What to do when bored at work? The 2009 Friend Survey of course!

So yesterday I am sitting at my desk at work, thinking about how there is nothing going on, and I should just go home. And then my good friend (and co-worker) Sonja sends me yet another “get to know you” survey. Now normally I just send these types of emails straight to the trash can, but this time I decided to go ahead and fill it out. After all, several other people in my group had filled out the same survey and sent it to me. I felt I should be a team player and fill it out too. It goes without saying that my answers were a hit with my co-workers.

I was going to just leave it at that, but then I received a comment today on the last blog post I did…5 months ago. Yes, I have pretty much left this blog for dead, but the spammers who like my post on Alpha Bits cereal, and the few good blogging friends I have leave me comments from time to time asking why I haven’t posted in a long time. So Lisa, David, Kristen, random spammers who like my Alpha Bits post, and anyone else out there who check their computer every morning with the hope that El Donaldo has started posting again, this post is for you. I present to you the survey I did yesterday. Now I must warn you that some of these answers will make no sense to you, but that is OK. That just means you aren’t sitting around in a cubicle with nothing to do out on the Hanford site. Oh, and you don’t know the people I refer to. Other than that it should be all good.

Hopefully this posts OK. Since I no longer have blogger access out at work, (Which is part of the reason I have fallen out of the blog world. I couldn’t access it due to the Gestapo in our IT department.) I am having to post this via email. But you make do with what you have right?

1. What time did you get up this morning? 6:02 p.m., and out the door at 6:20. In that 18 minutes I destroyed the toilet, took a shower, checked FB, grabbed the paper, and fed the dogs. (And after all of that I was still ready in time for a carpool to come pick me up.)

2. Diamonds or pearls I have no idea what you even mean by this…everything else has a question mark and this one doesn’t. So until you correct this error, I cannot answer this question. If it is indeed a question.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? At the cinema? Are you freaking kidding me?? What is this, 1910? If you mean moving motion picture with sound did I last see, then I guess I would have to say Inglorious Basterds. At the cinema.

4. What is your favorite TV show? So many to choose from. I guess a tossup between design on a dime and so you think you can dance. Oh wait…you want my favorite? I guess at the moment I would have to say Pawn Stars.

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? 2 lemons. Hey, it keeps me regular.

6. What is your middle name? Reed

7. What food do you dislike? Foods like olives and avocados. And deviled eggs. That kind of crap will give you cancer.

8. What is your favorite CD at moment? CD’s are so 1997. Seeing as how I live in the year 2009, I illegally download my music from a site called “legal sounds.” Sounds legal doesn’t it? My favorite album on my MP3 player is the Third Eye Blind’s self titled album. It is from the year 1997.

9. What kind of car do you drive? 2005 Volvo S40 T5 Swedish engineering at its finest.

10. Favorite sandwich? One that hasn’t been sat on by Pat Lindsay. Or anyone else for that matter.

11. What characteristic do you despise? Un cleanliness. Does it really hurt that bad to take a shower every day? Does it?

12. Favorite item of clothing? Shorts.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Someplace warm. Preferably English speaking .

14 . Favorite brand of clothing? The brand of clothing does not make me. I make the brand of clothing. (I have no frickin’ idea what that even means, but it sounds pretty deep.)

15. Where would you retire to? Maybe So Cal. If all the hippies have been slaughtered.

16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? 32nd birthday. I was at Disneyland and had hundreds of people wish me happy birthday. So what if they were only saying it because it was part of their job for the day. It still felt good.

17. Favorite sport to watch? Basketball.

18. Furthest place you are sending this? From the looks of the distribution list, I believe that would be the electricians room in PFP. I am fairly certain Tiny and Travis Hinds are one in the same. (Question update: This answer is now void seeing as how I have posted it online now.)

19. Who will respond first? Dumb question…next.

20.. When is your birthday? August 5th. A day that will live in great reverence around the world. And no, I am not being conceited…it is the day that Actress Marilyn Monroe was found dead in her Los Angeles home at age 36. Her death was ruled a probable suicide from an overdose of sleeping pills. I guess instead of standing on top of blowing street vents she should have learned how to read medicine labels. Maybe she wouldn’t have croaked.

21. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night person. Anyone who is that jazzed in the morning is obviously faking it.

22. What is your shoe size? 11EEE in Nike’s, 10EEE in New Balance, and 10.5EEE in Sacony. I haven't bought a pair of Adidas for many years, so I have no idea what size I would wear.

23. Pets? Yes please!

24. Any new and exciting news you ' d like to share with us? Sure. Carrie Hudon is preggers.

25. What did you want to be when you were little? A stock broker who specialized in junk bonds.

26. How are you today? I was doing good…and then I started doing this survey.

27. What is your favorite candy? Starbursts

28. What is your favorite flower? Bird of Paradise.

29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? The days that start with the letter S. Oh, and every other day that starts with the letter F.

