Monday, January 11, 2010

8 things that I know to be true, and wish everyone else did also

Over the 32 years I have been on this earth, there have been many things that I have formed opinions on. And of course some of these things I don't just consider my opinion, but as fact. And since I am hard up for blog material, I decided that I would do all of you a favor and shed some light on things that every person should know. Here goes...


#1 JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FANCY CAMERA DOESN'T MEAN YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER.

This is a fact that I have discovered to be true in the past year or so. I think it was when I tired of using MySpace and decided to try out Facebook instead. The more friends I joined up with on FB, the more requests I received for my to become a "fan" of their photography. No matter how many times I would click on the "ignore" button, they would still try to get me to say I like their photography.

You may want to know how I can tell the difference between people who play photographer and are actually photographers. It is really quite easy. First off, a hack photographer always takes their pictures in the same location. At the same time of day. And...use the same poses for EVERYONE they photograph. They may even have a special camera lens that adds sun spots to the picture. Chances are they also just went out and bought a 900 dollar camera, and are looking for a way to recoup their money. I am not going to out any of you who fall into this category, but you know who you are. That is good enough for me.

Oh, and if you want to check out some GOOD photography, check out two of my friends here and here. Oh, and check out her too.

#2 NO ONE GOES TO A SPORTING EVENT TO WATCH A REFEREE OR UMPIRE DO THEIR JOB

Here is a sentence you will never hear at a major sporting event: "Hey Dad, look at that umpire!! Isn't he great?? Look at how many times he waved his hand in the air when he called that pitch a strike!" Or this one: "Did you guys see how awesome that ref called a late technical foul on the away team, and made the home team win? I want to grow up and be a referee!" You see, you won't ever hear them, because nobody cares about the refs. Unless they mess up. Then you chase them out of the stadium.

#3 OLIVES, AVOCADOS, EGG SALAD SANDWICHES, CHOCOLATE MOUSSE, CIGARETTES, AND PEOPLE WHO FART IN ELEVATORS CAUSE CANCER.

Say what you will, but you would be wrong. Each of these things cause cancer. Can I prove it? Probably not. But you just wait and see...one of these days I will be vindicated.

#4 IF THERE IS A WAY TO ABUSE THE WELFARE SYSTEM, SOME DIRT BAG WILL FIGURE IT OUT.

Heck, sometimes they don't even need to figure it out...the state will do it for them. Case in point: The other day I was at the grocery store. There was this little Hispanic lady ahead of me in the register line. While the cashier was scanning her items, I saw her take a can of pineapple off the conveyor belt and hand it to the cashier.

Right after I saw this, I realized that I had forgotten to grab a bag of ice. I ran back to get the ice, and while doing so I had decided I would give the lady a dollar so she could also buy the can of pineapple. When I returned with my ice the lady had finished with her purchase. I was just about to pull a buck out of my wallet to give to her when she grabbed the can and handed it to the cashier, and explained to the cashier she wanted to buy the can separately so she could withdrawal another 40 dollars CASH FROM HER FOOD STAMP DEBIT CARD!

WHAT??

Yes, you read that right. She was using her food card, the card that our tax dollars pay for so she can provide FOOD for her family while times are tough and she was getting CASH BACK with it! I was floored. But not as floored as I was 10 seconds later when the cashier informed this bottom feeder that, "You don't have to only get 40 dollars cash each time. You can take that card to customer service and cash the whole thing out for a small fee." At this point I threw up in my mouth. Gross, but not as gross as the scene I just witnessed.

So if you are following along, the state of Washington allows people who use the food stamp program to treat it as their own personal ATM. Was this lady going to go out and buy drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes with her newly found wealth? Probably not, but what was going to stop her? Obviously the state of Washington wasn't going to stop her. I don't mean to sound heartless (After all, I was going to BUY the stinkin' pineapple for her wasn't I???) but this is one of the reasons why our welfare system doesn't work. One of my favorite quotes come from Benjamin Franklin about poverty. It goes like this: "I am for doing good to the poor, but I differ in opinion of the means. I think the best way of doing good to the poor, is not making them easy in poverty, but leading or driving them out of it." Well said Ben. Well said indeed.

#5 NEVER BUY A CAR MADE BY DAEWOO. OR A PONTIAC AZTEC FOR THAT MATTER.

