Makin' Momma Proud

In my 32 years on God's green earth, I have learned how to do 1000's of things. Walking, talking, math, basketball, winning at Hanford Uno, perfecting the art of changing a poopy diaper, forging notes from my parents, and the skill of sarcasm are just a few things that make up the list. But there is one thing I had never done in my life until now. On Saturday, I sewed a button onto a pair of my khaki cargo shorts. Yes, you read that right. El Donaldo has gone domestic.

Now I know that to many of you, sewing a button onto something shouldn't be that big of a deal, especially when you have a Mother like mine who has been sewing for the last 35-40 years. But it is a big deal. The whole sewing thing has never been...well...my thing. If I needed something sewn on I would take it to my mom and have her do it. Sure it might take her 6 weeks to get the button back on the shorts, but I wasn't going to attempt something of that magnitude on my own.

Well this weekend I decided to bite the bullet. For those of you who know me, you know that there is no weather too cold for me to wear shorts. In fact, I actually hate to wear pants. They are uncomfortable. I hate it when they bunch up around my shoes and people mistake me for an over aged skate board punk. It can be 23 degrees outside and snowing, but I will still be sporting my shorts.

The problem I am running into is that several pairs of my shorts are starting to wear out. In the last 2 months I have had to throw away 3 pairs due to the crotch or the sides of the pockets tearing out of them. For a lover of shorts, it is a sad day when a pair you have grown to love has become so ratty that I run the risk of being arrested for indecent exposer. It only leaves me with 1-2 pairs of proper winter shorts in my wardrobe. And one of those pairs lost the button last week.

At first I did what I always do; I placed the button on top of the dresser, and use it as a reminder I have to take the shorts to my parents house so Mommy dearest can sew it on. But since I am down to such a small number or shorts, I couldn't afford to wait the mandatory 2 1/2 months for her to take 5 measly minutes and sew it back on. I was desperate. Without this button, I would have to ::gasp:: wear a pair of jeans to work. This was not an acceptable solution.

You know how there are defining moments in your life where you remember exactly what was going on when the moments happens? My first moment is when Kurt Cobain died. My second was when Hostess stopped making Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pudding pies with the green pudding. And the third was this Saturday when I embarked on sewing my first button.

First I headed to the laundry room where Lisa keeps a mini sewing kit. I sat down at the kitchen table with the shorts, the button, and the needle and thread that my two hands were soon going to reattach the button with. After spending the first 5 minutes trying to figure out how to thread the needle I was ready to go. I went in one way. I then went in the other way. Before I knew it, I had enough thread in that button that not even my fat gut was going to be popping it off again. I felt like Tom Hanks in that movie Castaway when he made a fire. I had done it!

Only one little problem. I sewed the button on a little too high and to the right. While this doesn't look very ascetically pleasing, it does the job of holding my shorts up. It isn't pretty, but it is sewn back on. And I did it all on my own. I hope Mommy dearest is proud of her oldest son. It only took him 32 years to learn how to sew on a button.

Not very pretty, but it will get the job done!