basement decided that it would be fun to spread lies and discontent across the world wide web.

Sorry folks, no mention of Osama in this intelligence document.

I cannot count how many times I have received this email. However, when I do now receive it, I simply do reply to all (including the person who sent it to the person who sent it to me, so they too know they are clueless.) and write the word FAIL in big letters, and include the same snopes link that I included above.

Bull crap email #2: FOR EVERY TIME THIS EMAIL IS FORWARDED, LITTLE STEVIE SUCKINPUCKS WILL GET 5 CENTS TOWARDS A NEW APPENDIX! (Or a heart, kidney, spleen, knee caps, pinkie finger, etc., etc.)

Emails like these really try to play on people, and it makes me want to throw up. I mean c'mon people, do you really actually believe that there is some magical email program that is racking up silver Jefferson's every time another nitwit sends off this email to all of his friends and family, thinking that they just made 85 cents for some poor sick kid? Gimme a break! If you have ever forwarded one of these emails, shame on you. I would call you names and say how you are a drain on society, but then you might not finish reading this post. Speaking of emails trying to raise money for a cause, that brings me to bull crap email number 3.

Bull crap email #3: PLEASE SAVE ALL SODA PULL TABS! THEY WILL PAY FOR LITTLE JOEY'S DIALYSIS!

This email makes perfect sense right? Pull off the pull tap, throw away can, and turn in pull tap for life saving minutes on a dialysis machine. Nice try UBCEA! (United Bull Crap Emailers of America!) This farce is actually older than email forwards are. This ridiculous sob story has been used for saps to collect not only pull taps, but used cigarette packs too for people to mail off, only for those items to be thrown into the trash by the companies who receive them.

Pop tops are great for flicking with a rubber band, but for dialysis payment? Uh..not so much.

What is really sad is when a family has a child who has been diagnosed with a form of cancer hears of this moronic idea, and starts to diligently collect their pop tops in hopes that they are somehow doing something for their child, when it all actuality they are wasting time they could have otherwise been spending with their sick kid.

Not paid for by Shasta, Coke, Pepsi, or Green River.

There are many different variations of this email, but it is my hope you will be able to spot the bullcrappery.

Now the next time you see this monstrosity come across your desk, do everyone in the world a favor and let the person who sent it know how ridiculous it is. And if they are in reach, smack them upside the head while you are at it.

Bull crap email #4: IN CASE OF IMMINENT ROBBERY, TYPE IN YOUR PIN NUMBER BACKWARDS AND NOTIFY POLICE!

This email isn't as old as other faulty pieces of garbage floating out there in cyberspace, but it is the one that I have seen the most times in the last year or so. And while it sounds like a great idea, all it's going to get you if you pull this stunt with a couple of gun toting hooligans is a bullet in the back of the head. Of course if that happens, hopefully you have a load of pull tabs in a baggie at home that you can use to pay for your hospital stay. Or get the government to pay for it. That seems to be a popular choice more and more these days.

Lloyd tried his PIN backwards. Lucky the robber forgot bullets, and only gave him a shiner.

Bull crap email #5: DAVE MATHEWS HAS BEEN FOUND DEAD!

Now if there was one email that I have received in my inbox that I wished were true, this would have to be it. Sure, Dave Mathews allegedly plays a mean geetar, but that doesn't make his music any less crappy. Case in point: Les Claypool plays excellent base, but you wouldn't travel around the country in a VW Bus to watch Primus now would you? That's right, I didn't think so.

Other variations of this email might be something like the Troll Doll twins (Mary-Kate and Ashely Olsen) have been found dead, or that Brittni Spears has been accepted into a major university. Of course in the case of the Brittni Spears email, even a dunderhead would know that one is a fake from a mile away.

There you have it. Granted, there are 100's more emails out there that have maybe 2 percent truth to them and 98 percent pure lies, but these are the ones that always seem to pop up every few months. But with a little help from you out there, we just might be able to enjoy the day when friends quit spamming friends. The emails for natural male enhancement and free boob jobs from a Pakistani Doctor working out of a strip mall in the San Fernando Valley will still show up every day, but at least a decent email filter will take care of those.

*Editors note: If you have been offended by any part of this email I am sorry. With that being said, you are only offended because you have been guilty of one or more of the above transgressions. Now that you know the truth, you have a clean email sending slate. Make the best of it OK?