30. What's your full name? Donald Reed Sorenson

31. What are you listening to right now? Kevin forcing himself to burp just so he can say “Mmmm…excuse me.”

32. What was the last thing you ate? A piece of pecan pie from Costco. Not the best piece of pie, but not the worst either.

33. Do you wish on stars? Only when I am on my way to the cinema.

34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Green. Maybe Red.

35. How is the weather right now? Check it yourself. I am not your daddy. www.weather.com

36. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? Chuck Torelli’s 2nd in command. I don’t know his name, but he sounded like he was an OK guy. I think from now on I will call him #2.

37. Favorite soft drink? Coca Cola with turd ice. Heck, anything with turd ice.

38. Favorite restaurant? It used to by Tony Roma’s and then they destroyed their menu. Now I would have to say Marie Callendars.

39. Real hair color? Brown with a hint of amber coloring. Uh, on second thought let’s just say brown.

40. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Spiderman big wheel. There was no place I couldn’t go in that thing.

41. Summer or winter? Hey survey, what the hell do you have against Spring and Fall? Are they not viable options? Not like it matters. Summer blows them all away.

42. Hugs or kisses Really…whoever originally sent out this long waste of my time survey should really ensure they have all punctuation right before they send it out. I believe you are asking me whether I like hugs or kisses better. Anyone who says hugs is lying. If you are settling for a hug it means you can kiss the chance of ever being kissed goodbye.

43. Chocolate or Vanilla? Rainbow Sherbet.

44. Coffee or tea? How about cake or death? That is a more logical choice.

45. Do you want your friends to email you back? No matter what I say here, they will email me back. But what they are doing to email back I have no clue.

46. When was the last time you cried? When “The Dirty Dozen” was on AMC last month. By far one of the most touching movies of all time. Just thinking about Jefferson dying before he can make it back to...::sniff:: ::sniff:: Sorry, I can’t finish that comment. The thought of it all causes too much pain.

47. What is under your bed? I don’t know, but it smells like a dead whore.

48. What did you do last night? Went home, took off my pants…and popped some popcorn for Lisa’s young women’s group activity.

49. What are you afraid of? Carnies. And Tonya Harding.

50. Salty or sweet? Both

51. How many keys on your key ring? 27. I have no idea what 25 of them do, but I like to roll out in public looking like a high school janitor. It gets the ladies every time.

52. How many years at your current job? 9 years and about 7 or so months. 6 months of those were spent actually working.

53. Favorite day of the week? See question number 29. I refuse to answer this question more than once per survey.

54. How many towns have you lived in? Kennewick, Richland, and West Richland. Although through many hours of therapy I have blocked the memories of living in Richland out of my head.

55. Do you make friends easily? With people who I want to be friends with I do.

56. How many people will you send this to? I would count the names up top, but just like Kathy Wilson says, “Math is for ugly people.”

57. How many will respond? Sorry, 56 survey answers are my daily limit. Come back tomorrow for the answer to this gem.

So now, for those who still might be check this old blog of mine for new posts, I am tagging you. I tag you to fill out this survey and post it. If you don’t then you will have 7 years of bad lick.

And yes, I do mean lick. Bad licks are worse than bad luck, that is why you better re post this.

Oh yeah, and a big thank you to those who will read this. My self esteem thanks you also.

Travel Who? Travel John!

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend. And while I didn't have the same kind of 4th that I had last year, it was still great. Lisa's Sister Kristin, her Husband Matt, and their 6 kids came over from SLC, and we all had a jolly good time. And even though I was bested in a game of Risk by my nephew Jacob, I still extended the invitation for them to visit anytime.

OK, now to the post that I have been planning for the last 2 days. This weekend I was at Schucks to buy a couple auto related items, and an item caught my eye. At first I thought it was some joke box that someone had left on the shelf for a good laugh. But then I picked it up for a closer look, and it was indeed real.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the blog world, I present to you....The Travel John.

The picture on the box explains it all. Think about it:

Stuck on the Hollywood Freeway and have the urge to take a tinkle? The Travel John can take that tinkle (and the smell) so you can dump it out on Melrose.

Out camping and the only option is to use the port o potty that smells like a bathroom toilet used by 6 year olds trying to learn how to aim? The Travel John has a unisex adapter so both men and women can use it!

There are so many situations where The Travel John could come in handy!

I must say though my favorite part of this product is the testimonial page on their website. Here is a sample of a couple good ones:

I know of "TravelJohn" through a traffic school course that I attended. The instructor informed us of such a product. TravelJohn "saved my life" on a number of occasions..:-) I travel by planes. And somehow, many times when I just get off the airplane, I don't feel the need to "go". But when I get to my car in the parking structure, the system starts to "kick in", and to run all the way back inside the terminal would mean wet pants for me. And there I have it, TravelJohn. I get into the back seat of my dark-tinted car,... and the rest is history. :-) Thanks, L.N. 11/04/05.

Thanks for that visual of you in the back seat of your car L.N!

