A.D. is for Annoying Drivers

I know I have brought this up time and time again on this blog, but I have a commute that many others in the area I live in also have to endure day after day.  From my garage to my parking spot it is approximately 38.7 miles.  Well, unless I decide to stop by Sonic and get a breakfast burrito…then it is about 39.1 miles, but I digress.  In the last ten years I have been making this drive, I have discovered that my fellow drivers fall into one of four categories.  So today, El Donaldo brings you the, “What Kind of Driver Am I?” test.  There are no right or wrong answers, but if you fall into categories 1 or 2, don’t be surprised if I (category 3) pass you out on my way to work.

 Driver type #1

“The Grandma Driver”

I figured I would start with the driver that is the most annoying of all.  The Grandma Driver has one main rule:  Drive at least 5-10 miles UNDER the speed limit at ALL times.  Whether they are on the way to the grocery store to pick up some of those nasty hard candies that no one wants to eat, or rushing a blue in the face Uncle Dirk to the hospital, the rule of driving painfully under the speed limit must always be followed.  Out on the highway the grandma driver is known to hold up traffic to the point where people 40 cars behind are of the mindset that traffic has been slowed due to some grisly accident.  This of course then causes normally sane people to swerve back and forth in their lane while trying to get a glimpse of the horrors ahead.

The Grandma driver is also known to slow down to a near stop when coming within ½ a mile of a traffic light, because if their words, “You never know when that darn gummed light is going to flip to red on you.”  This action then raises the chance of being rear ended by 37 percent.  Roundabouts are also a point of contention with this type of driver, as they are known to stop in the middle of a roundabout to let another car go by.  Unfortunately, this only causes confusion among the other drivers waiting in line to enter the roundabout.  That is unless the next in line is a fellow grandma driver; then they know exactly what the other driver is doing.  On rare occasions, both grandma drivers won’t want to cut the other off, and you will have what is known as a “Grandma Roundabout Standoff”, or GRS for short.

For some reason many illegal immigrants to this country also drive in the Grandma fashion.  Maybe their reasoning is that they want to blend in, but most times it makes them stick out like a sore thumb.  Southern California, and farming communities up and down the west coast are where the illegal alien grandma driver are most times seen.

The Grandma Driver should be avoided at all costs, and if you happen to get stuck behind one, pass them as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

(Also known as the “Slow Mo’ Joe”, the “Illegal Immigrant”, and the “Too Blind To See The Speedometer” driver.)

 Driver type #2

“The Molly Driver”

As the name implies, this driver does everything by the book.  The Molly Driver will never be caught going a mile over the speed limit.  They know the drivers guide book from cover to cover, and can quote from it whenever they see fit.  At yellow lights the Molly proceeds with caution, and will slow down and stop at the first sign of a yellow light.  The thought of breaking even one traffic law, moving or non-moving, is enough to keep them awake at night.  When the Molly is on the road, it doesn’t matter if a semi has lost its brakes and is barreling towards the back of them, they will never speed up to get out of the way.  It is a well known fact that in the state of Utah, the Molly Driver is an extinct species.  Efforts have been made to introduce Molly back into the Beehive state, but have been squashed by Utah drivers from Logan to St. George.

(The male version is known as the Peter Perfect driver, and can be identified by the nicely pressed cardigan sweater, and pleated Khaki pants with cuffs at the bottom.  Most times this male is older, and will soon be part of the Grandma driver ranks.)

 Driver type #3

“The Jitterbug Driver”

This category is where the majority of drivers fall.  The Jitterbug is a firm believer in the “at least 5 miles over the speed limit at all times” rule.  If driving on a 4 lane road the Jitterbug will try to take the lane with the least amount of people.  Due to this fact, every once in a while they will choose a lane filled with Molly and Grandma drivers, and end up being stuck in the lane until they can find an opening in the other lane. 

Most jitterbugs do not invest money in a radar detector, because as most Jitterbugs will claim, “If the cops can go 5 mph over the speed limit at all times, so can I!”  Jitterbugs can be easily annoyed when they are stuck behind a Grandma or Molly on the highway, and will pass at the first available moment.  Some have even been known to stick their hand out the window and flash a 5-5 at drivers not driving up to snuff.  This usually will be followed by the passed driver flashing the middle finger salute.  (Please note:  The middle finger salute is not confined to any one type of driver, but is most times identified with the Jitterbug or the Crack Head Driver.)

Jitterbugs are found all over, and cannot be defined by age or gender.

(Also known as the “Experienced Teenage Driver” and the “I Can’t Afford Another Speeding Ticket So I Only Go 5 Over” driver.)

 Driver type #4

“The Crack Head Driver”

The Crack Head driver can come in many different shapes and sizes, but the main shape in that of a teenage male.  Whether the next stop light is 2 blocks or 2 miles away, the Crack Head driver will slam on the gas, and attempt to melt his tires to the pavement.  Red lights are usually stopped at, but most times the front end of the car (which usually has duct tape holding it together due to the fact some Grandma started slowing down at a yellow light instead of punching the gas.) will be across the line.  Yellow lights are nothing more than an invitation to see how high their tachometer can go.  Turn signals are seen as a nuisance, and are only used if a policeman is in the near vicinity.  And cop or no cop, the Crack Head will NEVER allow someone to get in his or her lane.  If somehow another driver does happen to merge into the Crack Head lane, they feel as much shame as the Molly driver does when a traffic law is broken.  Since drinking alcohol and driving is outlawed, a pile of Mountain Dew or Rockstar energy drink cans can be found in the back seat.