Daewoo may mean "Great Universe" in Korean, but the only thing great about driving one of these autos is the amount of hospital bills you are going to have to pay when you get in a wreck with one of these things. They make that 1990 Hyundai Excel that your neighbor's teenager drives look like a Rolls Royce. I have seen cardboard boats that will stand up better than a Daewoo would. And if you happen to own a Daewoo? I suggest driving it off a cliff, claiming it was stolen, and get your 250 dollar check from insurance.

And then we have the Pontiac Aztec. Talk about an ugly car. I have seen steaming piles of dog poop that are better looking than one of those bad boys. And then CBS gave one to Richard Hatch when he won the first survivor. I am 100 percent convinced that Richard Hatch forgot to pay his taxes on that cool million he won because he was too busy trying to get that poor excuse of a car out of his driveway and into someone else's. Word on the street is the only deal on the table for it was a straight across trade for a 1996 Daewoo Espero.

Oh by the way...does anyone have an idea who owns Daewoo? I do! None other than GM, the same company that owned Pontiac.

#6 KENNEWICK IS FAR SUPERIOR TO RICHLAND (AND PASCO) IN EVERY WAY.

Seeing as how this is a local fact, you who live outside of the Tri-Cities won't know what I am talking about. But that is OK, because if you ever choose to visit, you will know where to stay when you come.

Seeing as how I have lived in multiple places in both cities, I think I am pretty knowledgeable on why Richland sucks and Kennewick rules. Just to list a few:

  • Everything in Richland is closed by 8 p.m.
  • If you are caught in Richland by the cops after 8 p.m., they will pull you over and want to know "what you are doing out of the house so late." They will then proceed to tell you that if anything happens in "their" city that night you will be directly responsible.
  • There is nowhere good to go out to dinner. Sure, there are places to eat, but since they are closed by 8 it rules dinner out.
  • The water in Richland tastes horrible. It reminds me of when Marty asks his great great great Grandfather for a glass of water in Back to the Future Part 3, and he gets a cup of brown water. (Oops, I forgot to add it to my list of things that cause cancer.)
  • All the streets have names, and there are no directions (N, S, E, W) on the street signs. Say what you will about Kennewick and how their streets keep the same name even when they are cut off by another street, but trying to find something in Richland is near impossible if you are new to the area. Take Cottonwood Drive. That road goes in a figure 8, then loops over the top of two other roads, then looks like it has turned into another road due to the fact there are no Cottonwood signs to be seen for about 5 blocks. Don't believe me? Go take a drive on it and see for yourself. And if you ever make it back home, shoot me off a comment and let me know what you think.
  • Everyone in Richland think they live in a great city, and have no idea that it sucks. (Sounds kind of like Texas doesn't it?)
#7 NO MATTER HOW YOU TRY TO SPIN IT, NASCAR IS BORING TO WATCH. SO IS
BOWLING. AND NO, THEY ARE NOT ATHLETES. OH YEAH, THEY AREN'T SPORTS EITHER.

I have heard it all before. I have people tell me that I just have to go to a NASCAR event in person and I will change my mind. I have heard that the drivers are athletes because it take endurance to sit in a car that long and do what they do. Sorry folks, but the answer to both of those are "no" and "no." Saying that race car drivers are athletes is like saying that bowlers are athletes. I will admit that bowling and driving takes skill, but just because something takes skill doesn't make it a sport. Just because bowlers and NASCAR drivers wear uniforms doesn't mean they are athletes. I believe that Jim Rome put it best when he said that making 500 left turns does not qualify you as an athlete. And just because bowlers wear those fancy wrist things, it does not make it a sport. It is a skill.

#8 RED VINES ARE NOT LICORICE! LICORICE IS A FLAVOR, NOT A COLOR!

Aw forget it...I don't feel like rehashing one of my biggest pet peeves again. Instead please go back and read this post...it will explain everything.

Well, there you have it. I have many more facts such as these, but seeing as how I really want to get a post in, I am going to end the list here. Now that you have the facts, go forth out into the world and educate the ignorant. Good luck. You are going to need it.

19 comments:

David said...

1st!!

K said...

Kennewick is totally better than the other two :)

NaDell said...

I will agree with everything except the Richland part. We love it here and there's WAY less crime and less sex offenders. My brother in law is a police officer here now after being in Kennewick for five years and likes it much more here.
So, I guess if you like that insecure feeling, go for Kennewick. (I DO know there are parts of any city that are lousy...)

Mike Brinkerhoff said...