And then there is M.P.'s testimonial:

I just came back from a 2 week adventure in Mongolia. The #1 Travel-John saved me (+ 3 friends). Picture, if you will, us in a nomadic tent with 200-300 goats + sheep between us and our "toilet". (A hole in the ground). It is the middle of the night and the temperature is about 35 degree( its 36 degree in the tent!) Out comes #1 Travel-John to the rescue!! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For such an easy-to-use, clean GREAT product. -- M.P 8/28/00

Thanks for the M.P. I had no idea that goats and sheep accompanied people on adventure trips to Mongolia.

And then there is this one:

Hello, This is to let you know that we tried your Travel John Personal urinal for my double amputee husband, who is wheel chair bound. This product is wonderful!! Be it a trip on the access bus to the doctor, or out of tour in our vehicle, this is a great idea! It helps to discreetly and safely relieve handicapped, greatly reliving body and mind and less stress for the disabled and also the caregiver! It's the greatest thing since disposable undergarments for handicapped (adults) (Or ice cream J ).It gives peace of mind and security. Thanks, S.H. 02/28/05.

OK, a double amputee is not funny, but the thought of a double amputee's wife helping him relieve himself on a bus IS funny. I mean, I have had to go really bad before in the past while on the bus back home from the Benton/Franklin County Fair, but arms or not, I am not going to whip out a Travel John and mortify not only my kids, but the other occupants heading back to the Kamiakin High School parking lot.

Now the question I am looking for get answered here today. When Lisa, the girls, and I go on our trek down to California, should I believe the hype and stock up on Travel Johns, or stick with the McDonald's bathrooms we hit along the way?

Before you answer that question, review the instructions for avoiding a PEEmergency:

I think this just might make it on our trip. Even if we don't use it, I would love to tell fellow travelers we meet on the road how we didn't really have to stop here because we have a 3 pack of Travel Johns stashed in the glove box.

I can see the look on Lisa's face right now.

What To Do When Your Dog Is Gender Confused

OK, both of my dogs are female, but for some reason when one of their heat cycles come around, they both act very funny. Now when I say funny I don't just mean that they roll around on the grass. I guess the best way to explain it is to relay the following conversation Lisa told me last night that our girls had with her earlier that day. It went something like this:

Alexandra and Lorelai: "MOM!!! Do you want to see what the dogs were doing with each other IN THE HOUSE!?!"

Lisa: (Who is probably half expecting what they are going to do, since we have seen the dogs do it off and on for the last 2 years.) "Uh...OK...what did they do?"

Alexandra and Lorelai: "They did this!"

Aleandra then proceeds to get down on all fours, while Lorelai gets on top of her and starts bouncing up and down.

I am not making this up, I promise.

Lisa, who I can only imagine is trying to keep a straight face, tells the girls to stop what they are doing and then asked, "Where did you see the dogs do that?"

"Right over where they sit!" Alexandra and Lorelai say while pointing to the dog's official in the house spot.

"EWWWW!!" is about all Lisa can muster at this point.

Meanwhile the dogs are both sitting there watching this unfold with the most innocent looks on their faces, like they have no idea what Lisa and the girls are talking about.

While Lisa is telling me all of this, all I can think about is a cover of the old newstand magazine The Weekly World News. The headline read: "HOMOSEXUAL DOGS CAN BE CURED!"

I guess it is high time I start looking into what cure they may be talking about.

Oh, and for those of you out there who don't believe me when I say I have two lesbian labs, Lisa snapped a photo of it in 2007:

Very disturbing indeed.

New U.S. Army Complaint form

Now that the era of President Barrack Hussein Obama has been ushered in, there have been a few changes with how our military goes about things.  The biggest difference that the public may notice is the reduction in troops from Iraq.  Of course this was already planned by the previous President, George Walker Bush, but as everyone knows, it is all Bush’s fault for EVERYTHING, and President Obama can do no wrong.

 

No, seriously, Obama is the messiah…it isn’t in his being to make mistakes.  (The teleprompter sees to that.)

 

One of the changes that the general public doesn’t know about is President Obama’s new guidelines for reporting meanness in the military.  Since bullets will soon be replaced with handing out daisies to our enemies in hopes they will want to solve everything by talking instead of fighting (So far so good right?  I know that Iran and North Korea think so!), our troops attitudes need to be softened towards their fellow human beings.  Therefore, a new Army complaint form has been issued.  It has been directed to military members that whenever someone feels that they have been wronged to fill out this form and the problem will be taken care of right away.

 

I want this to work as much as you do.  Hopefully this form will be a step in the right direction, and instead of being at odds with places like Cuba, Venezuela, Iran, and North Korea, we can join them in their far superior way of life (And government!), and all be the best of friends!

The Death of an American Music Icon

Rest in Peace Michael Jackson

August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009

Ignorance is bliss, especially when you are an uninformed environmentalist

Actual conversation I had after work yesterday with some envirohippie:

Envirohippie: "Hey, how did you have your car converted to hydro carbon? Does it run cleaner now?"