Crack Head drivers treat the freeway like their own personal speedway.  Anybody not going at least 10-15 miles over the speed limit are personally trying to piss off the Crack Head, and will be dealt with by flipping the bird out the window.  Radar detectors are the Crack Head’s best friend, and they are always on the search for the newest and best detector.  Charging across 3 lanes of traffic to make an exit is the rule for this driver, not the exception.  Just about every time this type of driver passes somebody on the road, they end up at the same stop light.

Various studies have shown the reason why Utah has failed to reintroduce Molly drivers back into the driving environment is because the Crack Head driver will not allow it to happen.  Because of the Molly reintroduction failure, the term Crack Head driver is synonymous with the term Utah Driver.

(Also known as the “Utah Driver”, “California Driver”, “Prison Escapee”, and the “Beginning Teenage Male Driver”.)

Every day during my commute I share the road with each kind of these drivers.  They reason why I have to go 40 mph on the bypass instead of the posted 55.  Others are why I can get away with doing 75 in the 65 mph zone on HWY 240.  And it will be that way for the rest of time.  Some things just never change.

Living off the grid...kind of

Picture if you will:  You are out with that special someone on a nice drive through the countryside.  You have a wonderful picnic lunch packed, and in the next hour or so you will arrive at your destination, and enjoy what in your mind will be the perfect afternoon.  You arrive at the park with the luscious green grass, and the wind is blowing softly through the trees.  You are about to take a bite of your sandwich, and RIIIING!!! RIIIING!!!  You cell phone goes off.  It is your boss, he has forgotten how to get to his email, and he needs you to come back right this minute to show him how to do it.  This situation sounds like it would really suck huh?  Well, unless you are me.  I don't have this problem.  You see, El Donaldo doesn't have a cell phone.

I can just imagine the look on your face as you read that last sentence.  There are most likely several questions running through your mind right now, and they all have to do with wondering, "How does he LIVE without one?"  To answer that question...I live quite well, thank you.

I know this might come as a shock.  After all, I do just about everything else electronically.  I have this blog, I have both a Myspace and a Facebook page.  I have 4 different email accounts. I have my iPod touch that plays not just music, but games as well.  I am connected to the internet at home, work, and when I can find a signal, on my iPod touch via WiFi. I am constantly searching for updated news stories by way of all the outlets mentioned above.  But for some reason, by not having a cell phone, I am somehow living in the stone age.  And believe it or not, I am happy that way.

Not having a cell phone has so many advantages, I don't even know if I can list them all here.  My favorite is the look I get to see on people's faces when I tell them if they want to call, they need to call my home phone number. Seriously, some people don't know how to react when you tell them you don't have a cell they can contact you at. The thought of not having instant access to someone 24/7 is enough to make some people hyperventilate.

Once they pull themselves together and process what I just said about being cell-less, the questions start.  "How do you get by without one???"  "What if your car breaks down, and you don't have a way to call somebody?"  Or my personal favorite, "How is somebody supposed to get a hold of you when something important happens?"  

What you in the cell phone carrying public don't understand is the FREEDOM that comes from NOT having a cell phone.  Lisa and I can go out for a fun time and not have to be bothered by somebody calling wanting to know what we thought of American Idol the night before.  We can go out to eat, and enjoy a meal without having to be checking our phone for the next text message to come through asking some random question that has no real purpose.  

And if for some reason we step out of the restaurant and realize we locked our keys in the car, all we have to do is go back in and ask if somebody has a phone we can use.  Chances are very good that in this situation two things will happen:

1- The place will go dead silent.  Everyone there will think they misheard us when we said we needed to borrow a phone.  I will look around the room to see if anyone has just gone into cardiac arrest when the news was broken they were sitting with two oafs who were not packing a phone with them

2- As soon as people get over the initial shock of the fact we are null cell, just about everyone's hand will go up, and the bright glow of AT&T, Verizon, Sprint, and Nextel phones will fill the room.  


Of course part of me feels sorry for when Alexandra asks me for a cell phone.  I figure around age 10 she will start hitting us up for her own phone.  It is going to be one of those moments where as a parent I am going to crush my child's dream.  Kind of like when I was little and my parents took us to see Grand Coulee Dam, and all Heidi and I wanted were some twinkies.  We begged.  We pleaded.  And in the end...we left sans twinkies.  Unfortunately for Alexandra, that cell phone she will want in a few years is never going to materialize.  In fact, I know exactly what I will say to my oldest daughter..."Sure Lex, you can have a cell phone...as soon as your old man gets one."  I was really hoping that she wouldn't start hating me until she was a teenager.  Hopefully buying her a car will make up for it.


Call me crazy for not wanting to pay upwards of 100 bucks a month just so I can talk on the phone in a place other than my house or work.  Just be sure to do it while I am at one of those places, or you might have to leave a message.