Man.. the first time I saw an Aztek, I just about drove off the road. It was baffling to me that something so ugly made it to concept, let alone production!

I had a Daewoo Lanos as an insurance loaner once. I laughed out loud when the XXL, Bald, black dude drove it up to the front and got out. It was quite a sight. I quit laughing when I got in.

Lisa said...

Oh no....I am going to have olive cancer. Bummer

By the way, how did you not think this post was funny?

Hilarious.

Except the part about the bottom feeder. That is just disturbing.

Anonymous said...

Don, something you forgot about Richland. Either the water is plumbed directly from the cooling pools at Hanford or the people who live here really are retarded. I know, I purchased a home here and know that I will be shackled with this wonderful pile of sticks and foundation for the rest of my life. I will ultimately have to rent it out because nobody in their right mind would buy a home in this hole of a town. (I would love to say I was drinking heavily when I purchased it but alas, I cannot)It will be a virtual revolving door for section 8 housing or they will put another sex offender in it because Richland is full of them. I give you an Amen Brother!

Jared said...

In highschool, we (Richland LDS) used to hang out with the Pasco kids but never with the those of you from Kennewick. The reason for this was because (in my best high school reasoning) that Kennewick LDS youth seemed stuck up/stand offish. Glad to see my youthful prejudices substantiated!
Richland and Pasco have two 7-11's compared to Kennewick's one. Stating there's nowhere good to go out is just ignorance. Chapala express is the best Mexican restaurant in the Tri-Cities. The Richland Zip's (has better fries) is the best hamburger joint and the Casa Mia's (the best italian) cancel each other out.

nancy said...

Jeff owned a Daewoo Leganza for 7 yrs. I told him not 2 buy it. That car was a piece of ....The poor sap who buys it next...heaven help him (Jeff traded it in for a Chevy Silverado)

The Donald said...

Jared, you are right... There are places to eat in Richland. But since the town shuts down after 8 (9 at the latest) a proper dinner meal can't be had.

Richland LDS hung out with Pasco too? So did I. We were always of the opinion that the Richland kids were as stuck up as Kamiakin kids were. I guess the Kennewick/Richland riff runs strong on both sides!

Jared said...

Too funny Don! Different side of the river I guess. I actually like Kennewick,but Richland has it's charms.

I have a 2 year old, any kind of proper meal happens well before 8. Jackson's isn't bad for nightlife, the deck is nice during the warm months. I'm a little surprised you didn't mention the blinking yellows (I don't even know if they are still there!).

Leslie Grove > Columbia Park. Howard Amon > Columbia Park.
LG & HA >>>> Columbia Park.
Spudnut Shop! nuff said.
Jamie and I have had this conversation before, it was one of those differences we had to resolve before getting married.

Charlene said...

Thanks Don for pulling me out of the stereotype of expensive camera=professional, (I don't have an expensive camera just an expensive degree I am still paying off). Yesterday I had people actually visit my lonely blog and leave comments. I may not abandon it yet!

Funny post, I have to agree with you on living in Kennewick. We may not have two 7-11's but the Kennewick has some banner about selling the most slurpees or being the stickiest. I can't really remember now.

SuzanSayz said...

I get such a kick when people claim that Richland has a lower crime rate. That is pure BS. Richland creates their illusion of a low crime rate by pretending it isn't there. They have absolutely NO problems at any of their public schools because of their ZERO tolerance policy. In other words their zero tolerance means that any problems that arise are not not-tolerated they are simply not talked about, and, if dealt with, it is done behind closed doors in a private, secret, don't let the press find out about any of this manner. So their Zero tolerance is really Zero tolerance for admitting to problems. I agree that they do seem to have fewer of those pesky, trouble making, minorities. Because of stupid taxes that in all of the Tri-Cities you will only find in Richland, most low income people can't afford to live there. Kennewick, being much larger, and while having MANY nice safe well off neighborhoods, has quite a few low income neighborhoods as well. Does this make Kennewick inferior? Of course not. It just makes Kennewick a REAL city. Not the leftover of Government hand-outs and protection that Richland enjoyed for so many years. Of course it must be mentioned that there is one very bright spot concerning Richland.
The fact that Richland is where grandma and grandpa Brinkerhoff lived. And for me the place where I have so MANY wonderful childhood memories. I knew nothing about Kennewick back then because grandma Mathews lived in Pasco. I do remember though that in all my time spent in Richland, even living there for a while in 8th grade, I was well aware of the fact that Kennewick was consider a low place. I never even breached it's borders until I was 18 and living in Pasco and then Richland after I graduated. After Young Adults (held in Pasco)we would pile in people's cars and go to Kennewick for pizza. There were a few places there we would go to. My first exposure to the big K was very favorable. I loved it from the first. The only problem I had was trying to figure out what was wrong with it. I mean I had heard so many negatives about it during my childhood and teenage years that to finally see it and experience it I just kept expecting to find some dark, hidden, steamy underbelly, secret to explain the contempt I had grown up hearing about.
PROOF that Richland thinks they are better.