Me: "Oh I didn't switch anything. It was a limited release from Honda back in 1996, and it runs great!"

Envirohippie: "Wow, that is so cool. It is nice when the younger generation takes interest in saving the earth."

Me: "Uh...yeah. Have a good one."

Thank you Glenn Beck. Your sticker made this conversation possible.

Want your own sticker for your CAR/TRUCK/SUV? Click here!

Just in case you ever feel like you are a bad parent....these brainstems prove otherwise

There….doesn’t that make you feel better about your parenting skills?

Electricity...not just for TV's, Radios, and capital punishment anymore

A few weeks back I had to take an electrical safety course out at work. You see, we have a lot of new people coming in, and they want to reiterate just how dangerous electricity can be not only at work, but in your own home too. There is enough flow of electricity in your home to do this kind of damage. In fact, for the last year or so I have wanted to remove the annoying outlet covers that Lisa had installed on EVERY outlet in the house. It is a bother when every time you go to use an outlet you have to practically sell your soul to the devil to open up one of those covers. But after both the class I took and watching this video, I think I will leave them on until our girls are able to comprehend the true danger of electricity.

With that being said, the video looks like it might be from India. If you haven’t already watched it I must warn you that it might be a little graphic to some people. But every once in a while people need to see something like this to be reminded of the danger that electricity causes. Oh, and I am not a Doctor, but I don’t think the guy survived. I could be wrong, but usually when someone bursts into flames after being electrocuted they are on their way to meet their maker.

Happy Wednesday, and be safe around electricity!

El Donaldo's Favorite Email of the week

 

Recently Michelle Obama went to serve food to the homeless at a soup kitchen.

 

Cost of a bowl of soup at homeless shelter    $0.00 dollars

Having Michelle Obama serve you your soup $0.00 dollars

Snapping a picture of  a homeless person who is receiving government funded meal while taking a picture of the first lady using his $500 BlackBerry cell phone Priceless

Human kindness at its best

 

I know that I haven’t blogged in a while, but when you have a wife who also blogs and covers just about everything that happens in your family, sometimes it is hard to find material.  Sure I could go on about politics day and night, but I would like for El Donaldo readers to come away with something a little bit more than, “Our country is in shambles, and President Obama is only making it worse.”

 

So today I present to you a story I was emailed last week.  I do not know if this story is true, but that isn’t the point.

 

The Baseball Game

 

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

“When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.

Where is the natural order of things in my son?”

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued, “I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.”

Then he told the following story:

Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, “Do you think they'll let me play?” I knew most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, “We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.”

A Moment of a Lifetime

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all teammates.

Run Home, Shay!

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, “Shay, run to first! Run to first!”

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, “Run to second, run to second!”

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball, the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, “Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay!”

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, “Run to third! Shay, run to third!”

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, “Shay, run home! Run home!”

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

“That day,” said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, “the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world.”

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home to his mother's tearful embrace of her little hero of the day!

 

There are some people who would read this story and would be offended that the boys pretended there was nothing wrong with Shay instead of recognizing the abilities he did have as a disabled person.  They may say these boys were part of the problem the world has in dealing with people who are disabled.  But I choose to look at it this way: Through their actions they made Shay happy.  Sure, they could have just stuck him in the game, and the opposing pitcher could have whizzed three fastballs right by him to end the game.  Shay would have still been thrilled to have played in a real baseball game.  But they didn’t.  Instead they gave Shay a memory that would stay with him for the rest of his life.

I know that if anyone ever did this for my Elisabeth, it would make me happy to know that even though it wasn’t real, it would seem so to her.

 

 

 

Greatest Baseball Play in History

This came across my inbox today.  I had never heard of or seen this before, but it is nice to see someone save the flag from two dirty hippie bastards trying to burn it during a baseball game.  If for some reason the video doesn't show up, you can watch it here.

 

On another note, I don't know how many of you watch The Amazing Race on CBS, but if you do, I hope you agree with me when I say that if a chance to win 1 million dollars is on the line and I am only minutes ahead of the next team, you better believe I would pee my pants instead of wasting my time doing it in a honey bucket.  I was rooting for the sister team to make it, but after that stunt they pulled they no longer deserved to be in the final.

 

Have a good week everyone.

But they were at a consensus!

Some of you may have noticed that in my Earth Day post I used the word “consensus” several times. My reason for that was to set up this post. You see, over the years scientists and others who are considered experts in their fields have come to conclusions on major issues that for a time, change the way the world spins around. Then later on, those conclusions go up in a puff of smoke, and are never heard from or considered viable opinions again.

Today I present you with 5 things that during their time, scientists were positive they were right. There was a consensus by golly! Case closed! The debate is over! But they ended up being wrong. The first case I bring before you has to do with boobs. Not real boobs mind you, but the fake variety.

