A.D. is for Annoying Drivers

I know I have brought this up time and time again on this blog, but I have a commute that many others in the area I live in also have to endure day after day.  From my garage to my parking spot it is approximately 38.7 miles.  Well, unless I decide to stop by Sonic and get a breakfast burrito…then it is about 39.1 miles, but I digress.  In the last ten years I have been making this drive, I have discovered that my fellow drivers fall into one of four categories.  So today, El Donaldo brings you the, “What Kind of Driver Am I?” test.  There are no right or wrong answers, but if you fall into categories 1 or 2, don’t be surprised if I (category 3) pass you out on my way to work.

 Driver type #1

“The Grandma Driver”

I figured I would start with the driver that is the most annoying of all.  The Grandma Driver has one main rule:  Drive at least 5-10 miles UNDER the speed limit at ALL times.  Whether they are on the way to the grocery store to pick up some of those nasty hard candies that no one wants to eat, or rushing a blue in the face Uncle Dirk to the hospital, the rule of driving painfully under the speed limit must always be followed.  Out on the highway the grandma driver is known to hold up traffic to the point where people 40 cars behind are of the mindset that traffic has been slowed due to some grisly accident.  This of course then causes normally sane people to swerve back and forth in their lane while trying to get a glimpse of the horrors ahead.

The Grandma driver is also known to slow down to a near stop when coming within ½ a mile of a traffic light, because if their words, “You never know when that darn gummed light is going to flip to red on you.”  This action then raises the chance of being rear ended by 37 percent.  Roundabouts are also a point of contention with this type of driver, as they are known to stop in the middle of a roundabout to let another car go by.  Unfortunately, this only causes confusion among the other drivers waiting in line to enter the roundabout.  That is unless the next in line is a fellow grandma driver; then they know exactly what the other driver is doing.  On rare occasions, both grandma drivers won’t want to cut the other off, and you will have what is known as a “Grandma Roundabout Standoff”, or GRS for short.

For some reason many illegal immigrants to this country also drive in the Grandma fashion.  Maybe their reasoning is that they want to blend in, but most times it makes them stick out like a sore thumb.  Southern California, and farming communities up and down the west coast are where the illegal alien grandma driver are most times seen.

The Grandma Driver should be avoided at all costs, and if you happen to get stuck behind one, pass them as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

(Also known as the “Slow Mo’ Joe”, the “Illegal Immigrant”, and the “Too Blind To See The Speedometer” driver.)

 Driver type #2

“The Molly Driver”

As the name implies, this driver does everything by the book.  The Molly Driver will never be caught going a mile over the speed limit.  They know the drivers guide book from cover to cover, and can quote from it whenever they see fit.  At yellow lights the Molly proceeds with caution, and will slow down and stop at the first sign of a yellow light.  The thought of breaking even one traffic law, moving or non-moving, is enough to keep them awake at night.  When the Molly is on the road, it doesn’t matter if a semi has lost its brakes and is barreling towards the back of them, they will never speed up to get out of the way.  It is a well known fact that in the state of Utah, the Molly Driver is an extinct species.  Efforts have been made to introduce Molly back into the Beehive state, but have been squashed by Utah drivers from Logan to St. George.

(The male version is known as the Peter Perfect driver, and can be identified by the nicely pressed cardigan sweater, and pleated Khaki pants with cuffs at the bottom.  Most times this male is older, and will soon be part of the Grandma driver ranks.)

 Driver type #3

“The Jitterbug Driver”

This category is where the majority of drivers fall.  The Jitterbug is a firm believer in the “at least 5 miles over the speed limit at all times” rule.  If driving on a 4 lane road the Jitterbug will try to take the lane with the least amount of people.  Due to this fact, every once in a while they will choose a lane filled with Molly and Grandma drivers, and end up being stuck in the lane until they can find an opening in the other lane. 

Most jitterbugs do not invest money in a radar detector, because as most Jitterbugs will claim, “If the cops can go 5 mph over the speed limit at all times, so can I!”  Jitterbugs can be easily annoyed when they are stuck behind a Grandma or Molly on the highway, and will pass at the first available moment.  Some have even been known to stick their hand out the window and flash a 5-5 at drivers not driving up to snuff.  This usually will be followed by the passed driver flashing the middle finger salute.  (Please note:  The middle finger salute is not confined to any one type of driver, but is most times identified with the Jitterbug or the Crack Head Driver.)

Jitterbugs are found all over, and cannot be defined by age or gender.

(Also known as the “Experienced Teenage Driver” and the “I Can’t Afford Another Speeding Ticket So I Only Go 5 Over” driver.)

 Driver type #4

“The Crack Head Driver”

The Crack Head driver can come in many different shapes and sizes, but the main shape in that of a teenage male.  Whether the next stop light is 2 blocks or 2 miles away, the Crack Head driver will slam on the gas, and attempt to melt his tires to the pavement.  Red lights are usually stopped at, but most times the front end of the car (which usually has duct tape holding it together due to the fact some Grandma started slowing down at a yellow light instead of punching the gas.) will be across the line.  Yellow lights are nothing more than an invitation to see how high their tachometer can go.  Turn signals are seen as a nuisance, and are only used if a policeman is in the near vicinity.  And cop or no cop, the Crack Head will NEVER allow someone to get in his or her lane.  If somehow another driver does happen to merge into the Crack Head lane, they feel as much shame as the Molly driver does when a traffic law is broken.  Since drinking alcohol and driving is outlawed, a pile of Mountain Dew or Rockstar energy drink cans can be found in the back seat.

Crack Head drivers treat the freeway like their own personal speedway.  Anybody not going at least 10-15 miles over the speed limit are personally trying to piss off the Crack Head, and will be dealt with by flipping the bird out the window.  Radar detectors are the Crack Head’s best friend, and they are always on the search for the newest and best detector.  Charging across 3 lanes of traffic to make an exit is the rule for this driver, not the exception.  Just about every time this type of driver passes somebody on the road, they end up at the same stop light.

Various studies have shown the reason why Utah has failed to reintroduce Molly drivers back into the driving environment is because the Crack Head driver will not allow it to happen.  Because of the Molly reintroduction failure, the term Crack Head driver is synonymous with the term Utah Driver.

(Also known as the “Utah Driver”, “California Driver”, “Prison Escapee”, and the “Beginning Teenage Male Driver”.)

Every day during my commute I share the road with each kind of these drivers.  They reason why I have to go 40 mph on the bypass instead of the posted 55.  Others are why I can get away with doing 75 in the 65 mph zone on HWY 240.  And it will be that way for the rest of time.  Some things just never change.