Josephine said...

There was a man I detested who, during one season of my daughter's hippotherapy, always sat next to me and talked AT me about how he got medicaid to pay for the pool in his backyard, and how if you find the right doctor you can get them to write a prescription for ANYTHING you want and medicaid will pay for it. I abhorred him in a non-Christian sort of way. I hope that won't be my ticket to hell.

Heidi D said...

#1 I completely agree and I actually have this conversation with people a bit. The other important thing your missing though, photoshop. They learn how to manipulate their photos to look more professional. They also scan for other real artists and rip off their poses and ideas. It does spark the debate however, where does the poser end and the professional start? Food for thought.

#2 I thought this was obvious and I don't know why you put it down. Is it for the possible inflated ego of the referee? Just guessing.

#3 Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. Yes. But you left off The Carpenters.

#4 I didn't even know you could do that. When I use my card they always ask me cash or food. I'm like, don't you see all of this food that I'm buying...dummy. I guess in the Welfare fraud world, I'm the dummy. I like to scan the ads and ad-match at Walmart. That's how I get the very most of what I get from the government. I usually buy my meat, fresh fruit, and vegetables with my card because they can be the most expensive. I thought because I could make it stretch really far that I was a Welfare genius.

#5 I'm not really a car person, but I think the Aztec and the PT Cruiser look like clown cars. A circus theme will start running through my head when I see one.

#6 DUH.

#6B I will say however, Richland had some pretty good looking boys. Pasco did too, but I was related to the best looking ones, so no go...we don't live in Bammy.

#7 Both of these sports require beer to watch. Since we don't drink, we just don't get it. I do think NASCAR takes endurance and skill...still boring though. I do love the movie Talladega Nights however.

#8 Although you are scientifically right, you are wrong in one aspect. Anthropologically speaking, the culture and people will dictate what something is to be called. Red vines is a brand which is the same shape and similar texture of licorice. Red Vines even make s "black" licorice. the term red licorice comes about from finding similarities in the two and people accepting the new name. The new name then becomes the real name and the origins are therefor lost. Kind of how there are all sorts of names for Soda. Soda, soda pop, soft drink, pop. Parts of the south refer to all soda as Coke, no matter the flavor. There is probably someone out there blogging how Coke is a flavor and not a category of drinks. So, blame evolution of society man. This of course is only my hypothesis for the issue you brought up. For your sake, and Brother Rose, I will call them red vines. I have heard your children say red licorice though, you might want to get on that. :)

libbie said...

of course my favorite is number 1. oh, the laughs we have had about this one!
HOWEVER . . . . avocados just happen to be the best little nuggets of green to ever be grown on the face of this earth, and if they cause cancer, then you might as well kill me now, because I CANNOT and WILL NOT live without them.

Lee said...

Love this. Love it a lot. Kennewick is totally the best! And I so agree on #1. But people who think they are great that aren't don't listen. :) And This is hilarious. I really should read your blog more often.

Mom2mykids said...

Hey, no dissing Richland! Bombers RULE!! As a born-and-raised Richlander, moving to Kennewick was a mindbending experience. I was used to streets that started and ended, but didn't take up again 2 miles from the previous endpoint. Why do that? You only understand it if you can look at an overhead map or something. Puh-leeze. And the Richland names? Named after Manhattan Project engineers, thanks very much. Something I'm personally very proud of, since my dad came here in 1942 and worked at the site for decades. I worked there for nearly 20 years myself and am very happy to have done so. Plus, the Spudnut Shop. Atomic Lanes. 'Nuff said.

Lee said...

K Don, I am totally coming back and posting on this again because of the Richland thing. Oh.My.Goodness so true. People think Richland is the best place ever and people who live in Kennewick aren't nearly as worthy. Had to come back and tell you I so agree.

Angel Nava said...

Love the blog, very interesting!