Wal-Mart at 10:20 on a Saturday Night

I don’t know what it is, but with the nicer weather outside, I just haven’t been too jazzed to write a new blog. I mean, why be sitting in front of a computer screen when you could be outside enjoying the great Tri-City weather that we have each and every summer? So I did what any red blooded American would do. I waited until I was sitting at work to write one.

And what inspiration did I draw from for today’s blog entry? Well, it is the store that everybody (myself included) loves to hate, but will go there anyways because it is so convenient. Can you guess which one I am talking about? Yup, that right, the Wal-Mart.

Now most of you out there know how a typical Wal-Mart shopping experience goes. Jam packed parking lots, incompetent checkers, English not being the dominant language, you know, the usual stuff. I like to go either early in the morning, or late at night, but even then you still see a lot of the same stuff, just on a smaller scale.

So after a very busy Saturday that had me running from one end of town to the other, around 10ish at night we realized that we had never bought any formula for Elisabeth. And since I am the DLNS (Designated Late Night Shopper) of our family, I hopped into my car and headed up the street to you guessed it, Wal-Mart.

To me, it is always an adventure going to WM. And I don’t know why that is, since the same things happen every time I go there. But I will give you a run down anyways of my trip. I park my car and walk in the store. Over to my left are the usual hooligans playing on the mart carts. Of course there parents are no where to be found. Sometimes I wonder if in Spanish Wal-Mart translates into the words “baby sitter”. Heck, even destitute English speaking people think that it translates out that way too.

After making my way past America’s future prison inmates, I get myself a cart. Even though the Kennewick WM has recently remodeled everything, and bought new shopping cars, I still have the hardest time finding a good cart. Of course it doesn’t help that I am one of the pickiest shopping cart users in the Tri-City area. (Thanks for that trait mom; it is both a blessing and a curse.) When I grab a shopping cart, I have to give it a push to make sure the alignment of the cart is satisfactory to my liking. If it is wobbly or drives crooked, it goes back with the other carts. Sometimes I will go through 5 or 6 carts until I find one suitable to my shopping trip. The problem I run into at WM is that they have bumpy tile in there shopping cart area. So I can do my usual testing, find one that I think will be a good match, and once I get to the smooth tile surfaces in the store, I realize that the wheel has a dent in it and makes a hopping noise. So it’s back to the shopping cart proving grounds to find another one.

After 5 minutes of test driving, I have my cart and am ready to get my shop on. This part of the trip goes without any hiccups, and is done with fairly fast. I pick up my thing of lemon juice that I need for the roast I made for Sunday dinner, and head to the back of the store for the baby formula. Of course on the way I pass a group of teenagers who in their minds are grown up, but they are acting like morons.

OK, this is totally off the subject, but when it comes to the teen crowd, my favorite times of the year are Homecoming and Prom. They get all gussied up, and head out to dinner, where they feel so grown up and responsible. And then they end up at the mall, or at Wal-Mart. I always find it so funny, because they have no clue how silly they look in their fancy duds hanging out in front of Orange Julius. Lisa and I get a great chuckle out of this. I think I am going to start banging it into my girl’s heads that going to the mall in your prom dress is retarded. I don’t think they will listen, but if I start pounding away now, I might have a good shot.

OK, back to Wal-Mart. I have the items that I came for, and I start to head back to the front of the store. On the way I pass middle aged dirty shirt guy buying his nightly case of beer, and a mother with her 3 kids that should have been in bed 2 hours before. Oh yeah, and the baby who only has a diaper on, I forgot about him.

Now I am to the register. And as usual, the do it yourself lines are all filled up. So I have no choice but to go to one of the blazing fast cashiers that WM employs. Sometimes I picture how the job interview for a Wal-Mart checker goes. It has to be something like this:

Manager: “So, you want to be a cashier huh?”

Future Cashier: “Uh…Um. I guess so.”

M: “Have you ever worked a register before?”

FC: “A What?”

M: “A cash register. The thing you put the money in.”

FC: “Oh, I like money. Will I get some if I am a cashier?”

M: “Well, you won’t get the money out of the register, but you will be getting a paycheck.”

FC: “Oh I see. I get the checks out of the register.”

M: “Well, not quite. Let’s just move onto the next question. Do you think it is better to go as slow as humanly possible, and never make a mistake, or go faster and make a mistake every once in awhile?”

FC: “Uh, that is a tough one. I like to take it slow. If I work slower, I make more money!”

M: “Well, not exactly, but I like that you want to be slow. If you were interested in being a fast checker, I would have to turn you away.”

M: “Next question. If there was a price discrepancy…”

FC: “A what pancy?”

M: “A price discrepen….uh…a mess up on the price of something, would you call someone to look it up for you, or would you leave your station and walk over to where the mismarked item is and grab another one?”

FC: “Well, if I walked over there myself, I could be sure what the real price is. And it would make the line go that much slower. So I say go there myself.”

M: “Well answered! I don’t see any reason to keep the interview going. You are HIRED!”

FC: “GREAT! When do I get a break?”

And it is all downhill from there. The new checker gets placed in a checkout line all alone, and is ready to help serve the public by helping everyone slow down their busy lives. And who should walk into their line to checkout? None other than yours truly!

I don’t know why, but I always end up in the line of the slow and clueless cashier. After taking several minutes ringing up my 5 items, I am finally able to head out to my car. The hooligans are still being babysat by the mart cart when I walk by, and when I look down I see that they have all been spitting on the same spot. Yes, it sounds gross, but you only have to read about it. I had to see it.

Now that I am safely out of Wal-Mart, I am free to head back home. Well, not before a car full of Oregonians almost run into me. It might have been the same Oregonians that had everything ringed up BEFORE they told the hapless cashier they were from Umatilla, but I couldn’t tell for sure.

It is amazing the things that I and other people will put up with to get a good deal. And like I said at the beginning of this post, you may all bitch and complain about Wal-Mart, but I can guarantee you will be back there the next day when you need light bulbs, a can of paint, and some Jujyfriuts. Which by the way, can be bought for dirt cheap at the Wal-Mart.