And The Finalists Are...

Here we are, almost to the end of yet another season of American Idol. Of course that means it is time for 2 hour episodes of A.I., with only about 10 minutes of that time actually pertaining to the outcome. As everyone knows this was the first year without the habitual drunk Paula Abdul as a judge. While that has cut down on the vanilla flavored criticisms of the contestants, (Which I must admit has been nice, but I do miss the ramblings from the washed up pop star who thinks she still has it.) it has given birth to Cara Dioguardi, who is always referring to Randy Jackson and Ellen Degeneres as “The Guys”. But the big hit will come next year, when A.I. will be without the man America loves to hate, Simon Cowell.

Even with the absence of Paula and the edition of Ellen, American Idol hasn’t been as painful to watch as I first envisioned. Ellen has been downright hilarious at times, and she has brought more to the show than I thought she would. But no matter how many times Ellen cracks jokes about the contestants, or Randy finding new ways to say, “It sounded pitchy dog”, American Idol will be in the toilet without Simon Cowell. 

With the quest to find Simon’s replacement for next year still ongoing, I feel the time is right to name my top finalists to take over his position, and the odds of them taking the job.

FINALIST #1 Donald Trump (20-1)

Ahh, the Donald.  First off, lets take the chair he would be sitting in.  It would be a leather high back chair, and knowing the Donald he would not be happy sitting on the very end of the table.  The first day of auditions he would tell Cara to switch him spots and if she refused, he would buy her house, tear it down, and build a few more Trump Towers.  Once his rightful spot behind the table was established, the judging would start.  I have a feeling it would go something like this:

The Donald: (To the person auditioning)  "May we please have your name, age, and gross income for 2007-2010 please?"

Contestant:  "Uh, I am not sure, let me think...."

Randy:  "Hey Dawg, why you askin' about her cash flow?  This is a singing contest, not the Apprentice dude!"

The Donald:  "Randy, I am disappointed in you for cutting off the contestant while she was trying to answer.  For that move...Randy, you're fired."

Randy:  "What?  You can't fire me dawg, I am Randy Jackson.  I wrote some of the biggest hits of the 80's!"

The Donald:  "Of course I can Randy, don't know know who I am?  Next contestant please."

Ellen: "Now Mr. Trump, that is just darn silly.  Randy is part of our team of judges."

The Donald:  "I know, but he was the weakest link.  He is not the type of person I want for a project manager."

Contestant: (Who probably is horrible, but has been told her whole life she is the next Beyonce or Celine Dion.)  "Uh, so am I like, not getting to sing?  Or maybe I need to sing a different song?"

The Donald:  "Why are you still here contestant?  Leave me boardroom, you were fired too.  And take Randy with you.  Next contestant please."

Randy:  "Dang dawg, I can't believe I just got fired."

OK, maybe Donald Trump wouldn't quite work out for American Idol.  That brings us to the next finalist.


FINALIST #2 Jim Rome (40-1)

Jim Rome, one of the most influential voices in sports today would bring one thing to the table that Simon is taking with him.  Attitude.  For those of you who listen to, or have listened to Jim Rome in the past know that he is a master at coming up with nicknames.  So much so, his radio show has its own language called "smack."  And smack is just what ol' Jim would lay down on the contestants.  It would go something like this:

(Contestant has finished singing.  Randy, having been rehired after the whole Trump incident, liked what he heard.  Ellen follows up with how the contestant sounded OK, and Cara exclaimed that the contestant didn't make the song his own.)

Ryan Seacrest: "OK, now we are to Jim.  What did you think of the contestant Jim?"

Jim Rome:  "That.  Was.  Horrible!  (Long pause while he shuffles some papers.)  What did you do before you sang tonight man?  Did you get beat up by those two tennis playing William's brothers backstage?  Not even one of those fancy wrist things that bowlers wear could have made that performance any better.  Heck, Neems song, "Jordan's Dad" sounded better than that!  You are an embarrassment to all the REAL singers out there....

(Insults, sound clips, and 10 minutes later he is still ranting.)

...Sorry, but you have no game.  And you have wasted 5 minutes of my life I would like back."

Ryan Seacreast:  "Uh, thanks Jim.  Now for the next contestant."

Of course the next day Jim Rome would have the contestant on his radio show, and after interviewing him would decide that maybe he was wrong about him, and from that point on pimp him out to everyone who will listen.  He will also have no memory of ever disliking the contestant.

Maybe these first two finalists aren't quite Idol material.  Which is good for the last finalist, because in my view he would be the best out of the three.

FINALIST #3  Don King (9-5)

If you thought Paula heaped on the praise heavy, you have no idea what Don King could do:

Randy:  "I wasn't feeling it dawg.  Sorry, but its a no from me dude."

Ellen: "Well, at least you have your health, right?  I like your style, but there is no substance to your singing.  Kind of like my ex-girlfriend."

Cara:  "You know what, I think I am going to have to agree with the guys.  I just don't think you are right for this competition."

Ellen whispering to Randy:  "Did she just call me a guy again?  I know I switched teams a while back, but to call me a guy?  Who does she think I am, that Bono girl?  Uh, I mean..guy?"

Don King:  "THAT WAS THE GREATEST!  I MEAN THE GREATEST!  YOU ARE THE SINGER WHO WILL WIN IT ALL!  NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, YOU ARE THE CHAMP!  STOP THE PRESSES, WE HAVE THE NEW SUPERSTAR!  ALL THE GREATS ARE NOW SECOND PLACE TO YOU!  DON KING FOUND THE BEST YET AGAIN!  GOD BLESS AMERICA!  ONLY IN AMERICA COULD DON KING FIND THE BEST SINGER OF ALL TIME!"

Yesiree, Don King would be great on American Idol.  And I bet he would do it if asked.  I don't think he has any major fighters right now he is promoting, so why not jump on Idol?

Well, that is my top 3.  Of course the problem American Idol is going to run into next year is that it is going to be a shell of its former self.  The two most controversial judges will be gone, leaving not much else to get excited about.  I am sorry to say that much like The Office, American Idol is past its prime.  And also like The Office, it has no idea it has turned from being a national sensation to something that is DVR'd but never watched.

So enjoy the rest of American Idol this year.  Root for your favorite contestant, and just be thankful that Taylor Hicks isn't eligible to come back again.