SILICONE IMPLANTS

As you know, some women just aren’t happy with their chest size. While pieces of toilet paper and push up bras work fine for the outward appearance, some women would rather have something that they don’t have to prepare every morning. This is where fake boobage comes in.

For those of you who are not up on your fake boob history, there are two kinds of breast implants: saline and silicone. Back in the early 1960’s, Dow Corning developed the first silicone prototypes for women. They proved very popular, but by the decade of decadence (Duh, the 1980’s dude.) medical researchers were warning women who were looking for the perfect bust that there was a dangerous link between silicone implants and serious health problems such as breast cancer, auto-immune disorders, and neurological conditions.

Much to the disappointment of the general male population, silicone implant manufacturers found themselves under attack from seedy lawyers whose offices were located in a strip mall next to a liquor store, to the big time personal injury lawyers located in posh business parks. In the next 2 decades, nearly 400,000 injury claims were filed against Dow Corning, with an additional 20,000 lawsuits on the books against them. Because of the severe backlash, Dow Corning not only completely halted manufacturing silicone implants; they also paid out about 3.2 billion dollars in claims. Of course by then the company that started in 1942 when Dr. Shailer Bass developed silicone grease (Dow Corning #4 Compound) that made high altitude flight possible was in complete disarray and was forced to file for bankruptcy.

Take that Dow Corning!! A big evil corporation that had been manufacturing a product that was a potential killer had been taken down! There is just one miniscule problem. Today the scientific consensus overwhelmingly agrees there is zero evidence that links silicone breast implants to any female health problems.

The next case brings us to something loved the world over, and little did we know it could also be a killer!

RED M&M’S

They may melt in your mouth and not in your hand, but there is something else you may not know M&M’s were thought to do at one time: Kill you! Back in the bicentennial year of 1976, Soviet scientists warned the world that FD&C Red No.2 food dye was a suspected carcinogen. You really have to ask yourself one question though. Why during the cold war would we pay attention to what Soviet scientists had to say? Were they just mad that others were using the color red?

The Food and Drug Administration did their own tests on Red No.2, and even though tests were inconclusive, the FDA decided to ban the additive anyway. This set off a widespread panic about every foodstuff colored red. And even though red M&M’s never even contained FD&C Red No.2, Mars banished the red ones to the same candy hell that also housed lime flavored Starbursts. The red M&M stayed away until 1987, when it was brought back by popular demand. I guess by that point people were so hard up for the red ones they didn’t care 11 years ago they were afraid to eat them.

Now here is the kicker. More than 30 years later, there is still no evidence that the red dye actually poses any threat to humans. What a surpise!

So if red M&M’s were bad, what about one of nature’s red fruits? Buyers beware of the dangerous….

APPLE JUICE

Who doesn’t love a nice glass of apple juice in the morning, noon, or night? Would you still love the juice if it could give you cancer? Once upon a time, apple growers in the United States sprayed their orchards with an agricultural chemical known as Alar. In the mid 1980’s scientists started to report that Alar was causing cancer in lab mice. The American Academy of Pediatrics lobbied the EPA to ban the chemical so no children would have to be stricken with cancer. You even had the actress Meryl Streep film a PSA to warn about apple juice containing Alar residue. In fact, Ms. Streep even testified before congress as an “expert witness.”

Before you knew it, grocery stores stopped accepting shipments of apples. Families across the country were dumping gallons and gallons of apple juice down the sink in fear they may have already given their children cancer. Apple growers around the U.S. lost hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue.

With that being said, for once the scientists were right….kind of. You see, Alar IS a carcinogen, there is no denying that. However, further studies found that a person would need to drink about FIVE THOUSAND GALLONS of apple juice a DAY to present a measurable health risk. I love my apple juice almost as much as I love my coca-cola, but I feel safe in the fact that drinking 5000 gallons of anything in one day will kill me via water poisoning before the cancer would have a chance to take hold.

LIVING UNDER POWER LINES

This scientific finding came about because of a flawed study done in 1979 by an epidemiologist. The study hinted at a possible link between suburban cases of childhood leukemia and residential power lines. The culprit: EMF’s or Electromagnetic fields from the high voltage wires. Countless follow-up studies have no found connection whatsoever between EMF’s and any significant health risks. But this is a prime example of what happens when one nut bar scientist with a half-baked idea gives new life to the EMF scare.

Other examples of this scare are:

1. Talking on your cell phone for prolonged periods of time.
2. Sleeping under an electric blanket during wintertime (Or in my beautiful wife’s case, anytime of the year.) raises the risk of pregnant women giving birth to a child with serious defects.
3. A male police officer holding a radar speed gun next to the boys down below increases the risk of testicular cancer.

Many people out there hold these theories to be true since they have received 17,398 email warnings from John Hopkins University saying just that. In reality subsequent EMF studies have not uncovered any convincing evidence that proves they are harmful.

Now it is time for my favorite one, mostly because it is completely contradictory to what they go on and on about now.

THE NEXT ICE AGE

In the 1970’s climatologists were certain we were heading for the next great ice age. The world was cooling at an alarming rate, they said. Average global temperatures had been trending downward since 1940, and there was no end in sight. But people were skeptical. Some of the older generations remembered that scientists has also rang the bell on global cooling in the 1920’s, but by the 1930’s were claiming that global warming was now happening and was unstoppable. And of course by the 1970’s those crazy climatologists were back on the cooling bandwagon again.

But this time it was different they said! The evidence backing up global cooling was sound!! They were at a consensus that evidence was irrefutable we would all freeze to death!!! In order for the world to survive the freezing temps drastic action must be taken to reverse the inevitable!!!

Proposed solutions included intentionally melting the polar ice cap by covering it with black soot. That is an idea that would even make Al Gore proud.

Instead, we decided on another solution; we chose not to listen to the experts. And everybody knows how global cooling played out in the end right?

There are many other examples of science (GASP!) being wrong. One I did not mention was the impending population boom that was going to wipe out earth’s population. This, my friends is one of the many reasons I refuse to buy into the global warming scare. If the day comes that I am forced to live on a boat like Kevin Costner in Waterworld, I will then have no choice but to change my mind and say I am sorry I doubted them. Until that day comes, I will conduct business as normal. Hopefully most of you will come to a “consensus” on that.

Killer Queen Version 2.0

After killing brain cells yesterday doing so much thinking/writing about Earth Day I decided to kill off brain cells the way the rest of America does and talk about something that has captivated America every year from January to June for the last 8 years.  That’s right; I am talking about American Idol.  Now, when AI started way back in 2001 I was down for watching it.  The beginning of every season does a great job of showing everything that is wrong in America.  What I mean is it gives you a snapshot of what happens when every day of a kid’s life they are told by their parents, teachers, coaches, friends, relatives, and internet chat rooms that they are really good at something when in all actuality they not only suck at it, but should have tried something else a long time ago.  It shows what the consequences are from giving the team that comes in last place a trophy, and a note telling them that since they tried their hardest, they are winners too.

 

If I have lost you here let me explain myself.  Every year at the beginning of A.I., you will inevitably have a great many of contestants on the show get up in front of the judges with the confidence that because their Parents and Grandparents told them how wonderful they are at singing while in the shower they could be the next American Idol.  But after 15 seconds of them destroying Stevie Wonder or Celine Dion every single man, woman, and child in America (not to mention the judges sitting there having to listen first hand to the hot mess.) knows that they just witnessed crappiness at its finest.  At that same moment we witness an epic fail, the person who sang the song truly believes they just blew away Simon Cowell and Co.  It isn’t until Randy says dog in a disparaging tone 5-6 times, Paula gets that look on her face like the last swig of gin out of the Coca-cola cup in from of her had gone bad, and Simon perks up knowing he is about to destroy someone for the first time in their life that said person has any idea they just sucked it up.  Of course this is followed by tears, and hug from Mom and Grandma wearing identical tweedy bird shirts who are telling their little shooting star how the judges were so unfair to them, and how next year when they audition again the judges will see how they made a mistake. 

 

This alone is worth watching the show to me.  It is also why Simon Cowell is the man, and more people should be like him.  Of course if more people were like Simon, millions of kids across America would realize early on in life that maybe they should try to be good at something else.  But even the joy I have gotten the last few years out of the first few weeks has greatly faded to the point where I don’t really pay any attention to A.I.  That is until this season.  That is until Adam Lambert decided to show up and blow away everyone, including the normally unflappable Simon Cowell.

 

If you don’t watch A.I. regularly, I suggest that you at least find out when Adam is singing, and tune in just to watch him go at it.  Never in all of the years of A.I. have I seen a contestant as well rounded as Mr. Lambert.  He can go the flamboyant rout, and the very next week goes the straight laced 50’s school boy rout.  He can hit notes that only eunuchs and young choir boys.  He can do just about anything he wants to up on stage, and the judges, as well as America, will talk about it for the rest of the week.

 

Every time I watch Adam perform he reminded me of someone.  It wasn’t until last week when I was talking to one of my co-workers that I figured out who.  Adam is Freddie Mercury from Queen reincarnated.  It is as simple as that.  I mean, look at the similarities:

 

1.      Both have dark hair

2.      Both have the ability to be as flamboyant as Elton John, yet as badass as Dave Grohl.

3.      Both are loved by women, but loved even more by men.

4.      Both have enough confidence in their abilities they can sell it to whoever is watching.

 

 

I never thought that there would anyone like Freddie Mercury in the music world again.  But then along came this kid.  When he wins American Idol he has the ability to blow away any other artist to be produced by the show. This all begs the question:  Where has he been all the other seasons this show has been on?  Every year I think this when they find new contestants, but really, where was he the year we had to listen to that douche bag Taylor Hicks?  No offense to Taylor, but he wouldn’t even be allowed to carry Adam’s ruby encrusted knapsack for him.  Taylor would be lucky enough to push one of the brooms that sweep the stage at the end of the night after Adam kicked butt all over it earlier in the day.

 

So for at least one more season, I will watch A.I.  This one guy makes it totally worth it.  You go Adam.  Freddie Mercury would be so proud.

The most useless day of the year....Earth Day

Here it is again. April 22^nd. To a lot of us this is just another day. But to others it is a day equal to Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Boxing Day, Waitangi Day, Balloon Ascension Day, Mardi Gras, Save the Rhino Day, The 4^th of July, and Dictionary Day combined. Yes ladies and gents, it is once again Earth Day!!

First off, let me tell you what really annoys me about this day. I don’t like being forced into something by someone trying to make me feel guilty. I don’t like how you only care about the Earth if you follow every crazy thing environmentalists and others who treat environmental problems like they are a religion want you to follow. And most of all, I don’t like how the green movement is no longer about helping the environment. It is strictly for making money off of people’s emotions. If you don’t believe me, look into the company General Electric. You know the company that owns NBC Universal and uses everything in its power to promote their products on TV, radio, and print? Who does absolutely asinine things such as “Green Week” on NBC, CNBC, MSNBC, USA, and whatever other channels they own by claiming that since they planted 100 trees somewhere in Somalia they can use all the oil, gas, and electricity they want? OK, now with that out of the way, we can get on with our Earth Day lesson.

Does anyone out there in blog land know why Earth Day came into being? Is it because some hippies up in San Francisco needed a good reason to get high, and the idea of an Earth Day would give them an excuse? Did some scientists come together on a “consensus” and decide if we did not have an Earth Day the oceans would rise and people on the Eastern seaboard would all drown? If you answered yes to either of those, I really hope you are joking. The real answer on who created Earth Day is….wait for it….A POLITICIAN!!!

Shocking huh? Now please, read further and I will give you a quick history on the origins of Earth Day, and some of the things that scientists and other so called experts claimed with near certainty were going to happen but never did.

It all started with a Gaylord from Wisconsin. No, I am not trying to make fun of any sexual preference he might have had, that was his name. Gaylord Nelson was a Senator from the great state of Wisconsin. Mr. Nelson loved the earth (I don’t know if he still is kicking or not, and if he is, I bet he still loves the earth just as much now as he did then.) and wanted to find a way to get others to feel the same way. The Senator got the idea for Earth Day when he visited an oil spill off the coast of Santa Barbara, Ca. (Side note: While I do agree that oil spills are bad, what is a Senator from Wisconsin doing over in California? Shouldn’t he be taking care of business in his own state?)

Senator Nelson, after many sleepless nights trying to decide what to call this special day for mother Earth, finally decided on the very original “Earth Day.” With a name in place for his special day, he only had one problem: getting people to pay attention to what he had to say. It was then that he came up with a revolutionary (I don’t know if it was revolutionary or not, but it makes for good reading.) idea: a massive nationwide “teach-in.”

The next problem that the Senator ran into was how to get people to attend his teach-in. He needed something that would get people’s attention. Something that would let people know how important this was, and in turn would make them attends this event. A lot of demand was created when an expert from Haaarvard claimed: “Civilization will end within 15 or 30 years unless IMMEDIADTE action is taken against problems facing mankind.” Of course that statement was made about 39 years ago and here we are, still kickin’ it. That is what I call a first class fail.

The statement that Mr. Harvard makes is just the kind of thing the Senator needed to get the ball rolling. After all, the best way to publicize a teach-in is to use the time honored tradition of scare tactics! Back in the late 60’s and early 70’s the scientific community was trying to convince people of the impending doom that was global cooling. Scientists and other experts were certain that very soon the next ice age were going to commence, and if we did not act right now we would be buried up to our necks in frozen water. (Hmm….does this sound familiar to anyone? Me thinks that argument is still being peddled today, but with global warming.) In fact, some scientists claimed the only way to save us from impending doom was to melt the arctic ice cap on purpose. If that isn’t a great scare tactic, then I don’t know what is.

Another major issue back in the day that frightened people into attending the 1^st Earth Day was the “Population Bomb” theory. All the experts came to a “consensus” that the Earth was way too overcrowded and there was no way that we could ever possibly feed every hungry mouth. To go along with this scare tactic, one expert from Stanford even told people that food shortages would cause a “Great Die-off” of about 4 BILLION people within the next ten years.

All of this ado brings us to the first Earth Day celebration on April 22, 1970. Millions of people scared out of their minds by the dire predictions made by these so called “experts” took part. Schools and universities around the country organized special events in which to brain wash….ERRR… educate people about the environment. A few students at one school staged a mock trial accusing Chevrolet of destroying the earth, with Chevy being found guilty of all charges. Another group of people went around handing out tea and rice, which they claimed would be the only food that would be available during the famine years we were facing. Yet another group of people held a ceremony to award the Atomic Energy Commission with the “Environmental Rapist of the Year” award. (No doubt some of the same people who were crying over trees in this classic video took part in the first Earth Day.)

So here we are, almost 40 years later and people still celebrate Earth Day. It has spread from the U.S. to many different countries around the globe. Interestingly enough the scariest environmental catastrophes promised on the first Earth Day either never happened or have been completely discredited. My only hope is that some day in the near future the current hysteria over global warming will meet the same fate.

There you have it. You know now how the first Earth Day came about. And whatever became of Gaylord Nelson you may ask? He was voted out of office in 1980 and wasn’t heard from again. I guess he should have moved to Santa Barbara and tried to run for office there.

So go out and celebrate Earth Day by using all the energy you can. Throw away plastic bottles in the real trash; ask for paper and plastic when you buy groceries. And when one of your friends accuses you of being brain dead and not caring, just smile and enjoy the knowledge that there is a good chance they wouldn’t get the joke even if you tried to explain it to them.

A great day to be an American

April 15th, the day millions of Americans dread, is here. But this year wasn't like other years when we refill the government coffers. This is the year where hundreds of thousands of Americans, many who are sick and tired of seeing their taxes go up, and many others who are sickened by the amount of spending that not only President Obama is endorsing, but what George Bush endorsed when he was President stood up and said enough is enough.

And while the idea for T.E.A.(Taxed Enough Already) Parties are being attributed to "far right wing" extremists, that is not the case. Today I saw people from many walks of life, and while there were some, well, lets just say "interesting" people, most were there to show their disgust with the bureaucrats in Washington D.C. I saw people who had shirts proclaiming themselves "Fiscally responsible Democrats." I saw people who are sick and tired of having their hard earned money being wasted. I talked to people who claimed that they never had thought about coming to a rally, but felt they had to do something to feel like they are being heard.

All in all, it was a positive experience. I am glad that I went down and participated. I am one of those who never pictured myself attending something like this, but after the last 3 years of ridiculous amounts of money being flushed down the toilet (Even worse, the amount since September is enough to make you throw up in your mouth.) something had to be done to show my disgust. There were estimates of between 600-700 people in attendance, and I had the privilege of meeting a few of them. Here are some pics from this afternoon:

My friend from church, Cara Linde, with the killer sign she made for the occasion. You will notice this sign somewhere else further down in the pics. She called about 30 minutes before the rally and was thinking of not going. When I told her it was her patriotic duty, she changed her mind.

This is towards the beginning of the rally. Cars were honking in support. Of course there were also naysayers who drove by who like it when the government wastes their money, but I didn't get any pic of them.

When I saw this couple with their kids here, it made me wish I would have brought Alexandra and Lorelai with me so they could see what we have the right to do in this great country of ours. That, and I love this dude's sign.

Another pic towards the beginning. An hour later there was standing room only this close.

More people lining the street to wave at passing cars.


This is just one side of the crowd that showed up.

I saw these guys and loved all three signs. The middle one hits the nail on the head. This is not just a Republican or Democrat problem. Both parties are guilty of spending money that we don't have.

I saw this guy walk all over the place with that flag. He could have been off doing something else with his afternoon, but decided to spend his time in the park. I am glad he was there and let me take his photo.

This sign needs no explanation.

I told you Cara's sign would make another appearance. When she had to leave she asked the man in charge if he would like to use her sign in front of the speaker's table, and he gladly obliged.

The three stooges. Sad but 100 percent true.

Nice simple sign that pretty much spells it out for you. The first picture I took of he she wasn't looking. This one she smiled for me, but alas, the sign covered up her mug.

More young adults out letting their voices be heard. I only hope that my girls would have the courage to do this at that age. I think they will.

Talk about a family affair! I spoke with this lovely lady for a few minutes about how we both felt we had to do something. She told me that it was a good experience for her kids to be at the rally. Even though her children saw some of the negativity that certain motorists driving past exhibited, it was still worth it.

This lady looked very happy to me to be there.

Yet another nice young family I encountered today. I loved their kids shirts. They read, "I'm 3 years old and already owe 33,000!"

Another creative sign. I love the addition of the floaty!

Another good sign.

It was nice to see so many people who wanted to be there this afternoon.

This girl and her friend both had these shirts.

Another view from the speaking area.

My second favorite sign of the day! Thank you President Obama!

When I asked these lovely ladies if I could use their picture for El Donaldo Blogo, they wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to be negative towards them. When I explained I was 100 percent on their side, they were more than happy to oblige.

For those of you who haven't seen the Youtube video of Daniel Hannan, Conservative MEP for the South East of England, he sums this sentiment up perfectly.

This doesn't have to do with the rally. I just like the dog.

And last but not least, my favorite sign of the night. Yes I did give Obama props for giving the order to take out those dirt bag pirates, but I still loved this sign.

Hopefully some of you were able to make it to Tea Parties in your towns, and were able to have your voice heard. If not, I have a strong feeling that these will not be the last tea parties. Like I heard someone say earlier today, something is brewing in this country, whether people like it or not.